Revision 2 - 11/8/10

The Craft

Our spoken rhythms form the template phase
which poets redefine in measured time
to mimic conversation's turns of phrase
yet meet the strict conditions made by rhyme.
Once metre has been mastered language calls,
seducing us with sound-born melody;
repeated vowels brick the aural walls,
while consonance cements the prosody.
Apprentice years will teach the bard his art,
set exercises hone the poet’s pen;
improvements, made and measured from the start,
lead learners up to craftsmanship and then,
to challenge preconception’s barren wastes,
push poetry beyond established tastes.

line 4 amended 12/8/10.

Revision 1 - 29/7/10[/u]

The Craft

Our spoken rhythms form the template phase
which poets redefine in measured time
to mimic conversation's turns of phrase
yet meet the strict requirements of rhyme.
Once metre has been mastered, language calls
and bids us mark her sounds as melody;
repeated vowels brick the aural walls,
strung consonants cement the prosody.
Apprentice years will teach the bard his art,
set exercises hone the poet’s pen;
improvements, made and measured from the start,
lead learners up to craftsmanship and then,
to challenge preconception’s barren wastes,
push poetry beyond established tastes.


The Craft- Original

Our spoken rhythms form the template’s base
that poets rearrange in measured lines
to make a match with normal turns of phrase
yet meet the strict requirements of rhyme.
Once metre has been mastered, language calls
and bids us set her sounds as melody;
repeated vowels harmonise the whole
while staggered consonants add symmetry.
Apprentice years will teach the bard his art,
set exercises hone the poet’s pen;
improvements, made and measured from the start,
lead learners up to craftsmanship and then,
to challenge preconception’s barren wastes,
push poetry beyond established tastes.

Dear Jim,

This is (not yet) a crit, but a Q :

your 1- 3 and 2 - 4 rhymes are shall we say quite unusual, I'd call them slant. What i want to know is, within the craft that I know you are very good at, if someone ELSE had used those, would they have flagged up at you ?

I ask cuz otherwise this is very good !

Love
Alan

Hi Jim,

I wanted to stop in to say that how wonderful you message is. I really enjoyed reading this poem. I have to get ready for work now, but will be back to give this one a closer look.

my best,

Michelle

Hi Jim,
Very nicely done. I esp like the wrap-up in the couplet. I usually have no problem with slant rhymes and am fine with "lines/rhyme" but the 'base/phrase" pair is a little awkward esp since it appears so early in an otherwise tight scheme.
I wonder about something like:
"our spoken rhythms form a template phase
as poets rearrange each measured line."

enjoyed,
Sue

Hi, Alan,

in all conscience, yes they would flag up. Normally, I wouldn't mind because slant rhyme is a very under-used tool imo, especially in forms like the sonnet which are so prescriptive. I felt that the shared assonance of the 'a' and 'i' of lines 1/3; 2/4 and the close consonnance of s/z;n/m were sufficient to allow their use here. Additionally, I was trying to use the development from near to full rhyme as a metaphor of the poet's progress over time - I've tried to use the form as a metaphor before, unsuccessfully, and thought that this piece offered a better opportunity. However, given l.4's 'strict requirements' this was probably not the best idea I ever had. I have re-written to remove the off-rhyme,
Jim

Hi, Michelle,

thanks for stopping by, you have a nice day y'hear,
Jim

Hi, Sue,

thank you for those welcome comments. I have explained my reasons for using slant rhyme to Alan but have to hold my hand up and admit it was a wrong choice for this piece. I will accept your 'phase' suggestion gratefully and have substituted 'time' for 'lines' to keep this in full rhyme. Hope you approve,
Jim

Excellent revising, Jim. I had not seen your reply to Alan re: the use of slant rhymes until now... it does seem a reasonable concept, but I do think the perfect rhymes are a better fit for the topic.
I think it's good to go.
Sue

Dear Jim,

Yup, that does it for me too. So still no crit - none needed !

Love
Alan

Hi Jim,

while I still have no exceptions to your poem, I forgot to say how beautiful I think your last two lines are. Those lines are my favorites. I had no problem with the original slant rhyme. Base is more concrete for me than phase. But, if I were in your shoes, I'd change it too.

my best,

Michelle

Hi Jim,

Finally, I'm back in again to offer my feedback for you. I tried to make some notes Friday at work but never got a chance to dive into it then. I get a chuckle when poets write about the art of writing poetry so am happy to have read this sonnet!

As always, take or toss as you wish.

Our spoken rhythms form the template phase
which poets redefine in measured time
to make a match with normal turns of phrase
yet meet the strict requirements of rhyme.
I enjoy this opening Jim. My only nit (and it’s purely just my own) is with your choice of “to make a match”. Is there another way to say that? To bring together/ to compliment/ the normal turns of phrase. A sub for normal to is: common.

Once metre has been mastered, language calls
and bids us set her sounds as melody; stumbling a bit here with ‘bids us set her sounds’. Since you use the word ‘set’ again later, I suggest a re-work of this line IMHO. Would ‘entice’ work in there?
repeated vowels brick the aural walls,
strung consonants cement the prosody.
Definitely admire this change over the original.

Apprentice years will teach the bard his art,
set exercises hone the poet’s pen;
improvements, made and measured from the start,
lead learners up to craftsmanship and then,
to challenge preconception’s barren wastes,
push poetry beyond established tastes.
Love this entire passage and especially the closing couplet.

Enjoyed!
~Cleo

Hi, Cleo,

you've homed in on the line I am least happy with, line 3. While 'normal' and 'common' share the same disadvantage for me - that they encourage 'comparison' between speech and poetry- I did have a little flash of inspiration when seeing them put together like that. Have edited accordingly, interested in your opinion on that line now.


'Set' works so nicely there for alliteration but I take your point on the repetition; perhaps I can use 'mark' to pick up on 'melody' and reference the 'marks' on a piece of sheet music? Though there are a lot of 'm's' in there already - I think it might work though, will edit that too. Thank you for taking the time to stop by; while I can't use your suggestions per se, you have focused my attention on the problem areas and helped me to a solution, I think - isn't critique a wonderful thing?
Jim

Hi Jim,

Had to stop back in and see your comments. Yay! Glad to help!

to mimic conversation's turns of phrase
FABULOUS – much improved!

Once metre has been mastered, language calls
and bids us mark her sounds as melody;
I think I know what was tripping me up with the original 'set' and now 'mark' - for me it's actually the word 'bids'. I would suggest replacing it with offers or something else along those lines when preceding 'us'. Not sure how you feel about it but it just doesn't seem to feel like a grammatically correct line there IMHO. An option to strike your muse:
And offers us her sounds: her melody

As always, T or T.
Cheers,
~Cleo

Hi, Cleo,

have had another look at those lines and the muse suggested a change of mood, revision posted,
Jim

Hi Jim,

Nice change tehre in L6 - but I see you've gone back to the original for L3:
to make a match with normal turns of phrase.

My personal preference on L6: "to mimic conversation's turns of phrase
yet meet the strict requirements of rhyme".

This is lovely!
~Cleo

Hi, Cleo,
that's what happens when you edit online and neglect to change the c'-drive copy. Fixed now,
Jim

Hi Jim,

Very nice sonnet on how one should perfect their poetry writing techniques. Inciteful, an enjoyable read and instructional all at the same time. Loved it. Utilizing the sonnet in this way speaks volumes about how versatile this form can be and brings to mind Wordsworth's "Nuns Fret Not..." when he writes: 'twas pastime to be found within the sonnet's scanty plot of ground

No nits... just a question. I keep reading 4 1/2 feet in L4. Are you perhaps a syl short in L4 or is this another pronunciation difference between British and American speech. The only multisyllabic word in that line being "requirements" contains three syls on this side of the pond. Suggest "prerequisite" as a sub if it is indeed short or you can just add an "a" before rhyme. TOT!



Larry

Hi, Larry,

that line does ask that the reader 'hear' 4 syllables, ie re-qui-yer-ments, which I believe many do anyway and I don't think it's a US/UK variation but much more local dialect dependent - that is, some Brits do and some don't; some Americans do and some don't. That said, it is a distraction that is not necessary and easily avoided, have edited to remove it,
Jim