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heartsong7
Posted on: Sep 18 10, 14:54


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Hi Karen,
It's so good to know when a poem is working. I'm never quite sure after it's all done, how it will be read by others.
re: suffering, yes it's one of those words that can be pronounced with either 2 or 3 syllables and either is correct. I've learned recently, that when reading, we need to let the meter be our guide when a word has optional pronunciations. That's especially helpful when your audience comes from many regions and countries. If I write a poem to accommodate one, it may not the other. If the word appears well into the poem, it should be easy to see which pronunciation the poet intends by hearing the established meter.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read and offer your suggestions. Always helpful.
Sue
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122821 · Replies: 7 · Views: 5,860

heartsong7
Posted on: Sep 18 10, 14:45


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Hi Larry...
I'm glad you feel this works. I see your point re: - "She’s going home, right now tonight"
it is redundant. I will work on that, for sure.
thank you for the lovely review and fine insight.
Sue
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122820 · Replies: 7 · Views: 5,860

heartsong7
Posted on: Sep 18 10, 14:41


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Hi Liz,
It's always such a pleasure to receive one of your thoughtful and thorough reviews.
I'm so glad you feel this works... as I noted before, the form seems to lend itself to strong, almost melodramatic topics, though I have seen some very effective humorous ones.
I like your idea to sub 'slayed' or maybe 'slain' for 'killed'.
Thank you.
Sue
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122819 · Replies: 7 · Views: 5,860

heartsong7
Posted on: Sep 16 10, 14:21


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Set Free

The road is dark; the sky is bleak;
her loved ones slain or gone.
The rebels steal the wealth they seek,
then rape and hurry on.
Now all is lost, she has no will,
though help lies just beyond the hill.
Now all is lost,
now all is lost;
her baby boy lies cold and still.

The road is dark; the sky is bleak;
her husband left them all
He ran away, afraid and meek;
she saw him trip and fall.
They took his head and left him there
to rot where not a soul would care.
They took his head,
they took his head;
she saw its empty, icy stare.

The road is dark; the sky is bleak;
her journey’s burden great.
Her arms grow tired; her body weak.
She can no longer wait.
She’s going home at last... tonight
beyond the brilliant pulsing light,
she’s going home.
She’s going home,
the end of suffering's in sight.
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122795 · Replies: 7 · Views: 5,860

heartsong7
Posted on: Sep 15 10, 17:47


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Thank you so much for those lovely comments, Snow.
It's an interesting form. I think you will enjoy trying it out.
enjoy!
Sue
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122793 · Replies: 7 · Views: 5,893

heartsong7
Posted on: Sep 14 10, 15:42


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QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Sep 14 10, 05:20 ) *
Another older Poem for last minute revisions -
you capture the sadness of her lonely life, still hoping till the end for someone to stop and visit. I'm gathering since she's inviting 'all who happen by' that it must be a small inn.
Perhaps it's her way of meeting people? I read once that back when there were few inns for travelers, individual home owners would light a candle in the window so travelers would know they would be welcome to stay.
If that's the intent here, maybe relay that in L2 rather than the generic 'all'


Sojourn--Quatrain Refrain

A candle quivers on the sill,
inviting all who happen by.

Although so many pass at will,... I think 'pass at will' is a bit vague.
the doorknob still has not been tried... here the inner rhyme 'still' is one too many in a short space.
Here's an example of what I'm trying to relay:
"A candle quivers on the sill,
inviting travelers passing by
a welcome refuge from the chill.
no one has stopped or come inside."




At dusk, the hearth is kindled bright, "kindled bright is a bit inverted, doesn't seem a natural way to say there's a fire going. Maybe "the fire burns warm and bright"
a pot of coffee freshly filled,.. this is a bit inverted too. just a small switch to fix. "A coffee pot is freshly filled."


and biscuits baked. Her wick ignites; "biscuits baked is awkward without a verb. "Her wick ignites" I know what you mean, but it sounds like it's she's the wick that ignites. I don't think you even need to mention lighting the candle, when the lit candle appears in the next line.
How about extending the biscuit line: something like, and flaky biscuits baked just right"


a candle quivers on the sill.

She sits and stares, as shadows dance

into the black of midnight sky,.. Unless she's way up some place in the far north, black is not necessary for describing the midnight sky... how about 'starry'?
in hopes her flicker will entrance; this makes it seem as if she is the one flickering. maybe jus 'candle'


inviting all who happen by.

The winter's wind has been no friend ... inner rhyme of wind with friend is too much rhyme. maybe just 'cold'
to Beauty Belle, who's fallen ill.
She waits alone till evening's end,
although so many pass at will.
Now I see I remember why I found these so difficult. There's the 'pass at will' line again and my suggestion from S1 won't fit here unless you juggle friend and end.
Maybe:
It feels like winter never ends
and Beauty Belle has fallen ill,
and yet, she waits to offer friends
a welcome respite from the chill.


Tonight, no dreams of love's embrace,
her breathless body calm; Belle died. you can fix the lack of verb by saying 'body's calm'
No candle burns, no hearth, no grace...
the doorknob still has not been tried.


Sorry, I do seem to have gotten carried away.
As ever, take or toss anything or everything.

  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122786 · Replies: 7 · Views: 6,771

heartsong7
Posted on: Sep 13 10, 07:41


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hi Liz,
yes, the "he" is sleep but I have no problem with other interpretations, in fact, I welcome them with open heart.
I look forward to your Trijan.
happy writing!
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122757 · Replies: 7 · Views: 5,893

heartsong7
Posted on: Sep 12 10, 10:48


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Hey Liz,
Uh oh, looks like my metaphor is a bit too hidden.
There's a clue in the last line as to who 'he' is.

It's wonderful to see you again, and read one of your thoughtful reviews.
Thank you.

the form is new to me too. I've done a couple. I like that it's very versatile and works for light or deep topic... though the repeat lines seem to steer toward melodrama.

here are the params.
Trijan Refrain
Rhyme scheme: a/b/a/b/c/c/d,d refrain of first 4 words of line five /c
Meter: 8/6/8/6/8/8/4,4 refrain/8"
the first line of stanza one is usually repeated but does not have to be exact in the 2 following stanzas
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122748 · Replies: 7 · Views: 5,893

heartsong7
Posted on: Sep 11 10, 10:22


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I’m missing dreamy gifts you bring
of lovely tranquil views.
Each night you stay, I wake to sing
a happy tune-- no blues.
Don’t leave me now–- when you take flight,
I toss and turn all through the night.
Don’t leave me now,
don’t leave me now;
oh spare me such an awful plight.

While missing dreamy gifts you bring,
I lie here wide awake,
aware of how I rarely sing
and every day I ache.
Return to me your soothing cloak.
I mumble spells I hope provoke:
Return to me,
return to me,
I need you now, you stubborn bloke!

Still missing dreamy gifts you bring,
I want my life restored.
Oh, how I long to wake and sing
the songs I so adored!
I pray and plead but you won’t come,
as here I lie, awake and numb.
I pray and plead,
I pray and plead;
at last, Sweet Sleep, you're here, ho hum
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122735 · Replies: 7 · Views: 5,893

heartsong7
Posted on: Sep 11 10, 10:09


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Even though written as a response poem,this lovely sonnet can easily stand on its own and I see nothing here that I would change.
You are one gifted poet... I hope you know it? magicwink1.png
Sue
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122734 · Replies: 14 · Views: 7,169

heartsong7
Posted on: Sep 11 10, 10:02


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Beautifully stated sentiments without seeming overly sentimental.
Every line is a delight to read and the whole flows flawlessly to my ear.
I didn't get the significance of the title either till I read Alan's explanation.
I was thinking it represented how long you are married.

There are a few meter variations like:
"I’ve never doubted my life’s meaning"
which if it were standing alone one might scan as
I’ve nev er doubt ed my life’s mean ing
but it appears far enough down into the poem to encourage the reader to go with:
I’ve nev er doubt ed my life’s mean ing
wherein that stress falling on 'my' becomes very effective.

lovely poem.
Sue
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122733 · Replies: 4 · Views: 5,086

heartsong7
Posted on: Sep 11 10, 09:45


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Hi Larry,
I'm coming in late on this and it looks like some excellent critique and your revisions have made a good sonnet even better. I'm confused by revision date. typo?

two teeny things caught my eye that you might consider:
If I'm understanding your intent correctly, I think
to never could have been would benefit with being hyphenated, since you are treating the entire phrase as a particular state.

Also, if the couplet were combined form an octet, it would be more visually appealing.

that life subsides to-never-could-have-been
with careless steps into the wrong unknown.
Regret the brevity in life and love
but live each day until it turns to when.
As soul and heart are laid bare to the bone,
new songs ascend into the light. What of
my legacy in lilting epigram?
I’m touching you with mem’ries. Yes… I am!


a well stated and interesting sonnet.
I enjoyed the premise and the delivery.
Sue
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122732 · Replies: 5 · Views: 5,721

heartsong7
Posted on: Sep 11 10, 09:22


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Hi there, Michelle, Lori, Liz and Snow.
I'm so glad to know you all feel this is working. I had completely forgotten that I had already posted it here, but the fresh look has been helpful.

I like your suggestion for 'will' Liz and will do.
I'm delighted to see you, too. It's been a long time.

Oh yes, Snow,
re:you; I left a man I did n’t know.
that's a headless iamb meant to stress
"you"
There are still 5 stressed syllables in the line, and I'm told that it's an acceptable variation on iambic meter.

Thank you so much, dear ladies. It's nice to be here again.
Sue
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122731 · Replies: 8 · Views: 5,630

heartsong7
Posted on: Sep 11 10, 07:46


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Hi Snow,
This is ingenious. When I saw the bit about flickering tongues inhaling, I was all set to use that as the only nit I could find to pick, when I realized that it's snakes you're talking about.
Love the imagery, the meter and rhymes are flawless to my ear, and again the premise is brilliant.
I say, it's good to go.
Great to read your wonderful work again.
Sue
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122730 · Replies: 14 · Views: 9,089

heartsong7
Posted on: Sep 11 10, 07:33


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I'm sorry to be so long away. Lot's going on this summer, but I'm in a lull now and hope to have more time to read and share.
I'm posting another revision.
Thank you Michelle and Lori for your comments and suggestiions
Sue
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122729 · Replies: 11 · Views: 7,259

heartsong7
Posted on: Aug 5 10, 10:16


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Hi Alan..
A totally relateable topic,
well delivered in a difficult form.
Nice work. enjoyed muchly,
Sue
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122352 · Replies: 8 · Views: 3,444

heartsong7
Posted on: Aug 5 10, 10:13


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Thanks for the revisit and encouraging words, Jim.
I did intend to leave off the last line... partly because I thought it felt a little tacked on for the sake of the form (sonnet) Leaving it off seems to fit the revised (non-sonnet) version.... however, I am still thinking on whether I want to re-include the rain showers.
Sue
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122351 · Replies: 11 · Views: 7,259

heartsong7
Posted on: Aug 5 10, 10:02


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Hi Jim...
a very thought provoking piece.
I see little here that needs attention in my view.
I did have some small quibbles with the following and offer some
suggestions you might consider if you feel they are helpful.

The centres drown: dark pits to pull you down I would spell 'centers' but perhaps 'centres' is regional spelling?)

to Hell’s damnation. Light has lost this fight. The several long I words (light, fight, tonight) in a short span are a little distracting for me. How about something like: "snuffing out the light"

An inner Dark reclaims the victor’s crown
surrendered once but won back here tonight. "won back" seems a tad weak. maybe surrendered once, recaptured here tonight"

Such bloodless battles serve to prove my claim
that Hell and Earth are only one domain. Love the strong couplet!

just some thoughts,
Sue
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122350 · Replies: 17 · Views: 8,784

heartsong7
Posted on: Aug 3 10, 19:28


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revision posted. Suggestions most welcome.
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122328 · Replies: 11 · Views: 7,259

heartsong7
Posted on: Aug 3 10, 18:49


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Thanks for some great food for thought Jim.
Lots to think about.
I enjoy the use of blank verse in a sonnet form as a change. The goal is to include internal rhyme and enough enjambment that the lack of end rhymes will not distract. Others that I've read usually end in a rhymed couplet.
Perhaps, if I want to keep this intact, (which I do) I should refrain from tagging it as a sonnet and just call it "metered verse"
I'll be working on smoothing this out.
Sue

Hi Steve,
I sure appreciate that you took the time to read and offer your comments on this.
I hope you are feeling better. Stay cool.
Sue
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122326 · Replies: 11 · Views: 7,259

heartsong7
Posted on: Jul 30 10, 20:20


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thanks for looking in on this, Alan
I guess I haven't made my intent clear. the use of "where" is not meant as a question but a description..
a summer in Cincinnati is where.....and so on.
Maybe I could clarify by making that my title?
Sue
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122305 · Replies: 11 · Views: 7,259

heartsong7
Posted on: Jul 30 10, 13:34


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2nd revision:

The soaring temperatures preceding solstice
evaporated spring again this year,
with heavy handed heat that saps your soul
and leaves it draped across the sweat-soaked sheets.

While thick, dank darkness drains into your dreams,
it stifles all desire and hampers sleep.
When morning finally comes, a languid mist,
negates all hope the spell’s inclined to lift.

When steamy midday shuttles in its sour
white-hazed air, it steals your breath and leaves
you feeling limp and listless. By twilight
you’re longing for a cooling breeze to brush
across your naked body like a leaf.



revision:
Summertime in Cincinnati...

Where temperatures preempt the summer solstice,
evaporating spring again this year,
with heavy handed heat that saps your soul
and leaves it draped across the sweat-soaked sheets.

While thick, dank darkness drains into your dreams,
it stifles all desire and hampers sleep.
Then morning, dripping in a moldy mist,
negates all hope the spell’s inclined to lift.

When steamy midday shuttles in its sour
white-hazed air it steals your breath and leaves
you lazy, limp and listless. By twilight
you’re longing for one brief cool breeze to brush
across your naked body like a leaf.





Original:
A Summer in Cincinnati Is...

Where, earlier than the solstice every year,
the summer is announcing its arrival;

where heavy handed heat will sap your soul
and leave it draped across the sweat-soaked sheets;

where thick, dank darkness drains into your dreams
to stifle all desire and hamper sleep.

where morning, dripping in a moldy mist,
negates all hope the spell’s inclined to lift;

where steamy midday shuttles in its sour
white-hazed air to steal your breath and leave
you lazy, limp and listless. By twilight
you’re longing for one brief cool breeze to brush
across your naked body like a leaf;

where sometimes sudden storms bring sweet relief.
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122302 · Replies: 11 · Views: 7,259

heartsong7
Posted on: Jul 29 10, 12:10


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Michelle...
I think your revised couplet is stronger and that the use of "elude" clarifies the first lines. One small suggestion there:
A rancid undertone pollutes the breeze,
so subtle it eludes our busy noses.

Sue
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122288 · Replies: 10 · Views: 3,862

heartsong7
Posted on: Jul 29 10, 11:55


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Hi Alan and Jim,
Thank you gentlemen, for stopping to read and offer suggestions for this one. Good calls on all counts, I'll take them with much appreciation for your keen observations.
Sue

PS. I had forgotten that I had posted the params for a SS in Karnak. It's been so long. I scrolled down to read the replies and was also reminded that I had posted this particular pair as part of a volley with Merlin. I hope it's ok to have a revisit. I did do further revising thanks to your suggestions.
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122287 · Replies: 8 · Views: 5,630

heartsong7
Posted on: Jul 29 10, 11:51


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Excellent revising, Jim. I had not seen your reply to Alan re: the use of slant rhymes until now... it does seem a reasonable concept, but I do think the perfect rhymes are a better fit for the topic.
I think it's good to go.
Sue
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122286 · Replies: 17 · Views: 4,681

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