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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -> Herme's Homilies _ This Place I Learned to Hide ***
Posted by: JustDaniel Jan 2 16, 08:11
This is a revision of a villanelle I wrote over a decade ago and posted in Karnak in the https://forums.mosaicmusings.net/index.php?showtopic=225&st=0&start=0 thread. I'm not sure that I ever posted it here, but it is an expansion of the original by converting it from iambic tetrameter to iambic pentameter to help clarify my intention in this piece. I'd be open to any suggestions for further revision.
This Place I Learned to Hide
this dread… this puzzling emptiness inside
that makes me often want to run away
somewhere within… this place I learned to hide
forgotten shame? a fear? I can’t decide
Oh, God! this numbing fog seems here to stay…
this dread… this puzzling emptiness inside
no one in whom I freely can confide
who’ll help me look into this murky gray
somewhere within… this place I learned to hide
a glimpse, a curtain sudden pulled aside
a fleeing specter melts. How can I stay
this dread? …this puzzling emptiness inside?
a hundred lonely nights, alone I’ve cried
please show me; somehow put it on display
somewhere within… this place I learned to hide
I know some day You’ll in Your time provide
more Light… somehow You’ll graciously allay
this dread… this puzzling emptiness inside…
somewhere within… this place I learned to hide
© MLee Dickens'son
Posted by: Merlin Jan 2 16, 17:10
Greetings Daniel,
I'm considering posting a follow-up on a summer posting of mine, so here's an obligatory commentary - aren't you lucky?
You've added three stars. I'm good with that, but it's the three dots that overwhelm me. Ellipsis have turned into ellipsisters! If you can see your way around that overabundance, that would improve the look, as I see it.
I would prefer to see better punctuation, unless you wish to present only ? puncs. That's personal as you know. For me, I'd know when you actually stopped, instead of going back to figger your intention.
There's this line >> a curtain sudden pulled aside which really wants to say "suddenly". Consider pulling pulled - the meaning would stay the same and present a different, interesting image.
There tis. Hope it's food for thot.
Merlin
Posted by: Luce Jan 2 16, 21:26
I love villanelles and this one is a beauty. The form lends itself to reflection easily. A few things though that you may want to consider with this one to further enhance the theme:
This Place I Learned to Hide
this dread… this puzzling emptiness inside
that makes me often want to run away
somewhere within… this place I learned to hide
I’m with Merlin on the punctuation. I’d rather see proper punctuation because the lack of it doesn’t do the poem any big favors and may give the pauses the reader may need.
Therefore, the stanza would be….
“This dread. This puzzling emptiness inside
that makes me often want to run away.
Somewhere within this place I learned to hide.
forgotten shame? a fear? I can’t decide
Oh, God! this numbing fog seems here to stay…
this dread… this puzzling emptiness inside
Maybe “choking” fog. I’d make the fog more deadly.
no one in whom I freely can confide
who’ll help me look into this murky gray
somewhere within… this place I learned to hide
Saying “no one in whom I freely can confide” reads rather forced.
Maybe.... “No one is here to rave, confess, confide".
a glimpse, a curtain sudden pulled aside
a fleeing specter melts. How can I stay
this dread? …this puzzling emptiness inside?
Saying “a curtain sudden” sounds rather forced.
Maybe... “a glimpse, a curtain grasped and pulled aside”.
a hundred lonely nights, alone I’ve cried
please show me; somehow put it on display
somewhere within… this place I learned to hide
Maybe another word to describe the night besides lonely since you’re saying you’re alone in the line? Maybe try “empty”. Also, how about "tried" as oppose to "cried". "Tried fits a little better with the next line..."please show me..."
I know some day You’ll in Your time provide
more Light… somehow You’ll graciously allay
this dread… this puzzling emptiness inside…
somewhere within… this place I learned to hide
I don’t know if I like You’ll/Your/Light capitalized or if it needs to be. I’m assuming you’re referring to God but still…
Posted by: Psyche Jan 18 16, 01:37
Just spotted this lovely villanelle. It pulls at the heartstrings. The poet shows fear and hopelessness, also guilt. That's how it comes over my way. A few nits, not many.
This Place I Learned to Hide
this dread… this puzzling emptiness inside
that makes me often want to run away
somewhere within… this place I learned to hide
I don't mind lack of punctuation. It's a style that many fancy. I've done some myself.
One can also apply this to the title, IMO, because in this case L1 is a continuation of the title.
Nonetheless, I find so many ellipses ... disturbing. They don't enhance your otherwise deftly written poem.
forgotten shame? a fear? I can’t decide
Oh, God! this numbing fog seems here to stay…
this dread… this puzzling emptiness inside
no one in whom I freely can confide
who’ll help me look into this murky gray
somewhere within… this place I learned to hide
a glimpse, a curtain sudden pulled aside
a fleeing specter melts. How can I stay
this dread? …this puzzling emptiness inside?
How about "sudden' " . I don't mind that usage, but it usually takes an ' at the end. Or else another word, maybe 'promptly', which would alliterate nicely with 'pulled'. All the same, it's a great S.
a hundred lonely nights, alone I’ve cried
please show me; somehow put it on display
somewhere within… this place I learned to hide
End rhyme could be 'tried' in L1, as Luce suggests. To show that the person is indeed making an effort, all alone.
I know some day You’ll in Your time provide
more Light… somehow You’ll graciously allay
this dread… this puzzling emptiness inside…
somewhere within… this place I learned to hide
Is the poet imploring God, as suggested by all the Caps? Dunno... Perhaps replace at least one 'You'll' with some totally different word. Or remove the Cap from 'Your time' in L1. Not necessary, IMO.
A pleasure to read. Tx for sharing.
Syl***
© MLee Dickens'son
Posted by: Arnfinn Jan 30 16, 06:17
G'day Daniel
I suppose you could go gently into the night--a good place to hide.
You made a good job of this presentation--I did not miss a beat.
How is the pullover scene can you get a glimpse of the lady. 
Regards The Finn. 
Posted by: Psyche Apr 1 16, 04:13
Hi Daniel,
I returned to this barren forum...yep! Lonely, as in your villanelle...no children playing around. 
Strange how changes in mood seem to influence one's view of poems. Maybe after a long time. Just the other day I realized why I'd put a certain phrase in a poem. The 3-word phrase was commented on, but it was OK for most critters, tho' not all.
For unknown reasons, I'm now quite fascinated by all your ellipses... I think they allow some freedom of expression in formed and metered poetry. Why not be different for a change?
Just some thoughts to share...
Syl 
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