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> Form Poetry & Rhyme., Can well written poem in rhyme be good poetry.
Arnfinn
post Jul 29 09, 05:39
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G'day Alan,

You have found the poem bumpy because of the syntax

9
10
10
9

9
10
10
9

9
10
10
9

A missed beat on the first and last lines with tempo in the middle.

The fruitcakes in the beating, mate not in the reading.

Flap
flap, flap,
Flap.

Regards,

John





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Thoth
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Hello John,
I tried to post a reply to this yesterday but the system failed and it was all lost, so here I go again.

This sketch has shows vivid imagery and elegant craftsmanship. The mood is perfect, soft and changing. I totally connect with the poem as some of my fondest memories are from my fishing heyday on the east-coast of South Africa at sunrise. I loved the “indigo stairs” - brilliant! (got to get me some of those!)

No nits really, but some comment on S3 which to me is weaker than the other strophes.
When describing a scene, specifics are more powerful than generalizations. For example, “Wildlife” is a very vague term, invoking a poor image response. “Sea-birds” would be sharper but the ”raucous cry of soaring gulls” echoing from cliffs is an unforgettable image that many people will have experienced so a sharp emotional response is stimulated in the reader.
I’m not suggesting a change here, merely something to bear in mind.

The last couplet could be tightened up, everyone knows the sun rises in the east, dawn and sunrise are synonymous and the new day born has already been mentioned so there is some redundancy here.

Another great poem from you John, thank you.
Regards,
Wally

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Dee
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I very much enjoyed this read. It has the elegant beauty I appreciate in poetry.
However, there are a couple nits... one has already been addressed. The 3rd stanza suggestions that have been made... I agree with those. The other nit is in line one. It's the colon. Maybe it's just me, but I feel it interrupts the flow. Being the first line of the poem, no interruption of flow should occur here at all. The simple remedy is to just transpose the words "yellow" and "splashes". Then the first line would read: Sunlight splashes yellow atop the sea
This would give you better flow because it will remove the pause that follows the colon. As I said... could just be me.
Again, enjoyed the imagery in this piece.

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Arnfinn
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G'day, Wally,




No nits really, but some comment on S3 which to me is weaker than the other strophes.
When describing a scene, specifics are more powerful than generalizations. For example, “Wildlife” is a very vague term, invoking a poor image response. “Sea-birds” would be sharper but the ”raucous cry of soaring gulls” echoing from cliffs is an unforgettable image that many people will have experienced so a sharp emotional response is stimulated in the reader.
I’m not suggesting a change here, merely something to bear in mind.

The last couplet could be tightened up, everyone knows the sun rises in the east, dawn and sunrise are synonymous and the new day born has already been mentioned so there is some redundancy here.


Thank you for the encouragement.

You are correct there doesn't seem to be much imagination in S3, and the last couplet seems a bit nursery rhymish.

I must sit down and make a better verse contribution to my poetry.

John








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Arnfinn
View Member Profile Add as Friend Send Message Find Member's Topics Find Member's Posts Jul 21 09, 03:18 IP: 121.216.120.142 | Post #7 |


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G'day Dee,


You are a person of few postings. So, I take pleasure in your visit.

You are quiet correct I didn't consider the pause in L1; the interuption
to the flow is a mistake.

I will make the alteration suggested.

And I am about to re-write stanza 3.

I want to thank you for your comments.


Regards,

John


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Arnfinn

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Marc-Andre Germa...
Marc-Andre Germain View Member Profile Add as Friend Send Message Find Member's Topics Find Member's Posts Jul 21 09, 05:36 IP: 58.9.165.207 | Post #8 |


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John, this is bumpy because the meter is too irregular:

DAWN


Sunlight/: yellow /splashes/ atop/ the sea—/
>>That's three trochees followed by two iambs.
full brush /movements; /an ar/tists rhap/sody,/
>>spondee/ trochee/iamb/iamb/phyrric? ..."rhapsody" is a dactyllic word...the opening lines establish the meter/rhythm of the piece; by reading the first foot in L1 as a spondee, I am willing to accept the meter as a nonce form (and delightfully so)

if you make a choice (I vote for the trochee) in the third foot

spondee/ trochee/.....?...../iamb/iamb
spondee/ trochee/.....?..../iamb/iamb

Sea/rhapsody do not make a perfect rhyme, unless with (undue) elevation of the last syllable in "RHAPsoDY"....again, these are the opening lines and you are establishing the rhythmic/metrical structure of your piece. "RHAPsoDY" is sing-songy reading...is that what you want? If you want sing-songy, you'll need to reword the irregular meter in your lines...You've got decisions to make here. Personally, I'd ditch "rhapsody" (at least in this position) and go with accentual verse, at five stressed beats per line (see the other scan below) and go at spondee/trochee/trochee/iamb/iamb/. By the way, three stressed beats are called a molossus; works like a spondee, only more strongly. If you go this way, you'll have a beat to lose in L1. If "sunlight" is a spondee, then you've got six stresses in L1. The second syllable in "atop" needs stress because of the string of weak syllables "SPLA-shes -a-top - the - SEA."

a cover drawn over indigo stairs,
" " " " over in/di go stairs/
>>I read this line as ending with two anapests. Cool rhythm, but the first stanza is metrically too irregular for me the reader to find rhythmical pleasure in it.
the dark/ night van/quished by swa/ddling heirs./
>>iamb/spondee/anapest/iamb.



Here is accentual scan of the same stanza:

Sunlight: yellow splashes atop the sea—
full brush movements; an artists rhapsody,
a cover drawn over indigo stairs,
the dark night vanquished by swaddling heirs.


This could be reworked as accentual verse, at say a five beat per line. Going this way, I'd perhaps attempt it at a shorter line length, and I'd use solid, really solid rhymes.


Plenty of examples of accentual verse to be found in Mother Goose, with which imnsho every aspiring poets should be familiar with.

All that said, with a little more regularity, this poem has great rhythmical potential. It just needs the fine-tuning to turn this from a poorly-executed poem to a very fine one.

I hope this helps.

Mark

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Arnfinn
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G'day Mark,

Much appreciated your in depth assessment of my poem.

Firstly I'm going to rewrite L1 on a crit from Dee.

Secondly I made up my own form for this poem, so with that in mind,
it doesn't transcribe to any known accredited form. I do not have the
metre of specific forms: I am not governed by rules.

This poem is an Arnfinnian. By doing this I can:

Create my own rhythm.
Use the best words that suit the poem.
Not restricted by formal custom.
Read the poem, over and over, until I get the beat I want.

Most form poetry, restricts by dictated metre what you want to say.

For instance, doen't the word rhapsody set the image of an orchestral painting;
whereas 'music' a tune on a piano.

Making up your own virgin form sets the poet free to be judged on a new sunrise.


Two members have advised me that S 3 is weak and not up to the imagery of S1,
and S2.

They are spot on.

So, I will revise S3.

The main essence for me in poetry, is the words and the reading of poetry.

Creating a bond and understanding between the reader and expression of created beauty, means
more to me, as a poet, than convention.


John








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Marc-Andre Germa...
Marc-Andre Germain View Member Profile Add as Friend Send Message Find Member's Topics Find Member's Posts Jul 22 09, 15:44 IP: 58.9.166.132 | Post #10 |


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G'day Mark,

Much appreciated your in depth assessment of my poem.

>>Good to hear, but....

Firstly I'm going to rewrite L1 on a crit from Dee.

Secondly I made up my own form for this poem, so with that in mind,
it doesn't transcribe to any known accredited form. I do not have the
metre of specific forms: I am not governed by rules.

>>...mate, have you got that deja-vu feeling too?

This poem is an Arnfinnian. By doing this I can:

Create my own rhythm.
Use the best words that suit the poem.
Not restricted by formal custom.
Read the poem, over and over, until I get the beat I want.

Most form poetry, restricts by dictated metre what you want to say.

Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -> Herme's Homilies
Post poems that utilize set patterns of rhyme or metrical scheme, stanza formats, and/or refrains. Fixed forms such as Ballades, Blank Verse, Rondeau, Sonnet, Swap Quatrain, Triolet, Villanelle and poems inspired by fixed forms are welcome. Please state the form, metric or rhyme scheme used in your topic description for the benefit of critiquing.
>>Another deja-vu?....and my haibun didn't belong????My "haiku" are contrary to MM policy? Seriously, mate, it's getting hard to think otherwise than that you've been taking a piss at me...


For instance, doen't the word rhapsody set the image of an orchestral painting;
whereas 'music' a tune on a piano.
>>I don't question your choice of the word "rhapsody", but I do question its position. The whole poem uses solid rhymes, in couplets. The opening lines establish the (Arnfinnian) form; why establish it with the weakest rhyme?

Making up your own virgin form sets the poet free to be judged on a new sunrise.

>>Here's where things go wrong though....When you offer any piece of writing, you the author and the reader are forming a contract. As an author, you've got to fulfill the expectations that you lead the reader into, to keep your promise. What you're offering here at first glance is a rhyming poem that is metrical, because all the lines contain approximately the same number of syllable/beats. Three lines are perfectly acceptable as iambic pentameter, though the first of them as a spondaic and a trochaic substitution;

full brush movements; an artists rhapsody,

a virgin gasp directs a new day born,
and blows a cool zephyr that finds my face

You establish a different rhyme in your first line, and I'm intrigued, eager to the second line to see how this will all develop. The second line's meter throws me off though. Variations come in before the rhythm is even established. Which it won't. At the third line, I am frustrated, and at the fourth, I am already wondering whether you actually honour your audience. These were my reactions as a reader at first read, and I couldn't bear it to read it entirely a first time. There was too much regular irregularity from me to derive pleasure from the pulse of your poem. Worse still, I am unable to justify this departure from the norms of reader expectations. In other words, the irregular rhythm doesn't enhance the words in any way. The impression it gave me is that you lacked the ability to write metrically. Which is a shame, really. You've got nice visuals there (though some are cliches) and it's a sad thing to see it diminished by poor technical execution, like a marred painting, or a piano out of tune. Following your thoughts as you've spelled them above, why didn't you write this in free verse? Or why didn't you take the pains to create your actual nonce form?

You don't seem intent to improve the craft and structure of this poem. Why post it to be critiqued?


Two members have advised me that S 3 is weak and not up to the imagery of S1,
and S2.

They are spot on.

>>Well, I'm leaving you in their good hands. As I've written in another response, I can but really help with the craft, the emotional energy etc. is something I can't help you with. I guess there's no need to go into semantic details either...Anyhow, I won't. When you and when another member have challenged me on the craft, I have actually responded discussing the technical aspects in question, and was still expecting for the counter-response...I felt I might be getting into another interesting and educative discussion. You are the third or fourth member who replies that the points in my critiques just don't apply to you, and to your style. ( Whether you actually apply my advice is of course irrelevant here. ) This all I could have helped you with. I have stopped critiquing those other member's work, and I'm not sure if I'll critique yours again. I'm not asking you to agree. But after all that MM conformity and policy bogus, how do you think I feel?

Anyhow, no hard feeling, and good luck with the poem.

Mark

So, I will revise S3.

The main essence for me in poetry, is the words and the reading of poetry.

Creating a bond and understanding between the reader and expression of created beauty, means
more to me, as a poet, than convention.

>>This is the point I've argued above, if nowhere else, this is where I think this version has failed. Sorry I couldn't be of any help.

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Arnfinn
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G'day, Marc.

Mate, again, thank you for your opinion.

Your comments have been duly noted.


John

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Arnfinn
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G'day, Mark.


There is no problem.



I defined the Arfiniian,

A good rhyme.

So, post your response. as a poem.



John.




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Marc-Andre Germa...
Marc-Andre Germain View Member Profile Add as Friend Send Message Find Member's Topics Find Member's Posts Jul 23 09, 12:16 IP: 203.146.86.90 | Post #13 |


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John,

Let me quote you here:

"This poem is an Arnfinnian. By doing this I can:

Create my own rhythm.
Use the best words that suit the poem.
Not restricted by formal custom.
Read the poem, over and over, until I get the beat I want."

Nothing new here, this is called free verse. Only, it probably won't be recognised as free verse by many because of the uniform line length and rhymes. This can work as accentual verse or as I was suggesting above, a nonce or open form, i.e. a form created by the author for the purpose of one particular poem, which is what you seem to be doing here.

All that aside, my main issue remains with the opening stanza, namely because of its cliches. The sky-painting imagery is coming near exhaustion, I'd prefer to something new. I'd also change "virgin" for soemething less akin to poetic diction, but that's a minor issue. Many might be thrown off nowadays by the diction you use, but I'm one of those who believe that poetry is the art of language, so I won't suggest you change it. Personally, as long as you avoid such adjectives as "virginal" and "celestial", I'm fine. LOL. I'd also suggest something more specific for "wildlife", even if still a large definition like "fauna."

Otherwise, it all looks good to me. Sound-wise, I prefer the third stanza, the consonants being softer than in the first two stanzas, and more in line with the contents.

I still maintain than forcing a rhyme sea/rhapsody, followed by all solid rhymes has raised in this reader the expectation of (accentual-syllabic) metrical rhymes.

I hope this answers your question.

A wonderful evening to you, mate.

Mark

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Arnfinn
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G'day, mate.

Read you loud and clear.

Keep in mind when I do a revision.

I'll keep the same rhyme scheme, with scholia on the original version.

As far a metre, a sacrifice to the artistic mural.


John


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Marc-Andre Germa...
Marc-Andre Germain View Member Profile Add as Friend Send Message Find Member's Topics Find Member's Posts Jul 24 09, 09:54 IP: 203.146.86.90 | Post #15 |


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John, you've got five stressed beats per line, so it works well as accentual verses. If this fits your muse in the revision, you might want to keep an eye for opportunities to use less-offensive (for lack of a better term) substitutions such as double iambs (phyrric+spondee) instead of anapests, spondees instead of trochees even if that gives you a molossus (three consecutive stressed beats.) These are rhythmic devices that could give you the elbow room you need while maintaining the music (meter.) Again, just a suggestion, take or toss.

Mark

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Arnfinn
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Whoooooeeeeeee, mate.


You've got me under a microscope.


qq
l
l))))))))))))))))))))))) . Yeash.


qwerty...>>>>>>.



How's the above for an original abstract poem.


John

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Marc-Andre Germa...
Marc-Andre Germain View Member Profile Add as Friend Send Message Find Member's Topics Find Member's Posts Jul 24 09, 10:53 IP: 203.146.86.90 | Post #17 |


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Not bad at all, but do make the effort to make it a concrete poem

Here's mine:

`1234567890-=\ /*-
qwertyuiop[] 789 +
asdfghjkkll;' 456
zxcvbnm,./ 123

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Sekhmet
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Good morning John -
You have created a delightful poem; and offered it to us as a word picture of the emotions you felt on beholding a single glorious sunrise.
I do not believe that you have, 'entered into a contract' with me, or anyone within MM, to provide a die-stamped, formulaic set of carefully measured words.
We poets have a tendency to be an undisciplined army - a rabble of disparate, and mostly free, spirits.
As in life, there are those who enjoy working within, and even elaborating upon - the rules.
At the opposite end of the scale, there are those those who choose to bend or, (Hush my mouth!) ignore some of the rules. There is room in this vast world of words for both.
The sheepdog mentality, which has to round up every straying iambic, whilst guarding the tender verses from a marauding trochee - is not for everyone. If the poem's structure offends - the reader can pass it by without comment. Most writers know what they want to convey - should they choose to convey it outside the established rules - they risk disapproval. The Impressionist artists worked gleefully outside the rules, and were castigated by the traditionalists for stepping outside the accepted norms. Thank God they did!
I will now add my own two-pennyworth of nits for your consideration:

V1 L2 'artists' possibly artist's?

'the dark night vanquished by swaddling heirs.' Sorry - it is probably me, but I can't find a sensible meaning for that line.
The word,'swaddling' called to my mind, a human baby - nothing else that I could think of was 'swaddled'.
A 'swadling' is also a new-born baby - so I decided that I was to look for something new-born - but what? The image of a swaddled baby, on a beach,at daybreak,was somewhat unsettling! Then I began to wonder, 'to whom are these swaddled babies heirs?' Could you give me an idea of what you intended here? I am afraid I missed the target completely.
Leo

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Arnfinn
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Mark,

mATE, YOU'VE BAFFLED ME WITH NUMBERS.

aLFA NUMERICAL, obliteration.


John

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Leo, let me say a pleasant surprise.


Good morning John -
You have created a delightful poem; and offered it to us as a word picture of the emotions you felt on beholding a single glorious sunrise.
I do not believe that you have, 'entered into a contract' with me, or anyone within MM, to provide a die-stamped, formulaic set of carefully measured words.
We poets have a tendency to be an undisciplined army - a rabble of disparate, and mostly free, spirits.
As in life, there are those who enjoy working within, and even elaborating upon - the rules.
At the opposite end of the scale, there are those those who choose to bend or, (Hush my mouth!) ignore some of the rules. There is room in this vast world of words for both.

I agree with you, Leo.

If I can get a poem to rhyme in/with beauty by my created words. That will do me me.

Poetry is self expression--not a contest.

Every one should read what is written and then question the story.

Sure point out the meter and other protracted faults (in a form, formula).
But if one is not writing iambic pentameter. Why force the issue.





The sheepdog mentality, which has to round up every straying iambic, whilst guarding the tender verses from a marauding trochee - is not for everyone. If the poem's structure offends - the reader can pass it by without comment. Most writers know what they want to convey - should they choose to convey it outside the established rules - they risk disapproval. The Impressionist artists worked gleefully outside the rules, and were castigated by the traditionalists for stepping outside the accepted norms. Thank God they did!
I will now add my own two-pennyworth of nits for your consideration:

Whoooee. Well said leo.


V1 L2 'artists' possibly artist's? I'll look at that.

'the dark night vanquished by swaddling heirs.' Sorry - it is probably me, but I can't find a sensible meaning for that line.
The word,'swaddling' called to my mind, a human baby - nothing else that I could think of was 'swaddled'.
A 'swadling' is also a new-born baby - so I decided that I was to look for something new-born - but what? The image of a swaddled baby, on a beach,at daybreak,was somewhat unsettling! Then I began to wonder, 'to whom are these swaddled babies heirs?' Could you give me an idea of what you intended here? I am afraid I missed the target completely.


Well, maybe your correct.

What I'm trying to paint a picture of, is, the darkness vanquished by the newborn rays of the sun. They rays being, the new born heirs.
I thought, that was pretty good.

Anyway being the wrong gender I may have gone astray.

I'm going to work on revision, because I think this poem has a lot of potential.


It's good to see you back Leo. I know these are tough times.
Reading and writing poetry is a wonderful way to release emotional stress.

I hope to see some more of poetry.

I appreciate your comments.

John




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Arnfinn

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Arnfinn
post Jul 29 09, 05:42
Post #2


Creative Chieftain
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Group: Centurion
Posts: 2,587
Joined: 9-August 03
From: Australia
Member No.: 17
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry



The good news is... you have pulled forth some deep responses with this one. *wink*

I wonder if it would be worth a discussion thread... poetry vs the science of poetry.

Could be interesting...


jgdittier
Jul 25 09, 14:32

Dear Arnfinn,
My style varies far from the modern norm and so, as you are exploring here, I'll hope to help simply by covering what this piece sounds like to me. (It may not to anyone else)

SUNlight: YELlow SPLASHes aTOP the SEA-
FULL brush MOVEments ; an ARTist's RHAPsody,*
a COVer DRAWN over INdigo STAIRS,
the DARK NIGHT vanQUISH'D by SWADdling HEIRS.

PASsionate BREATH steals the SOUL of MORN;
a VIRgin GASP directs a NEW day BORN**
and BLOWS a cool ZEPHyr that FINDS my FACE
my SPIRits LIFTed- a FRESH emBRACE.

WILDlife WAKES with JOYous eMOtion,
DAY SOUNDS ECho betweenCLIFFS and Ocean,
the SUNrise PEEPS from the EAST and sets FREE
a GOLDen DAWN PAINTed on the SEA.
*I treat rhapsody as a /--
**directs might be -/ or /-

Good luck and cheers, Ron jgdittier

--------------------



Arnfinn
Jul 27 09, 08:03

G'day Dee,


Yeah, think we will dooo that.


Regards,


John

--------------------

Arnfinn
Jul 27 09, 08:19

G'day, Ron.


As you know, there are so many ways to write stressed poetry, Ron.

If I was an expert, (I'm not), this poem could rearranged (Words, some substituted) to follow different meter patterns.

Dear Arnfinn,
My style varies far from the modern norm and so, as you are exploring here, I'll hope to help simply by covering what this piece sounds like to me. (It may not to anyone else)

SUNlight: YELlow SPLASHes aTOP the SEA-
FULL brush MOVEments ; an ARTist's RHAPsody,*
a COVer DRAWN over INdigo STAIRS,
the DARK NIGHT vanQUISH'D by SWADdling HEIRS.

PASsionate BREATH steals the SOUL of MORN;
a VIRgin GASP directs a NEW day BORN**
and BLOWS a cool ZEPHyr that FINDS my FACE
my SPIRits LIFTed- a FRESH emBRACE.

WILDlife WAKES with JOYous eMOtion,
DAY SOUNDS ECho betweenCLIFFS and Ocean,
the SUNrise PEEPS from the EAST and sets FREE
a GOLDen DAWN PAINTed on the SEA.
*I treat rhapsody as a /--
**directs might be -/ or /-

Interesting, Ron.

I'll keep in mind for my re-write. I'm keeping 'rhapsody' in the poem.

John.

--------------------


Psyche
Today, 02:36 AM


Hi Arnie!

This is a wonderful surprise after the WORMS take...LOL....

Lovely colour imagery, as well as sound & movement.

I'm also DELIGHTED to meet up with Leo again in this thread. And I absolutely agree with what she's said. Hi Leo, later on or tomorrow I'll peep to see whether you've posted a new topic in one of the forums. Hope so!

Arnie, just some wee nits:


QUOTE (Arnfinn @ Jul 13 09, 13:07 )
DAWN

Sunlight: yellow splashes atop the sea— <<<<< 10
full brush movements; an artists rhapsody, <<<<< 10
a cover drawn over indigo stairs, <<<<<<<< 10
the dark night vanquished by swaddling heirs. <<<<<< 9

L2: artist's. And maybe just a comma after movements? For better flow..
Also, I don't understand your 9-10-10-9 explanation. Do you refer to some special beat, or the syllable count? You have 10 sylls in L1. But maybe it's just me.
L3-4 also confuse me. I don't understand the meaning of 'swaddling heirs' in this context. And what would the 'indigo stairs' be? Sorry, just explain and I'll be happy!

Passionate breath steals the soul of morn;
a virgin gasp directs a new day born,
and blows a cool zephyr that finds my face <<<<<comma after face?
my spirits lifted— a fresh embrace.

Lovely stanza, John!

Wildlife wakes with joyous emotion,
day sounds echo between cliffs and ocean,
the sunrise peeps from the east and sets free
a golden dawn painted on the sea.

I love this stanza as well, but whereas L1-2 seem to have a good beat to my ear, L3-4 don't sound so good. Please take or toss, I'm no expert at metre!

Thanks for this delightful piece!
Syl***

--------------------

Arnfinn
Today, 10:31 AM From: Australia

Aw, Syl,

I put a lot of work into DAWN

I've got a meter block. I have to go back to basic reference books to re-educate me eyes n' brain,

My first endeavour, was to write something beautiful in rhyme.

Then to keep all the words and the imagery.


Sunlight: yellow splashes atop the sea— <<<<< 10
full brush movements; an artists rhapsody, <<<<< 10
a cover drawn over indigo stairs, <<<<<<<< 10
the dark night vanquished by swaddling heirs. <<<<<< 9

L2: artist's. And maybe just a comma after movements? For better flow.. You reckon a comma? There is no change in thought Re: artist.
Also, I don't understand your 9-10-10-9 explanation. Do you refer to some special beat, or the syllable count? You have 10 sylls in L1. But maybe it's just me.
L3-4 also confuse me. I don't understand the meaning of 'swaddling heirs' in this context. And what would the 'indigo stairs' be? Sorry, just explain and I'll be happy!

Sylv, Re: 'swadling heirs.' The night is vanquished by the newborn sunrays.

Idigo stairs: If you look down at waves rolling into shore, they look like stairs ^^^^^^^^. 'a cover drawn over indigo stairs,'= the sunrise ' a cover' drawn over the waves.

Passionate breath steals the soul of morn;
a virgin gasp directs a new day born,
and blows a cool zephyr that finds my face <<<<<comma after face? Yes!
my spirits lifted— a fresh embrace.

Lovely stanza, John!

Wildlife wakes with joyous emotion,
day sounds echo between cliffs and ocean,
the sunrise peeps from the east and sets free
a golden dawn painted on the sea.

I love this stanza as well, but whereas L1-2 seem to have a good beat to my ear, L3-4 don't sound so good. Please take or toss, I'm no expert at metre!


Thanks, Syl, I think you and the MM crew can straighten me out on a few things.

The revision is some way off.

John


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Arnfinn

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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