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> Good Time Girl, Love and humor
Guest_ohsteve_*
post Nov 3 10, 19:08
Post #1





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Good Time Girl

Brush of the wind steals
your name from my lips.
Where it was but a whisper
in a dream, a kiss, lighter
than butterfly footsteps.

Your voice was the murmur
of a rain drop from a leaf,
that rose to a waterfalls
thunderous roar.

It's song a susurration
of love, at first I was afraid
that you would not hear,
thought of disappointment,
when your hand on my shoulder
touched me and you said

"Hey sailor, looking for a good time?"

3 Nov 2010
© Steve Pray
 
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merle
post Nov 4 10, 01:56
Post #2


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Member No.: 756
Real Name: Robin DeWalt
Writer of: Poetry
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Hi Steve,

I like your humor but to tell you the truth, I fell in love with the first two stanzas and felt this could have been a wonderful love poem without the third. Just a thought in case you might want to change the ending.


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Eisa
post Nov 4 10, 14:35
Post #3


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Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



QUOTE (merle @ Nov 4 10, 06:56 ) *
Hi Steve,

I like your humor but to tell you the truth, I fell in love with the first two stanzas and felt this could have been a wonderful love poem without the third. Just a thought in case you might want to change the ending.


I think I agree with Robin. The first 2 stanzas are very poetic - very beautiful, Steve ... but I like the first 2 lines of the last stanza too.

Snow Snowflake.gif


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Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

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Guest_ohsteve_*
post Nov 6 10, 02:13
Post #4





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okvotes are 2 to 0 i will change the last stanza... thought about it when I first posted but wanted to see how many laughs came through...
Thanks Eira and Robin for reading. I couldn't get the last one to come out right and fought with it for an hour then took a nap, I need to get back to a lot of poems I have posted and just let lie without revision. My muse is sort of so so lately so maybe i cna wend my tired way over and revize a few....I also need to go find some of my really old ones from when I was on other sites, I think I may have misplaced them. Mind is fuzzy so's my face but you still take me walking all over the place....lol.I think I have lost a week in here if you find it please return.

Take care all
Steve
 
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Psyche
post Nov 11 10, 23:55
Post #5


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From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
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Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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QUOTE (ohsteve @ Nov 4 10, 02:08 ) *
Good Time Girl

Brush of the wind steals
your name from my lips.
Where it was but a whisper
in a dream, a kiss, lighter
than butterfly footsteps.

Simply lovely S1, Steve. I love the last line, so delicate.

Your voice was the murmur
of a rain drop from a leaf,
that rose to a waterfalls
thunderous roar.

Same here. Impressive L3 & 4.

It's song a susurration
of love, at first I was afraid
that you would not hear,
thought of disappointment,
when your hand on my shoulder
touched me and you said

"Hey sailor, looking for a good time?"

I love your finale, Steve, but I'm a bit bewildered at the twist in the last S. Somehow I think the connection needs some re-inforcing between S1 & 2, with S3. Not sure whether it's the same girl, or some of the author's memories, or if it all really happened.

Maybe it doesn't matter. I think your poem is lovely.

Hugs, Syl***


3 Nov 2010
© Steve Pray



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Mis temas favoritos



"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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