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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 _ Good Time Girl

Posted by: ohsteve Nov 3 10, 19:08

Good Time Girl

Brush of the wind steals
your name from my lips.
Where it was but a whisper
in a dream, a kiss, lighter
than butterfly footsteps.

Your voice was the murmur
of a rain drop from a leaf,
that rose to a waterfalls
thunderous roar.

It's song a susurration
of love, at first I was afraid
that you would not hear,
thought of disappointment,
when your hand on my shoulder
touched me and you said

"Hey sailor, looking for a good time?"

3 Nov 2010
© Steve Pray

Posted by: merle Nov 4 10, 01:56

Hi Steve,

I like your humor but to tell you the truth, I fell in love with the first two stanzas and felt this could have been a wonderful love poem without the third. Just a thought in case you might want to change the ending.

Posted by: Eisa Nov 4 10, 14:35

QUOTE (merle @ Nov 4 10, 06:56 )

I think I agree with Robin. The first 2 stanzas are very poetic - very beautiful, Steve ... but I like the first 2 lines of the last stanza too.

Snow

Posted by: ohsteve Nov 6 10, 02:13

okvotes are 2 to 0 i will change the last stanza... thought about it when I first posted but wanted to see how many laughs came through...
Thanks Eira and Robin for reading. I couldn't get the last one to come out right and fought with it for an hour then took a nap, I need to get back to a lot of poems I have posted and just let lie without revision. My muse is sort of so so lately so maybe i cna wend my tired way over and revize a few....I also need to go find some of my really old ones from when I was on other sites, I think I may have misplaced them. Mind is fuzzy so's my face but you still take me walking all over the place....lol.I think I have lost a week in here if you find it please return.

Take care all
Steve

Posted by: Psyche Nov 11 10, 23:55

QUOTE (ohsteve @ Nov 4 10, 02:08 )

Good Time Girl

Brush of the wind steals
your name from my lips.
Where it was but a whisper
in a dream, a kiss, lighter
than butterfly footsteps.

Simply lovely S1, Steve. I love the last line, so delicate.

Your voice was the murmur
of a rain drop from a leaf,
that rose to a waterfalls
thunderous roar.

Same here. Impressive L3 & 4.

It's song a susurration
of love, at first I was afraid
that you would not hear,
thought of disappointment,
when your hand on my shoulder
touched me and you said

"Hey sailor, looking for a good time?"

I love your finale, Steve, but I'm a bit bewildered at the twist in the last S. Somehow I think the connection needs some re-inforcing between S1 & 2, with S3. Not sure whether it's the same girl, or some of the author's memories, or if it all really happened.

Maybe it doesn't matter. I think your poem is lovely.

Hugs, Syl***

3 Nov 2010
© Steve Pray