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> Hallowe'en Breakdown, few edits & extended last stanza from last time
Eisa
post Oct 31 10, 18:12
Post #1


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I wrote the original to this some years ago and I come back to it most years to tweak a bit. This year, I've extended the last stanza as I felt the ending was a bit abrupt. I've also brought it into the present tense

I've just revised the last stanza

This year's revision 2010

Hallowe'en Breakdown

My engine stalls as twilit skies
devour the night to tantalize
my thoughts. I rush
for help. The narrow roadway seems
deserted, distant creatures scream
‘til there is hush.
Full moon diffuses eerie light
where shadows dance and bats take flight.
I feel a thrill
to spy a cottage through the trees,
it’s windows rattle while the breeze
is turning chill.

She beckons me with horny finger
saying, enter … do not linger
there in damp
night air
. I scan the room and shiver
… what a sight! Her cackle quivers
as the lamp
light flickers, silhouetting vessels
on the shelves. I try to wrestle
with the crone,
who stirs her pot of spooky things,
that fire my wild imaginings
with flesh and bone.

Outside the wind begins to squall
as time ticks loudly on the wall.
I struggle free --
and make a dash towards the door,
her footsteps echo on the floor
not far from me.
I reach the window near the lane
as light glints through the window pane
-- a rooster calls.
I trip … into the fire, flames surge;
amidst the smoke, I watch her merge
into the wall.


------------------------------------
old last stanza

Outside the wind begins to squall
as time ticks loudly on the wall.
I struggle free
and make a dash towards the door,
her footsteps echo on the floor
not far from me.
I reach the window near the lane
as light glints through the window pane
-- I pray its dawn.
Her cauldron crackled churning smoke
awhirl, I hear her splutter … choke
Bang! … Where’s she gone?

Last revision

My engine stalled when twilit skies
engorged the night to tantalize
my thoughts. I rushed
for help. The narrow roadway seemed
deserted, distant creatures screamed
… then night was hushed.
Full moon diffused an eerie sight
where shadows danced and bats took flight.
I felt a thrill
to spy a cottage through the trees,
it’s windows rattling as the breeze
was turning chill.

She beckoned me with claw-like finger
bade me enter, not to linger
long in damp
night air. I stepped inside and shivered
from sheer dread; her cackle quivered
when the lamp
light flickered, silhouetting vessels
on the shelves. Emotions wrestled
with that hag
who stirred her pot of secret things,
so filled with wild imaginings
that made me gag.

Outside the winds began to squall;
I heard the clock tick on the wall
and prayed for dawn.
Her cauldron crackled, churning smoke
awhirl, I heard her splutter … choke


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Cleo_Serapis
post Oct 31 10, 18:24
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Real Name: Lori Kanter
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Referred By:Imhotep



Tee hee! goodwitch.gif

What a FUN poem to read tonight, Snow! I like the format of this and enjoyed reading each stanza as the drama of the mysterious evening unfolded. I'm not ready for critting this one, but did want to stop by and say that I enjoyed it!!!

Happy Halloween!


~Cleo zombie.gif


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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

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Eisa
post Oct 31 10, 18:57
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From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Thanks Lori - makes a nice change from ballet at the moment! LOL!

Happy Hallowe'en gandalfw.gif bat.gif wolf.gif

Hugs
Snow ghostface.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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JLY
post Nov 2 10, 05:42
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Snow,

A very timely and topical poem. I loved your rhymes, they all fit and nothing seemed forced.

I enjoyed the flow and storyline; I think your revision is much improved and I can't really think of anything to adjust or tweak.

JLY


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Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!


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Eisa
post Nov 2 10, 16:21
Post #5


Mosaic Master
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Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Thanks John! I've done a few revisions on this - I tend to bring it out of the drawer each year

Snow Snowflake.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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