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> A light Autumn's Haze
Guest_ohsteve_*
post Aug 16 10, 15:34
Post #1





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A light Autumn's Haze

Haunted by the ghosts of Falls gone
past and those yet to arrive.
This Autumns quintessential day fills me up.

My morning with a soft lakeside mist
full with the aroma of smoke ended embers,
half-eaten hot dogs, and Oak and Hickory.

Where we dabble our toes amongst the
dark stars, quiet breathing memories, rocket ships,
cherished friends, apple cores and kisses.

It was a day like this some thirty years ago
we tried it all for the first time.
And now the last V's are herding us home.

It's been a day of brass beams breaking through clouds,
sun is purpling the late sky and a distant train echoes
like an oboe quartet calling out the stars.

16 Aug ,2010
© Steve Pray
 
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merle
post Aug 17 10, 03:51
Post #2


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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 262
Joined: 4-February 09
Member No.: 756
Real Name: Robin DeWalt
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Winning Writer's web site



Hi Steve -

Yes, there are a few crits to be made but I'll come back and address those later. Just a quick note before I turn in; I think this is a very honest poem which makes for good reading. I especially like the line about dabbling your toes amongst the stars...love that. I'll be back for an indpeth crit tomorrow.

G'night,
Robin


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Guest_dflore_*
post Aug 29 10, 00:24
Post #3





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sorry but mostly too cliche' for my liking
 
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Eisa
post Sep 10 10, 17:19
Post #4


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Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Hi Steve

I don't know how I have come to miss this gem - a few suggestions:


A light Autumn's Haze

Good title

Haunted by the ghosts of Falls [gone] past
and those yet to arrive.
This Autumns quintessential day fills me up.

My morning with a soft lakeside mist
full with the aroma of smoke ended embers,
half-eaten hot dogs, [and] Oak and Hickory.

Where we dabble our toes amongst the
dark stars, quiet breathing memories, rocket ships,
cherished friends, apple cores and kisses.

This is a great St - love it!

It was a day like this some thirty years ago
we tried it all for the first time.
And now the last V's are herding us home.

It's been a day of brass beams breaking through clouds,
sun is purpling the late sky and a distant train echoes
like an oboe quartet calling out the stars.


This is my favourite stanza - wonderful descriptions


I really enjoyed the read
Snow Snowflake.gif


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AMETHYST
post Sep 13 10, 01:09
Post #5


Ornate Oracle
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Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter



HiYa Steve,

Been wanting to get to this for a few days now and glad I have a little down time at work to approach it. I hope this posting find you well and things improving with both computer and mostly health! Below I will leave some thoughts and comments, please use whatever is in line with your intentions, and discard what isn't ... As always I enjoy reading your work.

Hugs, Liz


QUOTE
A light Autumn's Haze


I like the title. However, I would suggest "A Light Autumn Haze"

QUOTE
Haunted by the ghosts of Falls gone
past and those yet to arrive.
This Autumns quintessential day fills me up.


I like what you are painting here. The idea of residue from the energy of a seasons previous happenings... However below is an example of my thoughts and please use or lose as always -

Haunted by ghosts of Autumns past
and others yet to come -
This Fall's quintessential day
fills me -


QUOTE
My morning with a soft lakeside mist
full with the aroma of smoke ended embers,
half-eaten hot dogs, and Oak and Hickory.


There is such wonder in the aftermath of memories presented here that it awakens my own memories of previous picnics and bbqs where we made life happen. L1, beginning with "My morning' felt imcomplete to me, by stanza end. as if the my morning doesn't quite connect or is missing the connecting word to make it a full image... perhaps -

My Morning, blessed by a soft lakeside mist (other alternates could be accompanied, complimented, accentuated or even featured or climaxed ) ...
full with smoky aroma, half-eaten hot dogs,
and Oak and Hickory.


QUOTE
Where we dabble our toes amongst the
dark stars, quiet breathing memories, rocket ships,
cherished friends, apple cores and kisses.


We dabble our toes
amongst dark stars, quiet breath-taking memories -
rocket ships, cherished friends, apple cores and kisses.

QUOTE
It was a day like this some thirty years ago
we tried it all for the first time.
And now the last V's are herding us home.


Unfortunately, I think this stanza is offering very important information, however to me, it isn't clearly stated. In L2, I am not sure what the narrator is saying the tried for the first time - and the V's (which could be birds heading south in a v shape and using that as the metaphor to go home) ...

Perhaps (only if I am getting what might be said)

Thirty years ago; a day much like today-

I would love to hear more about this and perhaps I will be able to offer other feedback.

QUOTE
It's been a day of brass beams breaking through clouds,
sun is purpling the late sky and a distant train echoes
like an oboe quartet calling out the stars.



Love the imagery here. Nice closing stanza. I would only suggest perhaps some reworking the stanza's structure...

A day of brass beams
breaking through cottony clouds,
sun, purpling the late sky
as a distant train echoes like an oboe
quartet calling out the stars.



Of course I am not sure if my suggestions are in line with your intentions, but please use what is useful to you and discard the rest.

Big Hugs, Liz


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Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Guest_ohsteve_*
post Oct 16 10, 17:03
Post #6





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Eira, thanks for your kind words and simple nits, seems a lot of people missed this.

Take care
Steve
 
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Guest_ohsteve_*
post Oct 16 10, 17:23
Post #7





Guest






Liz, welcome back full force...what a wonderful critique. You have found some things that I missed, and maybe need to expand upon. I think with the first stanza all you have done is interchange fall and autumn, and I don't see a big difference in which is first listed. Oh the title change seems ok not sure why the dropping of the s would be that important.
My morning with a soft lakeside mist
full with the aroma of smoke ended embers, filled quickly with....to replace full with????? I kind of like to keep that first line.
half-eaten hot dogs, Oak and Hickory.

Where we dabble our toes amongst the
dark stars, quiet breathing memories, rocket ships, memories are still alive so are still breathing not breath taking ok?
cherished friends, apple cores and kisses

Perhaps (only if I am getting what might be said)

Thirty years ago; a day much like today- was when we(you and I) first tried all these wonderful things for the very first time, ie our first kiss, etc,,, and yes now the V's of (ducks, geeese, use your imagination.) are herding us home.

Could rearrange the last stanza so it is like your suggestion...
I hope this helps your understanding and that you can get more specific in your critique.

Take Care
hugs
Steve




 
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Guest_dflore_*
post Dec 10 10, 15:36
Post #8





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I read two lines and had to stop. Haunted by ghosts is so unoriginal i had to stop. sorry.
 
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