A light Autumn's Haze
Haunted by the ghosts of Falls gone
past and those yet to arrive.
This Autumns quintessential day fills me up.
My morning with a soft lakeside mist
full with the aroma of smoke ended embers,
half-eaten hot dogs, and Oak and Hickory.
Where we dabble our toes amongst the
dark stars, quiet breathing memories, rocket ships,
cherished friends, apple cores and kisses.
It was a day like this some thirty years ago
we tried it all for the first time.
And now the last V's are herding us home.
It's been a day of brass beams breaking through clouds,
sun is purpling the late sky and a distant train echoes
like an oboe quartet calling out the stars.
16 Aug ,2010
© Steve Pray
Hi Steve -
Yes, there are a few crits to be made but I'll come back and address those later. Just a quick note before I turn in; I think this is a very honest poem which makes for good reading. I especially like the line about dabbling your toes amongst the stars...love that. I'll be back for an indpeth crit tomorrow.
G'night,
Robin
sorry but mostly too cliche' for my liking
Hi Steve
I don't know how I have come to miss this gem - a few suggestions:
A light Autumn's Haze
Good title
Haunted by the ghosts of Falls [gone] past
and those yet to arrive.
This Autumns quintessential day fills me up.
My morning with a soft lakeside mist
full with the aroma of smoke ended embers,
half-eaten hot dogs, [and] Oak and Hickory.
Where we dabble our toes amongst the
dark stars, quiet breathing memories, rocket ships,
cherished friends, apple cores and kisses.
This is a great St - love it!
It was a day like this some thirty years ago
we tried it all for the first time.
And now the last V's are herding us home.
It's been a day of brass beams breaking through clouds,
sun is purpling the late sky and a distant train echoes
like an oboe quartet calling out the stars.
This is my favourite stanza - wonderful descriptions
I really enjoyed the read
Snow
HiYa Steve,
Been wanting to get to this for a few days now and glad I have a little down time at work to approach it. I hope this posting find you well and things improving with both computer and mostly health! Below I will leave some thoughts and comments, please use whatever is in line with your intentions, and discard what isn't ... As always I enjoy reading your work.
Hugs, Liz
Eira, thanks for your kind words and simple nits, seems a lot of people missed this.
Take care
Steve
Liz, welcome back full force...what a wonderful critique. You have found some things that I missed, and maybe need to expand upon. I think with the first stanza all you have done is interchange fall and autumn, and I don't see a big difference in which is first listed. Oh the title change seems ok not sure why the dropping of the s would be that important.
My morning with a soft lakeside mist
full with the aroma of smoke ended embers, filled quickly with....to replace full with????? I kind of like to keep that first line.
half-eaten hot dogs, Oak and Hickory.
Where we dabble our toes amongst the
dark stars, quiet breathing memories, rocket ships, memories are still alive so are still breathing not breath taking ok?
cherished friends, apple cores and kisses
Perhaps (only if I am getting what might be said)
Thirty years ago; a day much like today- was when we(you and I) first tried all these wonderful things for the very first time, ie our first kiss, etc,,, and yes now the V's of (ducks, geeese, use your imagination.) are herding us home.
Could rearrange the last stanza so it is like your suggestion...
I hope this helps your understanding and that you can get more specific in your critique.
Take Care
hugs
Steve
I read two lines and had to stop. Haunted by ghosts is so unoriginal i had to stop. sorry.
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