Earth, and Water: Wind and Fire., A Pantoum Options

[Sekhmet]

Earth, and Water: Wind and Fire.



Earth and Water: Wind and Fire;

worked by God, to craft our world.

Cheered on, by the heavenly choir,

as his wondrous works unfurled.


Worked by God to craft our world.

Spun, within his mighty hands;

as his wondrous works unfurled;

forming both the sea and lands.

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Spun within his mighty hands,

separating day from night:

forming both the sea and lands;

Sun, then Moon, flamed into sight.



Separating day from night;

[color="#333333"]cheered on by the heavenly choir,

Sun, then Moon, flamed into sight.

Earth, and Water: Wind, and Fire.

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Leo, From this read, it seems that you have very quickly mastered this form. I still don't really want to write to form even though I now understand this one much better. Feels like trying to button a shirt while wearing rubber gloves, when all I really need to do is slip on a T-shirt.

Steve

[Sekhmet]

Good morning Steve - You are so good to us scribblers at MM! - Always at hand, with a joke or a helpful crit; we are all so appreciative of the time and effort that your contributions take.

This poem was not one that I would have chosen to write - It's another subject, (The Elements) set by my French poetry group, and I wanted a little criticism to iron out the glitches before offering it to them.
My own feeling is that it is very run-of-the-mill, and dum-ti-dum - And, lets face it, 'The Creation' is a pretty big subject. It inspired Michelangelo to paint the Sistine Chapel ceiling - and all I can come up with is dum-ti-dum-ti-dum-ti-dum! I felt that the Pantoum was an epic enough form to fit the subject, but I don't seem to be any good at epic.
Is there anyone with a good feel for Heroic, (with a big h.) poetry out there? I would like to beef this one up a bit.
Love, Leo

[Guest_TheBryBenno_*]

I like this one a lot. Good to see a Biblical theme, and it is a good account, poetically, of how things went down. It makes me think of God as the almighty leader of a team, and his team mates (the angels) are cheering him on constantly for his heavenly achievements. Good job!

[Thoth]

Hi Leo,
My goodness, you did a splendid job here getting all the line sequence and the rhyme correct. Most pantoumists don’t bother to get the rhyme to match so this is special!

Earth, and Wind, and Air and Fire; 1a
worked by God, to craft our world. 2b
Cheered on, by the Heavenly choir, 3a
as His wondrous works unfurled. 4b

Worked by God to craft our world. 2b
Spun, within His mighty hands; 5d
as His wondrous works unfurled; 4b
forming both the Sea and Lands. 6d

Spun within His mighty hands, 5d
separating Day from Night: 7e
forming both the Sea and Lands; 6d
Sun, then Moon, flamed into sight. 8e

Separating Day from Night; 7e
cheered on by the Heavenly choir, 3a
Sun, then Moon, flamed into sight. 8e
Earth, and Wind, and Air, and Fire. 1a

Confuses this old brain for sure, I have to keep the reference sheet close by. I’m sure it’s easier for ladies who like knitting and follow a pattern

The repetition lines blended quite well and it rolls along quite smoothly.

Only nit I can find is I always thought the elements were;
Earth, wind, water and fire.
Air and wind being the same element.

Just a thought, loved the godliness of it at any rate. Thanks for sharing, maybe I will reciprocate if I feel daring enough to try one.

Hugggz,

Wally

[Sekhmet]

Hi Wally - Oh daft Leo! Of course you are right - Air and wind are more or less the same. I was trying out, 'Air' as a possibly easier rhyme than wind, and somehow it got itself stuck in my mind. I have booted out the interloper from the verse. You're right about knitting; I can knit a pretty mean pair of socks.
Thanks for noticing,
Huggzz back - Leo

[Sekhmet]

Thank you Bry/Ben - I have a soft spot for all the old Bible stories, although I am not a deeply religious person - I saw God as a potter, throwing a huge globe on his potters' wheel, and then firing it in his celestial kiln. But I loved your image of the basket ball team captain, spinning the ball, with a chorus of angelic cheerleaders, bouncing up and down with excitement.
Thanks - Leo