Slightly Demented, Rhyming - fun/nonsense Options

[Mistral]

Revision 2

“Have you seen my little gnome?”
I ask the mirror in the hall.
Not a word it breathes to me,
mutely hanging on the wall.

“Have you seen my little gnome?”
I query of the wooden door,
but all I get is silence and
rising coldness from the floor.

“Have you seen my little gnome?”
I quiz the window’s floral drapes.
With neither sound nor whispering,
it taunts me with its flower shapes.

“Have you seen my little gnome!”
demanding of the bedroom mat;
but all it does is lie down there,
inaudible and very flat.

“Have you seen my little gnome!!!”
now screaming at a passing boy.
Pointing at the lawn, he yells:
“There’s your stupid garden toy!”

________________________________



Revision 1

“Have you seen my little gnome?”
I ask the mirror in the hall.
Not a word it breathes to me,
just mutely hangs there on the wall.

“Have you seen my little gnome?”
I query of the wooden door,
but all I get is silence and
rising coldness from the floor.

“Have you seen my little gnome?”
I quiz the window’s floral drapes.
With neither sound nor whispering,
it taunts me with its flower shapes.

“Have you seen my little gnome!”
demanding of the bedroom mat;
but all it does is lie down there,
inaudible and very flat.

“Have you seen my little gnome!!!”
now screaming at a passing boy.
Pointing at the lawn, he yells:
“There’s your stupid garden toy!”

________________________________

Original

“Have you seen my little gnome?”
I ask the mirror in the hall.
Not a word it breathes to me,
just mutely hangs there on the wall.

“Have you seen my little gnome?”
I query of the wooden door,
but all I get is silence and
coldness rising from the floor.

“Have you seen my little gnome?”
I quiz the window’s floral drapes.
With neither sound nor whispering,
it taunts me with its flower shapes.

“Have you seen my little gnome!”
demanding of the bedroom mat;
but all it does is lie down there,
inaudible and very flat.

“Have you seen my little gnome!!!”
now screaming at a passing boy.
Pointing at the lawn, he yells:
“There’s your stupid garden toy!”

[Thoth]

Hi Mariana,
I loved this one as I read it, particulary the last line, I chuckled. There may be one or two thing I can contribute, I will get back to this.
Hugs, Wally

[Mistral]

Thank you Wally dear, I shall look forward to it and I'm glad I got a chuckle out of you. The whole reason for this silly poem.


Hugglies,
M

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Mistral,

What a cute poem! I had to laugh when I got to the end! That little boy must have thought your narrator was nuts! LOL

A thought or two for you to ponder~

“Have you seen my little gnome?”
I ask the mirror in the hall.
Not a word it breathes to me, An elipsis instead of a comma?
just mutely hangs there on the wall.

“Have you seen my little gnome?”
I query of the wooden door,
but all I get is silence and
coldness rising from the floor. For some reason I can't get this line to read with the same rhythm as the others. What if you turned it around just a bit...

'but all I get is silence and
rising coldness from the floor.'

Maybe it's just me! LOL

“Have you seen my little gnome?”
I quiz the window’s floral drapes.
With neither sound nor whispering,
it taunts me with its flower shapes.

“Have you seen my little gnome!”
demanding of the bedroom mat; I keep wanting to say 'bathroom mat'
but all it does is lie down there,
inaudible and very flat.

“Have you seen my little gnome!!!”
now screaming at a passing boy.
Pointing at the lawn, he yells:
“There’s your stupid garden toy!”

LOL Comical imagery! It's good to start the day with a laugh! Thanks for sharing~

Cathy

[Mistral]

Dear Cathy,

The narrator IS nuts! Hehehehe

Thanks for going through the poem, I'll be getting back to it soon to do some changes after your lovely suggestions.

Glad it made you smile!

Hugs,
M

[heartsong7]

Hi Mistral...
I just wanted to pop in to say how much I enjoyed this kooky bit of fun. It made me smile and I needed to. Thank you.
sue

[Mistral]

Dear Cathy,

Thank you for the pointers, I adopted your suggestion for S2L4. Please just also tell me what you mean by "elipsis"? I can't seem to find the definition of the word and have never seen it before, so am quite baffled. But then, I'm easily baffled! Hehehehe
Love that you've taken time to go through the poem AND that you liked it. Thanks, girl!

Dear Sue,

It is only my pleasure.....and one chuckle deserves another, don't you think? Watch this space....
Thanks for you comment too, Hon, much appreciated.

Hugs both,
M

[Alan]

Darling Mariana,

I remember seeing this elsewhere - but do not know if I commented there.

Only nit :

“Have you seen my little gnome?”
I ask the mirror in the hall.
Not a word it breathes to me,
just mutely hangs there on the wall.

I tend to dislike "just" in poems, most often it is a filler word.

How about :

mutely hangING on the wall. - Your other lines vary between 7 and 8 sylls, in no particular order, so this change would not affect that, and it keeps the beat.

Speaking of which,. I have not seen yer northern friend on any boards ? Hasn't got lost on your lawn, has he ?

Love
Alan

[Mistral]

Darling Alan,
Thanks for dropping in, I'll have a go at your suggestion and make a change. Although, I'm sure there's at least two ways you wouldn't mind the word "just". As in "the sleep of the just".....or particularly, "the sleep of the just after".
Hehehehe

Sheddie is waiting for approvement from another site, and for some strange reason he is unable to open the pages to MM to register or even read. I think he sent an email to the admistrators to try and find out what the problem is as he really wants to join up here.

Hugglies,
M

PS: Even an ant could not get lost on the miniature lawn I have now in my new place so it will be rather difficult for Sheddie to get lost there! My lawn is now the size of the average UK lawn!

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Mariana, nope, I haven't heard from Sheddie as of yet, but one tip to pass on if you'd be so kind is to make sure that in his IE property/privacy settings, that he 'allows' our URL. http://forums.mosaicmusings.net

If he uses AOL, I'd suggest that he NOT use it as they've made recent changes. Another good browser is Firefox (freebie) which I use myself. One other tip is make sure he has 'java' installed on his pc.

I've seen some people not access the forum until they change their security settings on their pc's. Unfortunately, I have no control over that....

Cheers
~Cleo

[Mistral]

Thanks Cleo, I'll pass the message on!
Hugs,
M

[Mary Boren]

Misty,

Golly, how many poems can you workshop at once, girl? You are either very prolific or you're marching in your entire repertoire on alternating days. I'm not going to be able to keep up with that pace.

That said, I enjoyed this one. You've got a line that's a beat short:

but all I get is silence and

This is trimeter, not tetrameter like the rest.

Mary

[Mistral]

Dear Mary,

Thanks once again.....and I am now placing my poems further apart! *grin*

Okay, I think I need some help here as I don't quite know how to fix the problem. Do you think it would work if I changed the last 2 lines of that stanza as follows:

but all I get is silence
and apathy from the floor.

Yes? No? Other suggestions?

Hugs,
M