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Sep 27 10, 16:09
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 1,547
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia
Member No.: 13
Real Name: Daniah
Writer of: Poetry
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"Seize!"
"Quiet down!"
"Release me!"
My body vibrates these chants with each passing fortnight.
Nocturnal- ceaseless- pin pricking numbs humane reactions.
Imaginary Choruses of raging waves ravish my days and nights.
Weakly twisting between soaked sheets, my tears are embraced by drought.
Morning light stings swollen reddened orbs, filtered through UV protective lenses.
Pill box flaps heavily in my pocket, with timers buzzing each ones' turn.
"Seize!" My shuffling feet resonate my pleas, as each full moon rises then falls.
I know this needs a lot of work but this is my first attempt at writing for months... Hope to get your feedback.
Dani
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Sep 29 10, 00:08
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 9,313
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
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Hey Dani! This is impressive and I'm so glad you've written a poem after a troubled "drought". Maybe it needs some clipping but at first reading I think it's spectacular. Sometimes -not always- a crisis brings on creativity.
I'll return here because now it's 2 a.m. and I want to post my own first new poem after a long interval. I'm also having big troubles, but won't go into the details now. I had to postpone a short holiday because of an accident to my grandsons' father (my ex son-in-law).
So... let's write what we can, hey Dani!
Hugs & love, Syl***
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Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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Oct 1 10, 13:29
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Hi Dani
This is brilliant - and I think Syl is right that it just needs a little trim. Some suggestions:"Seize!" "Quiet down!" "Release me!" Personally, I'd write these in italics - not speech marks.Seize!
Quiet down!
Release me!My body vibrates these chants [with each passing fortnight]. perhaps: as time passes Nocturnal- ceaseless- pin pricking numbs humane reactions. Imaginary Choruses of raging waves ravish my days and nights. Weakly twisting between soaked sheets, my tears are embraced by drought. Morning light stings swollen reddened orbs, filtered through UV protective lenses. Pill box flaps heavily in my pocket, with timers buzzing each ones' turn. Seize!My shuffling feet resonate my pleas, as each full moon rises then falls. If you decide to go with the italics, then include this one
Reading throught this again, I cannot think of anything to change - I find it well written and thought out. I will come back to it, but you have done well with this.
Hugs Snow
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Oct 2 10, 14:01
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 1,547
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia
Member No.: 13
Real Name: Daniah
Writer of: Poetry
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Dearest Syl,
Thanks so much for the lovely comments and yes this does need some trimming. I guess this is half of my cure and am sure you understand it well.
Hope to get your feedback when you have time.
Hugs and love
Dani
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Oct 2 10, 14:06
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 1,547
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia
Member No.: 13
Real Name: Daniah
Writer of: Poetry
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Dearest Eira,
I am so grateful for the help you have offered so far and will take your suggestions. I hope that I have relayed the image of this incessant torture well and would love if you anything else to offer..
Thanks so much honey
Love and hugs
Dani
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Oct 26 10, 16:41
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 9,313
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
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Hi dear Dani,
I've been away a long time due to a personal tragedy in our family, but here I am, back to read your quite special poem again. I see that Snow has already given you good suggestions, I do hope you'll return soon in better health. Here go some questions & comments, to toss or take, dear Dani:QUOTE (Siren @ Sep 28 10, 00:09 ) "Seize!" <<<<<<<< I'm unsure whether you mean 'cease' rather than 'seize'. I know that you're referring to epileptic seizures that torment the writer, but here in this context it would seem that the torment must terminate, stop.
"Quiet down!" <<<<<it would be interesting to have these 3 pleas for liberation in italics, as Snow suggests. Without inverted commas.
"Release me!"
My body vibrates these chants <<<<< 'sorrowful or plaintive chants'? Some such adj.?
with each passing fortnight.
Nocturnal- ceaseless- pin pricking numbs humane reactions.
Perhaps: 'Nocturnal pin-pricking seizures numb humane reactions'? Here the reader is introduced to the real suffering, altho' I understand the seizures can be at any time of day.
Imaginary Choruses of raging waves <<<<I don't think you need to Cap choruses.
ravish my days and nights.
Weakly twisting between soaked sheets, my tears are embraced by drought. <<<<Very good!
Morning light stings swollen reddened orbs, filtered through UV protective lenses.<<<< Brilliant!
Pill box flaps heavily in my pocket, with timers buzzing each ones' turn. <<<<<< Harsh reality with simple vocabulary, excellent!
"Seize!" My shuffling feet resonate my pleas, as each full moon rises then falls. <<<<<< Sensational finale, Dani!
I know this needs a lot of work but this is my first attempt at writing for months... Hope to get your feedback. <<<< Impressive comeback!
Dani I think your poem excels, Dani. I just have this problem with your use of the word 'seize' which means to grab, carpe diem, seize the day! Maybe you could explain, as I'm sure I'm pretty dense these days... Many hugs & I wish you peace & love, Syl***
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Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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