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> Minstrel’s Song ** REVISED w/ AUDIO link to youtube, A poem read by Lynda Lu (wife)
Ali zonak
post Jul 2 17, 10:31
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Minstrel's Song, revised version (my thanks to you all. Larry, I was delighted at your suggestions and made changes--as far as my grandfather's stupid (lol) Danish pride would allow. I don't mind the occasional trochee mixed in with Iambs; it breaks up the monotony. Daniel, "into" has the accent on "in--" according to my Meriam Webster, but thank you, my good friend. Thank you all for reading and commenting.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKv-FU2nnnA

Minstrels Song, 1st revised Version

One morning, in the month of June,
young Summer called me to my door;
he greeted me that early day
and bade me walk through field and moor.

I gazed at trees and greening floor,
soon broke some fragrant heather bloom,
then wove all into one fine wreath
enhanced with a long grouse’s plume.

Behold, the lady of my dreams
walked through the clover wet with dew;
in envy sunlight lost its sheen,
the sky gave up its lapis blue.

Gentle zephyrs, Cupid’s playmates,
caressed the beauty’s flax-gold hair—
I paused to ponder whether I
might kiss this face so young and fair.

She smiled, as if without a care,
and as she gracefully knelt down,
I placed upon her lips a kiss,
and on her brow my floral crown.

A grouse stirred from her nest of grass,
flew forth with loud and drumming sound;
I woke up from my wistful dream—
just heather blossoms I had found.


Minstrel’s Song ** ORGINAL VERSION

Oh, shoot--lost in my dream, now I deleted the darn thing! charliebrown.gif


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JustDaniel
post Jul 2 17, 19:58
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Dear Ali

This is a fine and engaging piece of well-metered and flowing rhyme, expertly rhyming the b/d lines consistently throughout the poem. I really like this...

and I wonder if you could tell us a bit more about your wife's upcoming reading... and perhaps offer us a link or some way to view it ourselves! I not that there is a RAFT of Lucy Lu's on YouTube, so I don't know if any of them posting there is your Lucy!

Back to the poem, you very well varied the meter of the poem in several places. To me there were two places in successive lines that cause me to stumble:

then wove all into a fine wreath
enhanced with a long grouse’s plume.


The normal accents seem to fall on the wrong syllables for a natural reading of those lines.

Again, the flow of this piece is exceptional to my ear, except only for those two lines.

deLighting in reading your metrical verse, my friend, Daniel sun.gif


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Ali zonak
post Jul 2 17, 20:57
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QUOTE (JustDaniel @ Jul 2 17, 20:58 ) *
Dear Ali

This is a fine and engaging piece of well-metered and flowing rhyme, expertly rhyming the b/d lines consistently throughout the poem. I really like this...

and I wonder if you could tell us a bit more about your wife's upcoming reading... and perhaps offer us a link or some way to view it ourselves! I not that there is a RAFT of Lucy Lu's on YouTube, so I don't know if any of them posting there is your Lucy!

Back to the poem, you very well varied the meter of the poem in several places. To me there were two places in successive lines that cause me to stumble:

then wove all into a fine wreath
enhanced with a long grouse’s plume.


The normal accents seem to fall on the wrong syllables for a natural reading of those lines.

Again, the flow of this piece is exceptional to my ear, except only for those two lines.

deLighting in reading your metrical verse, my friend, Daniel sun.gif



Thanks, Daniel,
yes, I realize that, in order to maintain the flow, I placed the accents on two weak vowels, namely the "a's." I may rewrite those lines before Lynda Lu reads this poem. Meanwhile, if you click on this link you will hear a couple cute poems read by her. https://www.jerrykspoetry.com/hear-my-poems/ There's no charge, lol. I'll need to comment on your poems tomorrow morning as I'm out of time. Thank you, my friend,
Ali


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Eisa
post Jul 4 17, 17:16
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Hi Ali,

It's good to see you in this forum too!

I can only agree with all Daniel's observations and when you have revised, let us know so we can listen to it on YouTube.

Eira


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Ali zonak
post Jul 4 17, 17:26
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QUOTE (Eisa @ Jul 4 17, 17:16 ) *
Hi Ali,

It's good to see you in this forum too!

I can only agree with all Daniel's observations and when you have revised, let us know so we can listen to it on YouTube.

Eira



Hi, dear Eira;
I wouldn't want to miss the chance of being here. Yes, I'll keep you posted. Thank you very much! rollerskater.gif Ali


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It is a poem’s absolute perfection that can lead to its imperfection.
~~~~
 
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Larry
post Jul 4 17, 20:25
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Hi Ali,

Not sure how much critique to offer and in what genre; whether metrical, rhyme scheme, etc. I love your little dreamy ballad and the progression in your rhymes but am a bit confused with the slight variance of that in S2. It is, for the most part, written in iambic tetrameter except for S4-L1/2 which are trochaic with L2 also having a spondee ending. Below, I’ve parsed each line as far as rhyme scheme, meter and a few word/phrase changes; some due to redundant usage. I noticed Daniel has already been here with a few ideas. Sorry, I’ve been working on this for the last two days and just finished it as the fireworks are starting to boom all around the neighborhood. Forgive my tardiness.
As always, these are only suggestions and observations; you may take or toss any or all of them.

Larry


Minstrel’s Song **

a One morning (dawning), in the month of June,
b young Summer pounded on my door; (not sure about “pounded”)
c he greeted me that early day(morn)
b and bade me walk through field and moor.

b I gazed at trees and greening floor,
d soon broke some fragrant heather bloom,
e then wove all into a fine wreath
d enhanced with a long grouse’s plume.

f Behold, the lady of my dream
g walked through the early morning(gorse still wet with) dew;
(used “early day” in S1/L3)

h in envy sunlight lost its sheen,
g the sky gave up its lapis blue.

i Gentle zephyrs, Cupid’s playmates, (trochaic line)
(perhaps: The gentle zephyrs, Cupid’s mates,) brings it back to Iambic tetrameter.
j tossed the beauty’s flax-gold hair—(trochaic start ending with a spondee – ½ foot short)
(substitute “teased” for “tossed” – not sure how a gentle zephyr can toss anything)

(perhaps: now teased the beauty’s flax-gold hair – still ending with a spondee for emphasis?)
k I sat and wondered whether I
j might kiss this face so young and fair.

l She smiled, as if without a care,
m and as she gracefully bowed (knelt) down,
n I placed upon her lips a kiss,
m and on her head my flower (floral) crown.

o A grouse stirred from her nest of grass,
p flew forth with loud and drumming sound;
q I woke up from my wistful dream—
p just heather blossoms I had found.


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When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy



Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers.
Larry D. Jennings

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Ali zonak
post Jul 4 17, 21:42
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QUOTE (Larry @ Jul 4 17, 21:25 ) *
Hi Ali,

Not sure how much critique to offer and in what genre; whether metrical, rhyme scheme, etc. I love your little dreamy ballad and the progression in your rhymes but am a bit confused with the slight variance of that in S2. It is, for the most part, written in iambic tetrameter except for S4-L1/2 which are trochaic with L2 also having a spondee ending. Below, I’ve parsed each line as far as rhyme scheme, meter and a few word/phrase changes; some due to redundant usage. I noticed Daniel has already been here with a few ideas. Sorry, I’ve been working on this for the last two days and just finished it as the fireworks are starting to boom all around the neighborhood. Forgive my tardiness.
As always, these are only suggestions and observations; you may take or toss any or all of them.

Larry


Minstrel’s Song **

a One morning (dawning), in the month of June,
b young Summer pounded on my door; (not sure about “pounded”)
c he greeted me that early day(morn)
b and bade me walk through field and moor.

b I gazed at trees and greening floor,
d soon broke some fragrant heather bloom,
e then wove all into a fine wreath
d enhanced with a long grouse’s plume.

f Behold, the lady of my dream
g walked through the early morning(gorse still wet with) dew;
(used “early day” in S1/L3)

h in envy sunlight lost its sheen,
g the sky gave up its lapis blue.

i Gentle zephyrs, Cupid’s playmates, (trochaic line)
(perhaps: The gentle zephyrs, Cupid’s mates,) brings it back to Iambic tetrameter.
j tossed the beauty’s flax-gold hair—(trochaic start ending with a spondee – ½ foot short)
(substitute “teased” for “tossed” – not sure how a gentle zephyr can toss anything)

(perhaps: now teased the beauty’s flax-gold hair – still ending with a spondee for emphasis?)
k I sat and wondered whether I
j might kiss this face so young and fair.

l She smiled, as if without a care,
m and as she gracefully bowed (knelt) down,
n I placed upon her lips a kiss,
m and on her head my flower (floral) crown.

o A grouse stirred from her nest of grass,
p flew forth with loud and drumming sound;
q I woke up from my wistful dream—
p just heather blossoms I had found.



Hi, there Larry;
I appreciate your suggestions and the time you spent to offer your valuable advice. Some of your suggestions make so much sense, and while I tried to adhere to simple words in the spirit of a 15th Century minstrel, I'm wide open to some of the more elegant ones that you suggested. I have abandoned total adherence to pure iambic or trochaic patterns for the simple reason that I prefer to interchange one with another, which is permissible according to me ancient "Wood's New World Rhyming Dictionary" that is no longer in print.) Quote: "We have already seen that flawlessness is a fault in metric poetry. Many variations are commonly allowed in metric verse. Iambs and Trochees are interchangeable, and a Pyrrhic or Spondee may be used for either, etc." Therefore, certain "rules" are not carved in stone, lol. Overall, yes, I will go over your suggestions before my wife reads this poem on youtube. Thanks very much, Larry. Always good to have another opinion, and I sure appreciate yours, and your time. mickeymouse.gif Ali


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It is a poem’s absolute perfection that can lead to its imperfection.
~~~~
 
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