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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun's Psalms _ Quiet
Posted by: ace Jul 8 09, 17:42
Been critiquing the haikus and sewnuru's of others...so felt I should give everyone a shot at one of mine:
The morning despairs...
silence across the table...
a still death of love.
ace
Posted by: Marc-Andre Germain Jul 8 09, 21:56
Hi Ace,
You've captured a moment, and it's fairly well-executed. I've got a few nits though. The first one is easy to fix: haiku are untitled poems.
You've got the Japanese syllable-count right, but 5-7-5 is not necessarily desirable when written in the English language. As in Japanese, they should be written with an economy of words; for example, I'd remove the article "the" in L1 and simply have "morning despairs", even though it only has four syllables.
Also, I believe haiku should be written with concrete visuals and actions: "despair", "death" and "love" are rather abstract, and I think they tell a lot more than they show. A well-executed juxtaposition of two images should be enough for the reader to get your message.
Here are two quick reworks, not necessarily stellar, just to give you an idea. (I've removed "morning" as I think the cereal box makes the time of day clear enough.)
silence -
a Corn Flakes box
splits the table
bread and jam
shadowed by
the morning papers
I hope this help.
Mark
The morning despairs;
silence across the table;
a still death of love.
ace
Posted by: prerna bala Jul 22 09, 05:30
yeah, i think the haiku of yours captures the moment, but show us rather then tell us.
how would one feel despair, how would the haiku poet present it to the reader? i am curious how you would express that, and the sound of the silence, this is a real creative challenge for you, wow the sound of silence can be really expressed in such creative ways!
rather impatient to read your revise
good luck
Posted by: Arnfinn Jul 27 09, 07:56
G'day, Mate.
The morning despairs; >>> Yep! Like this
silence across the table; >>> Yep! Like this
a still death of love. >>> Hmm... Perhaps, more subtle. 'fills ears with failure' or something similar.
Nice setiments.
John
Posted by: alice Jul 28 09, 09:20
Hi Ace,
I believe haiku is a very visual art form that allows the reader to feel a certain emotion because of the picture the ku is giving. On reading it the reader then can say aha I can see, feel that. If one thinks about the fragment and phrase of a haiku eg.
morning
across the table
eyes full of rain
here without mentioning an emotion the reader then makes their own interpretation. For such a short form, I think there are more rules for haiku than any other :(
big sighs here
I did enjoy you ku and it certainly started my brain working overtime..haven't written one for ages..
take care
Alice
Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jul 28 09, 20:00
Hi Ace,
I'm still trying to learn these short forms, and I'd like to offer a suggestion for you to ponder. I wonder if you might consider finding replacement words for despairs in L1, silence in L2 and death in L3? The reason I mention it is because as a reader, I think the 'aha' moment would appeal to me more so if I wasn't told in such an abstract way of the despair happening in this snapshot of life. Since a season isn't referenced, i would say this is a Senyru, especially since it's about 'people' so the seasonal aspect isn't necessary (I think).
Maybe if you described despair in your first few words, ridding 'the', the rest will come? What about the morning can be a key symbol to attach the despair to? Some habit, like brewing coffee? And the silence? Perhaps the person is staring at an empty chair?
Be back again,
Cheers
~Cleo
Posted by: Psyche Jul 31 09, 22:31
Hi ace!
How strange it is that different lines appeal to different people. Personally, I find your Senryu highly striking. It certainly makes one think. It's so sad...maybe somebody died and it's the first breakfast without that person? Silence can be so loud...
Keep 'em coming!
Syl***
The morning despairs;
silence across the table;
a still death of love.
ace
Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Aug 1 09, 07:28
Hi Ace,
The problem with senryus is that what's one person's klunker is another's Stingray. Personally I like everything except the punctuation. You've a light touch and subtle message. Why spoil it with such sophisticated punctuation as semi-colons. I'd use dashes. More casual. Lighter. As for the wording, I love it!!!
Peggy
Posted by: Psyche Aug 1 09, 13:00
I absolutely agree with Peggy about the punctuation. Those semi-colons spoil the effect.
I've been reading up about Haiku, etc., and nowadays we have "free form haiku", which is being used a lot. But it's perfectly all right to stick to tradition. 5-7-5 was actually introduced long ago by a Japanese poet to the English language. But in Japan the Haiku was/is written on a single line...!
So if we have FV haiku, then the content should also be free, methinks. Punctuation is an aesthetic issue, and I agree with Peggy all the way!
Syl***
Posted by: ace Aug 1 09, 16:35
Peggy * Syl:
You are both completely correct. What's worse for an old English teacher...they aren't even used correctly. Thanks for the read and the comments.
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