Taste My Words, I am still working on this Options

[Cyn]

Taste My Words  - revision (still a work in progress)

Why do I sit
here in the dark,
with needling thoughts;
knit a scratchy yarn
into some sad story that I can don,
pull over my head, arm by arm?

It is not as if you care
that I lost a child,
was molested by my grandfather,
feel pain - more than I want,
want joy more than I feel.

I’m not sure why
you stop and stoop
to taste my words;
so raw, undone, boiled over
like pasta in a pot, blown-off top;
spattered, splattered, sweet
and sour on a wooden spoon.

Do they seem like some wild child
you long to hold, to tame bold locks,
pick out the burrs and make presentable;
or make you thankful you’re not me,
offer reverie, touch a part of you,
you let no one see?

© Cynthia Neely


Taste My Words

Why do I sit here
in the dark, with needle thoughts
that knit -- a scratchy yarn
into some sad story that I can don,
arm by arm, pull over my head?

It is not as if you care
that I lost a child,
was molested by my grandfather,
feel pain more than I want,
want joy more than I feel.

I’m not sure why
you stop to stoop and taste my words;
so raw, undone, boiled over
like pasta in a pot, blown-off top; sweet,
and sour on a wooden spoon.

Do they seem like some wild child to you,
you long to hold, tame bold locks,
pick burrs out and make presentable?
Do they make you thankful you’re not me,
offer reverie, touch a part of you,
you let no one see?



© Cynthia Neely


Suggestion on if this should be basically left here and tightened up or if it needs to be fleshed out more. thanks

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Cyn

This poem leaves something of a bitter aftertaste to the reader.  Definitely not comfortable reading.

A few thoughts for you to consider, probably too drastic for you but I thought I'd mention anyway.  Feel free to reject them all.

[add] {delete} comment

Taste My Words

Why do I sit here
in the dark, with needle thoughts
that knit -- a scratchy yarn,  .... a great idea for a metaphor but perhaps "a scratchy garment"  and I wonder if you need to say "some sad story".
{some sad story }that I can don,
arm by arm, pull over head?  ...do you intend the pun on pull over? and do you really need this line?

Probably cutting too much for your liking but seems more powerful like this:

Why do I sit here
in the dark with needle thoughts
that knit --a scratchy garment
I can don.

It is not as if you care ...Just a thought...this feels quite judgemental.  Are you certain that the person doesn't care or would you be better asking the question "Do you care?"
that I lost a child,
was molested by my grandfather,
feel pain more than I want,
want joy more than I feel.  ....good last two lines

I’m not sure why
you {stop to} stoop {and}[to] taste my words;
so raw, undone, boiled over
like pasta in a pot{, blown-off top}; sweet, ..blown-off top doesn't quite fit with the pasta image.
and sour on a wooden spoon.  ..I like the sweet and sour notion.

Do they seem like some wild child to you,
you long to hold, tame {down bold locks},
pick burrs out and make presentable?
Do they make you thankful you’re not me{,}[;]
touch a part of you, you let no one see?

Do they offer reverie?  ..I think the previous line is a more powerful ending, perhaps hitting a truth, I'd rearrange the last verse as:

Do they seem like some wild child to you,
you long to hold, tame,
pick burrs out and make presentable?
Do they make you thankful you’re not me,
offer reverie;
touch a part of you, you let no one see?

Nina

[Cyn]

Thanks Nina
good suggestions

sorry it leaves a bitter taste.

It is about writing, why do we write, why do we think anything we say about ourselves anyone out there would really "care" about. It is not accusatory but a question about writing. Why do we do it, it not like anyone really cares, yet we still do write, and hopefully people still read because of how it makes them feel.

Yarn refers to story - tall tale, it may be a colloquialism you don't have in the UK

I am knitting a story in my writing that I can wear. And yes I did mean to refer to actually pulling the wool over my eyes (must be a hold over from my black sheep poem LOL) It looks like the my got left out, it was supposed to be my head.

I love your line swap ending suggestion.

But I guess the poem does not ask or answer the questions I thought it did.
:(

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Cyn

We do have yarn meaning tale but I think for that to work in this poem you'd need to word it thus:

a scratchy yarn to knit
into some sad story

When I said the pun in pull over, I wonder if the word pullover is used in US.  Over here it is another word for jumper.

I can see now how it is questioning about writing but I think using the word "you" is what makes it feel more accusatory rather than philosphical.

Nina

[Cyn]

OK great suggestion for the knitting metaphor.

Let me think if I can find a way to say reader without saying you (or you the reader) I am not sure if it bothers me all that much if it sounds accusatory, as long as you all understnd this is not about YOU readers, but a larger readership, a readership of poems in general. I had never considered that it might be taken personally and hope it was not. You are not saying that are you?

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Cyn

No, I didn't take it personally.  It may just be me others may not agree but it did feel as if you were writing with a specific person in mind, venting perhaps.

Nina

[Cyn]

Nope no one in mind, this is general. I am at the point of questioning why we - or at least  I -  continue to write, and why would anyone want to read it.

[Peterpan]

Nope no one in mind, this is general. I am at the point of questioning why we - or at least  I -  continue to write, and why would anyone want to read it.

Please keep writing, Cyn! Your style is amazing!!!! I will read all of it! Sad and Happy!

PP

[Cyn]

PP
What a very nice thing to say!!! You made my day.

Still I know this one needs a little work to get my idea across better. I am happy you understood it.
Cyn

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Cyn,

No I don't think this needs "fleshing out" any more and, as you don't like losing a chatty element, I wouldn't generally suggest reducing it either. (though I like Nina's suggestions).

It does sound as if you are digging at someone but I think you could easily sort that out. For example, you could change the title...

"Taste My Words" could become "Taste My Words, Dear Reader..." (The "dear" being ironic, of course.) I'm sure there are other slight changed to the title that would do just as well - but that would save you having to alter chunks of the poem for a similar effect, should you want that.

Thanks for the read, J.

[JLY]

Cyn,
This is powerful and by all means you need to continue to share your deepest thoughts, ideas and literary images with your readership.

I particularly liked the form that you created....ending with questions. The questions you posed draws in the reader and makes each of us look at ourselves in a different way. This was a good technique in that you are pulling the reader into this fabric that you have carefully created.

JLY

[Cyn]

Thanks all for your insights on this. James good point about the title doing some explaining. I am still revising. Will post when I think it is in a better place. Thanks so much for helping me with this one.