The Hunter, R&M Options

[heartsong7]

The Hunter...revised....additional line changes are *

As thunder rumbles in foreboding skies,
she sniffs the air
and perks her ears to listen for the cries
that echo there
to tell her man is not so far away
as he meanders looking for a stray.
Follow the man
becomes her plan;
for he will lead her to the prey.

She knows that she must never come too near.
Confronting him
could make her face her constant gnawing fear
that at his whim
his thunderstick could surely strike her dead
and leave her cubs alone-- a mother's dread.*
Beyond the squalls,*
a heifer bawls;
the lion purrs and turns her head.

As lightning lights the sky, a frightened form
attracts her eye.
She senses danger in the looming storm
and darkened sky.
The man deserts the stray and hurries on
and she is free to hunt until the dawn.*
Then as they eat*
the precious meat,
the threatening storm clouds have all gone.*

SEE




The Hunter...w/ line change*

As thunder rumbles in foreboding skies,
she sniffs the air
and perks her ears to listen for the cries
that echo there
to tell her man is not so far away
as he meanders looking for a stray.
Follow the man
became her plan;
for he will lead her to the prey.

She knows that she must never come too near.
Confronting him
could make her face a constant gnawing fear*
that at his whim
his thunderstick could surely strike her dead
and leave her cubs alone. Such is her dread.
A wayward sheep
begins to bleet;
she softly purrs and turns her head.

As lightning lights the sky, a frightened form
attracts her eye.
She senses danger in the looming storm
and darkened sky.
The man has gone and left behind the stray.
Her cubs and she will feast well, yet today
and as they eat
this precious meat,
the angry storm clouds roll away.

SEE

[Guest_Taita_*]

Hey, Sue.

Well....what form of poem is that? The rhyme scheme was new to me and I actually read this last night a couple of times & didn't like it (the rhyme scheme) But today with a break and a little practise it seems like it's a lot smoother...so it could be just me. I still don't know that it's a great form for telling a story.

As thunder rumbles in foreboding skies, = great line...pulled me in.
she sniffs the air = ditto
and perks her ears to listen for the cries = ditto
that echo there =ditto
to tell her man is not so far away
as he meanders looking for a stray. = stray what?
Follow the man
became her plan;
for he will lead her to the prey. = tense confuses me.

She knows that she must never come too near.
Confronting him = good imagery & reality there.
could make her face her one and only fear = A wild animal with only one fear would soon be a dead one
that at his whim
his thunderstick could surely strike her dead = cool
and leave her cubs alone. Such is her dread. = tense confusion again
A wayward steer
bawls very near;
she softly purrs and turns her head. = great line, crafty cat!

As lightning lights the sky, a frightened form
attracts her eye.
She senses danger in the looming storm
and darkened sky.
The man has gone and left behind the stray.
Her cubs and she may feast well yet today =? may yet feast well?
and as they eat = the line above says may & here they are feasting.
this precious meat,
the angry storm clouds roll away.

Hope you can make sense of that. I'd like to know more about the form.

Good story that will do well with a little honing.

Seeya, Sue.
Daniel.

[heartsong7]

Hi Daniel...This one is definately an unusual form. It was presented as a challenge some time ago and I have lost my write-up on its origins. It is a specific form with params of
A in Iambic pentameter
B in iambic dimeter
A in IP
B in ID
C in IP
C in IP
D in ID
D in ID
C in Iambic tetrameter

and so on for one or more stanzas.
It was a good exercise. I was hoping someone might know the form...I don't know where to begin to look as I have not been able to locate on google.

I like your style of line by line.  :pharoah2
Re: 'stray' as a noun is a person or thing that strays...in this case a steer. I'm so used to 'stray' automatically meaning  wayward livestock that I didn't even think others might not recognize the intent.

re:

A wild animal with only one fear would soon be a dead one

Good point...though the mountain lion's greatest enemy is man.
How about
could make her face her constant gnawing fear

As to the tense question...I will have another look there. I intend the tense to vary somewhat as in....I thought I could, I tried it and  found I can do it if I will  simply persist.

Thanks for the thorough once-over.
Well done.

Seeya,
Sue

[heartsong7]

Hi, I'm back...I just looked over this again and see that I've skewed the rhyme scheme in S2...I did a temp. fix... sheep/bleet instead of steer/near....but will work further later. This has not been workshopped and though it was praised by the challenger, I doubt he gave it much scrutiny.
I appreciate yours and the nudge it gave me to work on this one further.  :read:

Sue

[Guest_Taita_*]

Hey again, Sue.

Looks like a challenging form for sure.

I guess I worded the part about 'strays' rather clumsily. I immediately assumed he was looking for a cattlebeast.  What I want to know is what are you calling the 'he' in the poem.  If you make him a rancher or a cowboy   I just think little bits of info like that help with the imagery of the story.  When it's added then I can see all the landscapes of those cowboy movies vividly and without it's more about the story. Where you can I think it would be great to have both.

The line suggestion is good. Ever-present might be considered cliche encroaching maybe....but the revision is an improvement.

I still think there's a problem with may feast being followed by feasting:oops:

Quit thanking me already   It's a great way to learn myself and I'm really surprised by how much enjoyment I'm taking from swapping thoughts like this. It's goodstuff.

Daniel.

[heartsong7]

I won't quit with the thank-you's, because I'm so pleased to get some real critique on poems other than sonnets....and you are so willing to share the give and take of true workshopping. That's rare, you know.  :cheer:

I'll try to contain myself  :speechless:

re he...I see what your saying but I was trying to 'see' through the eyes of the lion who just sees a man.

I changed 'may' to 'will'

also in the fear line it's now...constant gnawing fear

I need to work on the sheep/ bleet lines.

Seeya,
Sue

[Guest_Taita_*]

Hey U

Good revisions and point about seeing through the eyes of the ML. I Forget how you phrased it but I actually really liked the part where the cattlebeast made the noise...not gonna try and spell it lol.

[heartsong7]

Hey yourself.  :wave:

I just posted the complete revision and thanks to your nudges, I even found a couple of lines that were repeating an already used rhyme.
I appreciate all comments.  :tut:

Seeya,
Sue

[Guest_Taita_*]

Well...you are gonna kick me for saying this but.....my mum always says "hey yourself" when i say "hey" What's up with that?

Now. I'm gonna put my thug foot down  :StarWars2: and tell you that in the opening stanza you are showing V telling so when I come to the final 3 lines of that stanza & the angle or narration (?) in the poem changes I 100% believe that if you said....

Follow the man
*becomes* her plan;
for he will lead her to the prey.

or

Follow the man                                        
became her plan;
for he would her to the prey.

it would come across more naturally and in the right tense. Of these options the top one is my best.

Stanza 2

"Such is her dread.
Midst stormy squalls"

The phrase 'such is her dread'  seems out of place somehow...a little too formal maybe or dare I say it archaic, compared to the tone and language in the rest of the piece. Midst is as above but moreso and that's because you usually see it in formal writing or from shakespeare wannabes like me.

Good to see that heifer bawl again

Final stanza is a great improvement for me except for the last line. In the other version I liked that the storm clouds rolled away...it was a nice way of saying they all lived happily ever after without ever saying it. I realize you had to change your line there but now it's too cliche/happily ever after imo.

You are doing good things with this good thing.

Take or toss

Seeya Sue,
Daniel.  :detective:  :upside:

[heartsong7]

Hi Daniel...

my mum always says "hey yourself" when i say "hey" What's up with that?

Around here, when someone says Hey U, we reply with Hey Yourself.  

I think you are quite right about...
Follow the man
*becomes* her plan;
for he will lead her to the prey.

now that I see exactly what you meant by tense change. Excellent call there and I appreciate it.

re:
"Such is her dread.
Midst stormy squalls"

I don't think of these as formal or archaic wordings, myself....but not intending to have such a tone, I will look for suitable subs.

I agree about the last line...I much prefer the strom clouds rolling away and will work on something less 'sweet' than what I have now.


Seeya,
Sue

[heartsong7]

I put on my thinking cap and came up with a few more fixes for those questionable lines. They are posted in the current revision.
Thanks,
Sue

[Guest_Taita_*]

 Hi, Sue.

I'd like to tell you that this fairly dances along now. I do think your line revisions give strength to the poem.

I'd like to see you re-work the final 3 lines now.  It seems to happen too fast....it's your poem of course but I liked the thought that while they ate...which is vital to their survival, the threat of the storm was something that  they put out of their minds because of the need to eat......food for thought maybe or not.

It's looking good to me. Great story that ebbs and FLOWS nicely.

seeya,
Daniel.

[heartsong7]

I like the term 'cattlebeast'...Is that what you call beef cattle in New Zealand?
I thought I might try this:
Then as they feast,
on cattlebeast,
the threatening storms are gone.  :dance:

Seeya,
Sue

[Guest_Taita_*]

It sure is , Sue. Actually we've got a bunch of names for them but that's a common "on the farm" type of reference.

Sounds good enough to me, Sue.  

I don't think I can help you much more on this....but if someone comes in and starts tearing up the lawn I'll be back ...No, it'll be good if someone else offers there perspective.

Good luck & goodstuff.

Daniel.

[heartsong7]

Don't want to keep hogging your time...just one more quick question. Are there mountain lions in New Zealand and if so, do they pose a threat to cattle?

Sue

[Guest_Taita_*]

I've got nothing but time for you, Sue.

No...we have ferrets though...NZ's an isolated place and we have 1 poisonous insect species  in the whole country...that's about as bad as it gets. I know they say cattle beast in Aussie....no mountain lions there either.  I'm pretty sure that phrase would be used to varying degrees here in the states and the world-over.

Hope that helps.

Daniel.