Crows (REVISION 11 May 2008), Wizard Award Options

[Eisa]

. . .




I decided this was too prose like and have tried to make it more poetic & show rather than tell. I hope the changes work!!

I have just been reminded that one term for a group of crows is 'murder of crows' -- which ties in nicely!

Crows (latest REVISION 11th May 2008)

Their ruckus startles --
I watch them flock across the sky;
black inkblots splattering
blue embossed paper.

The murder flurries to the lawn:
wings beating
beaks stab,
piercing shrieks. I wince.
The dog leaps from a nap, yapping,
hurries to scatter them.
They surge to poplar arms;
Kraa-kraa-kraa's merge in protest.

Silence

Roses scent the air--
my pooch noses a pigeon
lying prostrate in the uncut grass;
still alive, bloodied neck - pecked.
Will it survive? I hotfoot for my mobile.

An avian ambulance arrives,
collects the listless victim
in a crisp box stretcher;
the rescuer warns, the next hours
before dawn is crucial.

Radio One Lunch-time News:
A gang’s frenzied attack
leaves a lone passer-by
with critical injuries
in Intensive Care.

kraa-kraa-kraa
Crows taunt from a sycamore --
wood pigeons perch in a wing-to-wing line,
prattling on next-door’s roof.
ru-hoo ru ru-hoo



Lines I have tweaked were -

black inkblots splattered
on blue embossed paper.

The mob flurries to the lawn:

they surge to poplar arms.
Kraa-kraa-kraa; their protest.

Roses scent the air, where

its bloodied neck was pecked.
Can it survive? I hotfoot for my mobile.

the rescuer warns, that time
before dawn is crucial.
--------------------------------------------


Crows - (original)

Startled by the ruckus
I watch them flock across the sky,
like black inkblots splattered
on blue embossed paper.

Flurrying to the lawn,
their kraa-kraa-kraa
penetrates. I wince.
The dog charges, scattering
the mob that surges to the trees,
chattering in protest.

Silence.

My dog nose-nudges a pigeon
in the grass; still alive
its neck is pecked and bloody.
I hotfoot for my mobile.

The Bird Sanctuary official
hurries the victim off to base
in a cardboard box.
The next 24 hours are crucial.

Radio One Lunch-time News:
A gang’s frenzied attack
leaves a lone passer-by
with critical injuries
in the Intensive Care Unit.

kraa-kraa-kraa
Crows taunt from a nearby sycamore --
wood pigeons perch in a wing-to-wing line,
prattling on next-door’s roof.
ru-hoo ru ru-hoo


Lines I have changed
First lines were
Screeches surprise me;
they flock across the sky

L9 was
the mob who surge to the trees,

[Alan]

Dear Snow,

Somehow this seems kin to what I just wrote. Love it, have some thoughts, but they must wait til later ....

Love
Alan

[Alan]

Dear Snow,

I was going to detail every suggested change, but lost it somewhere - if youlike at all what I have done, set the two side by side to see where I suggest changes, then adopt, adapt, or chuck !

Mainly i have tightened it, but that may not suit your purpose ? Good story well told, I was living it.

Love
Alan

So sorry, my detailed crit did not get included here, and I did not keep a copy.

[Merlin]

Hello Eisa,

I decided to jump in here be-caws >>

the opening word, "Screeches" isn't what I normally attribute to crows. Owls, yes. I'd suggest a better word for the blackies - ballyhoo, ruckus, racket, hubbub, or any number of others.

In V2, methinks there's a wee grammatickle thing >>
The dog charges, scattering
the mob who surge to the trees,

where "the mob" is a singular thing (made up of many) that should be followed by a singular verb, "surges". The mob surges. Since it isn't really a mob of people, "who" isn't the best fella there, I'd suggest "that." The mob that surges onward, cries, "B-Caws, B-Caws."

My best to the fallen dove.

There Tis

Merlin

[Guest_Dave_Shedman_*]

Being a bird lover myself, this appealed to me straight away, though I do believe crows are much maligned and don't always deserve the bad press they get!

I agree with the foregoing comment about 'Screeches' which I too would not associate with crows. But then there are a limited number of onomatopoeias that accurately describe the sound of a crow, so I'm not sure what I'd suggest to replace it, apart from doing what I do and making up your own word where a suitable one doesn't exist in your dictionary.

I loved the humourous touch of the radio news report though, the way it personified the crows as if the whole thing were some human drama. The whole poem has a nice rhythm to it, sort of starting off slowly followed by a rush of dramatic action and then a calmer image (the wood pigeons) to finish on.

Finally, in defence of the crows, the pigeon was probably already injured before they attacked, being scavengers and opportunists - they generally go for things which have been killed or at least left for dead by predators. When my neighbour's cat tires of playing with its latest victim, quite often a crow will swoop down and carry it off to eat.

Lovely poem though, I enjoyed it very much.

Ô¿Ô

[Judi]

I love the word pictures you convey here...the imagery is so vivid...poor pigeon..(even if they are dirty messy birds if a lot of them are flying over, lol)

I have 3 sandhill cranes that visit me every day and beg for food...I throw out bread before they come, because I can't feed them personally...stupid laws...they are so beautiful...so regal! I can remember trying to catch birds with a salt shaker when I was a little girl...a wicked mother trick to keep me outside and happy...one I never taught my kids.. It's almost like God sent them to me to make up for it. LOL.
Anyway, I love the poem, and will come back when I have time to nit pick...but who knows I may not find anything...hugs, Judi

[Eisa]

Dear Snow,

I was going to detail every suggested change, but lost it somewhere - if youlike at all what I have done, set the two side by side to see where I suggest changes, then adopt, adapt, or chuck !

Mainly i have tightened it, but that may not suit your purpose ? Good story well told, I was living it.

Love
Alan

So sorry, my detailed crit did not get included here, and I did not keep a copy.

Hi Alan

Sorry I am late returning to this. I would be very interested to know where you would have tightened this up -- something I'm not too good at doing. Glad you lived the story!

Love Snow

[Eisa]

Hello Eisa,

Hello Merlin -- glad to see you jump in here

I decided to jump in here be-caws >>

the opening word, "Screeches" isn't what I normally attribute to crows. Owls, yes. I'd suggest a better word for the blackies - ballyhoo, ruckus, racket, hubbub, or any number of others.

Yes -- you are right there. I'll rethink

In V2, methinks there's a wee grammatickle thing >>
The dog charges, scattering
the mob who surge to the trees,

where "the mob" is a singular thing (made up of many) that should be followed by a singular verb, "surges". The mob surges. Since it isn't really a mob of people, "who" isn't the best fella there, I'd suggest "that." The mob that surges onward, cries, "B-Caws, B-Caws."

Oooh yes! you are right -- thanks for finding that one for me
My best to the fallen dove.

There Tis

Merlin

thanks again Merlin -- always helpful!

Snow

[Eisa]

Being a bird lover myself, this appealed to me straight away, though I do believe crows are much maligned and don't always deserve the bad press they get!

I agree with the foregoing comment about 'Screeches' which I too would not associate with crows. But then there are a limited number of onomatopoeias that accurately describe the sound of a crow, so I'm not sure what I'd suggest to replace it, apart from doing what I do and making up your own word where a suitable one doesn't exist in your dictionary.

I loved the humourous touch of the radio news report though, the way it personified the crows as if the whole thing were some human drama. The whole poem has a nice rhythm to it, sort of starting off slowly followed by a rush of dramatic action and then a calmer image (the wood pigeons) to finish on.

Finally, in defence of the crows, the pigeon was probably already injured before they attacked, being scavengers and opportunists - they generally go for things which have been killed or at least left for dead by predators. When my neighbour's cat tires of playing with its latest victim, quite often a crow will swoop down and carry it off to eat.

Lovely poem though, I enjoyed it very much.

Ô¿Ô

Hi Dave

Thank you for all the interesting information about birds. I find them fascinating. There is always a reason for their behaviour, I feel. I think more cats kill birds than crows do.

Perhaps I will make up a word for their sounds -- good idea!

Glad you liked the 'human verse'. I felt it could have coincided with the whole event, which is why I included it.

Great to have your feedback

Snow

[Eisa]

I love the word pictures you convey here...the imagery is so vivid...poor pigeon..(even if they are dirty messy birds if a lot of them are flying over, lol)

I have 3 sandhill cranes that visit me every day and beg for food...I throw out bread before they come, because I can't feed them personally...stupid laws...they are so beautiful...so regal! I can remember trying to catch birds with a salt shaker when I was a little girl...a wicked mother trick to keep me outside and happy...one I never taught my kids.. It's almost like God sent them to me to make up for it. LOL.
Anyway, I love the poem, and will come back when I have time to nit pick...but who knows I may not find anything...hugs, Judi

Thanks for your response Judi. I am interested to hear about your cranes. We have a heron that visits every now and then, but I feel it's to have a look in our pond in case he can see any fish LOL!

I'll look forward to your return if you have any suggestions.

Snow

[Guest_Cailean_*]

Outta my way, amateur coming through! :)

I like the anthropomorphic stanza - it's a nice contrast and reminds me of a Far Side cartoon I saw once where the birds had news and there was a crashed plane and the birds were reporting "We believe that the bird sucked into the jet engine was called Harold Meeker." - for the birds, it wasn't the air crash that was the tragedy, but the bird sucked into the engine! Here, we are focussing not just on a bird but a gang attack that leads to murder.

Speaking of which, although it may give the game away and bleed away from your anthropomorphism, a "mob" of crows is called a "murder" which in some ways is kind of apt later in the piece. (again, referring to the much maligned nature of crows, seen as a dark omen, generally because of their habits of corpse-eating from battlefields! It's not like they killed the soldiers in question!)

As to "screeches" crows tend to "caw" or err, "crow". Caws can be quite high pitched and sound quite eerie.

OK, this has been done with a sincere desire to help but maybe not with any ability! Take it or discard as you so choose. It's your vision!

Cailean.

[Eisa]

Outta my way, amateur coming through! :)

I like the anthropomorphic stanza - it's a nice contrast and reminds me of a Far Side cartoon I saw once where the birds had news and there was a crashed plane and the birds were reporting "We believe that the bird sucked into the jet engine was called Harold Meeker." - for the birds, it wasn't the air crash that was the tragedy, but the bird sucked into the engine! Here, we are focussing not just on a bird but a gang attack that leads to murder.

Speaking of which, although it may give the game away and bleed away from your anthropomorphism, a "mob" of crows is called a "murder" which in some ways is kind of apt later in the piece. (again, referring to the much maligned nature of crows, seen as a dark omen, generally because of their habits of corpse-eating from battlefields! It's not like they killed the soldiers in question!)

As to "screeches" crows tend to "caw" or err, "crow". Caws can be quite high pitched and sound quite eerie.

OK, this has been done with a sincere desire to help but maybe not with any ability! Take it or discard as you so choose. It's your vision!

Cailean.

Your comments are very interesting -- particularly a 'mob' being called a 'murder' which I thought was very apt.

I decided to avoid using an actual word to describe the crows sound and go with Merlin's suggestion of 'ruckus' Hope it works!

Thanks again for your comments

Snow

[AMETHYST]

Hey Snow ---


Oh my this is absolutely brilliant in images and follow through. I think the balance of tongue in cheek humor, yet quite dramatic descriptions is working quite well for this. The open stanza, to me, is brilliant. Fresh unique images stir this reader into a mood of anticipation -

The ending is marvelously thought out as I liked the way without saying, the pictures you've drawn for us leads us to know the mocking and inner thoughts of the birds perched and waiting ...

I really, really enjoyed this! :)

Hugs, Liz ...

[Eisa]

Hey Snow ---


Oh my this is absolutely brilliant in images and follow through. I think the balance of tongue in cheek humor, yet quite dramatic descriptions is working quite well for this. The open stanza, to me, is brilliant. Fresh unique images stir this reader into a mood of anticipation -

The ending is marvelously thought out as I liked the way without saying, the pictures you've drawn for us leads us to know the mocking and inner thoughts of the birds perched and waiting ...

I really, really enjoyed this! :)

Hugs, Liz ...

Hi Liz

I'm so glad you like this one as it's the first thing I've written in ages (makes a change from revising oldies LOL!) The incident happened last summer and thinking about it recently, inspired me to write about it. Thanks for the nomination.

Hugs Snow

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Snow...I think the revision really makes the poem stand out more as a picture in my mind a much better image than the original...the Kauu sounds just like a crow...lol.. very well done especially the little radio passage.
Steve

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Snow.

What a fabulous poem, filled with the 'character of the characters'. I think I would omit 'The' in your title.

I like the change you've made, subtle but good. The imagery really works well and I love the opening's "like black inkblots splattered on blue embossed paper." Very original! You've got nice pacing too from verse to verse, leading the reader on slowly, so we can visualize the action.

I really like this stanza - creative word choices!
My dog nose-nudges a pigeon
in the grass; still alive
its neck is pecked and bloody.
I hotfoot for my mobile.

The Bird Sanctuary official, (delete this comma)

Radio One Lunch-time News: (suggest changing this stanza from a different color to all italics)
A gang’s frenzied attack
leaves a lone passer-by
with critical injuries
in the Intensive Care Unit.

Love the ending too, their voices are heard!
Cheers
~Cleo

[Eisa]

Hi Snow.
Hi Lori
What a fabulous poem, filled with the 'character of the characters'. I think I would omit 'The' in your title.
Yes -- I can see 'The' is really unnecessary. Good idea.
I like the change you've made, subtle but good. The imagery really works well and I love the opening's "like black inkblots splattered on blue embossed paper." Very original! You've got nice pacing too from verse to verse, leading the reader on slowly, so we can visualize the action.
Thankyou!
I really like this stanza - creative word choices!
My dog nose-nudges a pigeon
in the grass; still alive
its neck is pecked and bloody.
I hotfoot for my mobile.
I changed the words quite a few times before I arrived at this
The Bird Sanctuary official, (delete this comma)
Yes
Radio One Lunch-time News: (suggest changing this stanza from a different color to all italics)
A gang’s frenzied attack
leaves a lone passer-by
with critical injuries
in the Intensive Care Unit.
I did wonder if the colour was really working -- italics would look more natural
Love the ending too, their voices are heard!
Cheers
~Cleo

Thanks for those last minute tweaks Lori -- off to do them now!

Snow

[Guest_Quietwaters_*]

Hi Eisa,

This is an interesting work because of the very nature of the birds you write about - out and about IN nature! Most of what I had observed upon my first few readings has already been "pecked to death"! But I would like to add one more little thought if I may...

L5 - Flurrying to the lawn,

I totally missed this line when I read through the first and second times. I couldn't figure out how the dog got in the midst of the murderous mass until I read it again for the third time. After some reflection, I think it is because "flurrying" is such a "soft" word. Too soft in contrast to what is actually going on with the crows, the pidgeon and the dog....perhaps a slight tweak such as -

Commandeering the lawn,

would draw your reader into the fracas without question.

Just my thoughts...

Nice word picture!

~ Shel

[Eisa]

Hi Shel - it's very nice to meet you.

You have mentioned something I had not thought about - and yes, I suppose flurry is a gentle word. I will give it some thought as to a word change there. Thank you for reading and passing on ideas.

Snow

[Kay]

I really like this a lot. It's tight and well done. This may sound small but I would omit this:

Silence.

I think the poem is stronger without it. Some really good stuff in this one.