Ghost Under the Eaves Options

[Kay]

She makes love to me everyday.
We become a cross. Other times, a roasting spit.
When she slips inside, I am a pink melon,
asking for a kiss to bruise the gods.

My belly feels light. I remember being eleven,
and kneeling at the feet of Our Lady of Guadalupe--
praying for breasts, for the map of a man.

Then, I found her:
soft around the mouth;
she leaves a flutter in my ribs,
a ghost under the eaves.

[Merlin]

Hello Kay,

You've enlightened me on a couple of positions I've not tried before. The pink melon is good, but the cross and roasting spit sound like fun.

Give my regards to the Lady.

Merlin

[Terocon101]

Hi Kay,

Pleased to meet you. Thanks for sharing this intriguing poem. It is a very mysterious piece, open to different interpretations (religious/sexual/muse/social) and I enjoyed all of what I could find.

I had to Google 'Our Lady of Guadalupe',(not a strong point of mine) what a history I came across(wikipedia). Possibly adds even more layers to this piece.

Asides all of that, it reads as beautifully as a poem.

I wonder if you could explain the 'roasting spit' to me, it cant be what I'm thinking(martyrs and sex?)

.

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Kay this seemed very sexually orientated to me, but I could see how it might be read in other ways, beautifullly done fine verse and flow, I too had to google the Guadlupe reference...hope to see more...
Steve

[Michelle]

Hi Kay, I think this is just excellent writing. I have absolutely no nits with this. Sorry to be so long to get here. I'm pretty much trying to ignore my poem right now and let it slip off the page.

Are you still around? Although there are a bunch of great poems this month for IBPC, I would like to nominate this one. I really think this would fare well in that contest.

my best,

Michelle

[Kay]

Forgive me for taking so long to reply. I've had some funerals to attend and a lot going on. If you'd like to nominate it that'd be great.
Steve, yes, it is a little experiment of mine and is rather sexually laces. A lot out of my league. Wanted to take a risk or two.
I will keep all these suggestions. Thank you so much..

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Kay nothing wrong with experimenting or with sexual innuendo..lol. Just thought I would say it could be read that way or read another way too..again great lines..
Steve

[Kay]

Thanks, Steve!

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Kay,

Congrats on your nom for the IBPC! I just posted your revision in the IBPC thread and am here to offer just a few punctuation and other suggestions for you to ponder (based on the revision). As always, take or toss.

Cheers
~Cleo


(comments) [add] {delete}


She makes love to me *everyday. (every day should be two words. A few alternates for L1 include:
day after day / daily / every day / day by day.)
When she slips inside, I am a pink melon, (no comma needed after 'melon')
asking for a kiss to bruise the gods.
My belly feels light. (suggest buoyant instead of light for alliteration). I'm unclear on what this line means?

I remember being eleven,
kneeling at the feet of Our Lady of Guadalupe-- (suggest putting Our Lady of Guadalupe in italics)
praying for breasts{,}[;] for the map of a man.

Then, I found her:
soft around the mouth.
A flutter in my ribs, (suggest changing to either an emdash or elipse)
a ghost under the eaves.

[Kay]

Cleo,

Thank you for those wonderful suggestions. Certain parts of this are still nibbling me, I confess!