Hidden, Sonnet under review Options

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Hidden

This morning's rosy dawn has warmed the sand.
A sea-bird holds the air; its feathers blush
with sky. Cool tones fold into warmth, it lands
where lilac ripples underlie the rush
of gentle surges on the shore. The tide
is out, the beach is hushed. A little boat
lies nodding, bobbing, sleeping on its side.
A filigree of lacy bubbles floats

a moment, then is gone. The sea-bird strikes
down viciously; it knows where molluscs live:
their tiny breaths betray them. Now he spikes
them in his bill. He takes what nature gives.

I gasp for tender things I'll never tell…
in silence, secrets live inside my shell.

KE

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Kathy,

This poem has a calming effect IMO. I enjoyed reading it... thanks for sharing it!

A few thoughts to use or lose~

Hidden

The title is appropriate... whether life, nature or people -- there is always something hidden.

This morning's rosy dawn has warmed the sand.
A sea-bird holds the air; its feathers blush
with sky. Cool tones fold into warmth, it lands
where lilac ripples underlie the rush
of gentle surges on the shore. The tide
is out, the beach is hushed. A little boat
lies nodding, bobbing, sleeping on its side.

The imagery is beautiful! It's calming to imagine the bird gliding effortlessly across the sky and see the colors in the water. I do think that you could change the punctuation but check with others first... it's not my strong suit! LOL Question about line 3... what lands? You're speaking of 'tones' at this point but is it that (which is plural so shouldn't it be 'they land'?) or is it the bird or a feather? And about the boat... can a boat float on its side? That image seems a bit odd to me, but then I can be odd too so maybe it's just me! *smiles* I also like the subtle use of internal rhyme in the last line of the first verse.

Maybe...

This morning's rosy dawn has warmed the sand;
a sea-bird holds the air, its feathers blush
with sky. Cool tones fold into warmth, it lands
where lilac ripples underlie the rush
of gentle surges on the shore. The tide
is out, the beach is hushed; a little boat
lies nodding, bobbing, sleeping on its side.

A filigree of lacy bubbles floats
a moment, then is gone. The sea-bird strikes
down viciously; it knows where molluscs live:
their tiny breaths betray them. Now he spikes
them in his bill. He takes what nature gives.

I gasp for tender things I'll never tell…
in silence, secrets live inside my shell.

I like the ending! You are speaking of a person and yet use 'shell' to further the 'sea' imagery you started with. The beauty carries throughout to the end. Just lovely... *sigh* I've never seen the seashore but maybe someday~

Cathy

[JustDaniel]

Hello again, too-long-hidden lady! There is a lot to like about this sonnet. I'm not the best critiquer, and I have a hard time going into long explanations 'cause I get lost in others' doing it, but such as I have give I thee...

Hidden

This morning's rosy dawn has warmed the sand.
A sea-bird holds the air; its feathers blush
[ I love the 'hold the air' and feathers that 'blush with sky'! ]
with sky. Cool tones fold into warmth, it lands
where lilac ripples underlie the rush
of gentle surges on the shore. The tide
is out, the beach is hushed. A little boat
lies nodding, bobbing, sleeping on its side.
[ I was going to object to this, but on third read I see how the bobbing could be taking place while the boat is on its side... if the tide is partially out. It makes sense after all! ]

A filigree of lacy bubbles floats
a moment, then is gone. The sea-bird strikes
down viciously; it knows where molluscs live:
[ Effective opening spondee variation, emphasizing the strike.
Not sure of the difficult of pronouncing 'scs' all in one sound. Possible singular: 'mollusc lives' ? ]
their tiny breaths betray them. Now he spikes
[ necessitating 'its tiny breaths betray it. Now he spikes one...' ]
them in his bill. He takes what nature gives.
[ The closing couplet is extremely effective, but there does not seem to be an adequate transition to the "I" who seems to kind of show up unannounced ?

Maybe you could say: '... Now he spikes me in his bill....' ]
I gasp for tender things I'll never tell…
in silence, secrets live inside my shell.

Well, there ya have it... just my perspective to do with as ya like.

Super writing, Kathy.

deLighting to read you, Daniel

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Hi Cathy, Ha! All I had to do was change one letter!

[#FF000] This poem has a calming effect IMO. I enjoyed reading it... thanks for sharing it!

A few thoughts to use or lose~

Hidden

The title is appropriate... whether life, nature or people -- there is always something hidden.

This morning's rosy dawn has warmed the sand.
A sea-bird holds the air; its feathers blush
with sky. Cool tones fold into warmth, it lands
where lilac ripples underlie the rush
of gentle surges on the shore. The tide
is out, the beach is hushed. A little boat
lies nodding, bobbing, sleeping on its side.

The imagery is beautiful! It's calming to imagine the bird gliding effortlessly across the sky and see the colors in the water. I do think that you could change the punctuation but check with others first... it's not my strong suit! LOL Question about line 3... what lands? You're speaking of 'tones' at this point but is it that (which is plural so shouldn't it be 'they land'?) or is it the bird or a feather?

Ah. This bit is unclear? The bird lands; the cool and warm tones are on his body. ie Warm pinkish colours fold into the cool blues: lilacs and white of his feathers, as his wings are tucked away.

And about the boat... can a boat float on its side? That image seems a bit odd to me, but then I can be odd too so maybe it's just me! *smiles* I also like the subtle use of internal rhyme in the last line of the first verse.


When the tide is out, boats tip to one side, because of the keel underneath. If the water goes out far enough, they are stranded,until the sea claims them again. When there's just enough water to float them a little, they bob gently. It is very peaceful, very calming. I am astonished that you've never seen the seaside. I HOPE HOPE HOPE that you will soon; you'll love it.

Internal rhyme. Oh, thanks. I use poetic devices a lot. There's a lot of assonance and consonance etc in the octet. That's meant to soothe and to link it all together in a pleasant way. Then KAPOW! at the volta as the bird strikes.

Maybe...

This morning's rosy dawn has warmed the sand;
a sea-bird holds the air, its feathers blush
with sky. Cool tones fold into warmth, it lands
where lilac ripples underlie the rush
of gentle surges on the shore. The tide
is out, the beach is hushed; a little boat
lies nodding, bobbing, sleeping on its side.

A filigree of lacy bubbles floats
a moment, then is gone. The sea-bird strikes
down viciously; it knows where molluscs live:
their tiny breaths betray them. Now he spikes
them in his bill. He takes what nature gives.

I gasp for tender things I'll never tell…
in silence, secrets live inside my shell.

I like the ending! You are speaking of a person and yet use 'shell' to further the 'sea' imagery you started with. The beauty carries throughout to the end. Just lovely... *sigh* I've never seen the seashore but maybe someday~

I'm glad you like that. It's an extended metaphor really. I was thinking about how vulnerable we are underneath, and how it only takes the smallest of clues for some predatory people to work it out and to strike. And I know lots of secrets.

Thank you for your time and attention. I will keep your suggestions in mind.

Best wishes, Kathy.

Cathy

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Hello again, too-long-hidden lady! There is a lot to like about this sonnet. I'm not the best critiquer, and I have a hard time going into long explanations 'cause I get lost in others' doing it, but such as I have give I thee...

Such as thou hast is welcome, kind sir.
'Too long hidden,' am I? Like Una in the forest? And here you come agalloping...

[marquee][/marquee]

Hidden

This morning's rosy dawn has warmed the sand.
A sea-bird holds the air; its feathers blush
[ I love the 'hold the air' and feathers that 'blush with sky'! ]

Great! That pleases me a lot. Did you hold the reading for a beat, as the bird hung there? Did you make an ushhhh sound for the sky? (The sea is there too, in the sound.)

with sky. Cool tones fold into warmth, it lands
where lilac ripples underlie the rush
of gentle surges on the shore. The tide
is out, the beach is hushed. A little boat
lies nodding, bobbing, sleeping on its side.
[ I was going to object to this, but on third read I see how the bobbing could be taking place while the boat is on its side... if the tide is partially out. It makes sense after all! ]

Exactly! You can see it, then!

A filigree of lacy bubbles floats
a moment, then is gone. The sea-bird strikes
down viciously; it knows where molluscs live:
[ Effective opening spondee variation, emphasizing the strike.
Not sure of the difficult of pronouncing 'scs' all in one sound. Possible singular: 'mollusc lives' ? ]

Ah, you saw the spondee. In this poem I wanted to maximize the volta. Actually, now that I check it, I see that I've divided it incorrectly, at line 7 instead of 8, so will correst that.

The 'uscs' of 'molluscs': kind of makes you spit, eh? A bit like ... um um ... well, molluscs.
It is a bit difficult to say, but I enjoy doing that. You can say 'tusks,' can't you? In my accent, the sounds are the same. How do you say them? (Hanky required. Ha ha )

their tiny breaths betray them. Now he spikes
[ necessitating 'its tiny breaths betray it. Now he spikes one...' ]
them in his bill. He takes what nature gives.
[ The closing couplet is extremely effective, but there does not seem to be an adequate transition to the "I" who seems to kind of show up unannounced ?

Maybe you could say: '... Now he spikes me in his bill....' ]
I gasp for tender things I'll never tell…
in silence, secrets live inside my shell.

Ah, the observer just jumps up, eh? Who do you think was telling the story? Ha ha! Actually, it's another extended metaphor, as I explained above. At the couplet, the reader is supposed to suddenly realise that the whole thing has a second meaning. Like the shellfish, he/she has been taken.

Well, there ya have it... just my perspective to do with as ya like.

Super writing, Kathy.

deLighting to read you, Daniel

Thank YOU, shy rider. Should a dragon happen by, I'll call for thee.

K

[TygerTyger]

Hey Kathy,

It took me a minute to recognize this as a Shakesperean Sonnet because of the unexpected stanza break -used to good effect in this poem.

And it is a good poem.

You're quite sonic, aren't you? You feel the sounds.

I can appreciate that.

And the well done metaphor of warning to keep one's self carefully hid from a world ready to devour a tasty morsel that dares to reveal a peep (or bubble) of it's tender soul.

So, along that line, I humbly offer to you this suggestion as a possible alternative to L 13:

I want the tender things inside to tell…
in silence, secrets live inside my shell.

I know it's a bit of an inversion, but, not too bad, I think, to be useful.

Ah, you saw the spondee. In this poem I wanted to maximize the volta. Actually, now that I check it, I see that I've divided it incorrectly, at line 7 instead of 8, so will correst that.

I'm thinking that your turn is taking place in the middle of L 9, which is perfectly acceptable in this type of sonnet. Am I mising something?

As you wish!

Dennis!

[AMETHYST]

Hi Kathy,

There is so much going on within this Sonnet. Starting with the title, it hints to the reader to look between the lines to seek out little details placed around about that clue the reader into a larger picture. The opening is full with vivid images, sounds and movement, all of which emphasize the sea- such as the images painted are wrapped in colors of the open sea, sounds to heighten the whispering of an ocean's breeze and several words used as verbs, such as 'blush in L2 - brings motion to the sea, the sky above and all of the narrators view taking in.

Some further thoughts to follow in line. This is quite beautiful, in the make up of the sonnet and the meaning by poem's end. I like that twist, it came a bit unexpected which adds to the over all Sonnet.

Hugs, Liz

Hidden

This morning's rosy dawn has warmed the sand.


L1, both mornin's/dawn seem to feel unnecessary and / or perhaps it is the word 'rosy' that sort of feel weak or awkward to my ear. Perhaps -
This morning's roseate dawn warmed the sand.


A sea-bird holds the air; its feathers blush

L2, I also love 'blush/with sky' An excellent enjambment-allows the word blush to take on that duality. Also 'holds the air;' quite a fresh and original phrase.


with sky. Cool tones fold into warmth, it lands
where lilac ripples underlie the rush
of gentle surges on the shore. The tide
is out, the beach is hushed. A little boat
lies nodding, bobbing, sleeping on its side.
A filigree of lacy bubbles floats

The sounds of the "EL" such as cooL/Lands/LILac/rippLs/underLIE blend well. The alliteration and assonance is soft, and unintrusive - I loved the smooth feel of 'nodding, bobbing, slieeping on its side, I don't know much about boats, would it be a dingy boat? ... if so, perhaps you could substitute 'a little boat' with a dingy boat (the ing sounds bounces off nicely with L7.

a moment, then is gone. The sea-bird strikes
down viciously; it knows where molluscs live:
their tiny breaths betray them. Now he spikes
them in his bill. He takes what nature gives.

Loved this volta, I as the reader felt myself sitting off the shore, lounging and taking in the loveliness of the morning, the changing colors of the sky, the feel of ocean air and the scents of the sea wafting along, on me, in me - through me ... and the gentlness of nature all around. The lines and images focus on that peaceful, lulling state and with a swift turn of the volta, boom nature becomes vicious, or more dramatic in tone and the narrator appears to show this in the harsh sounds used in the 'k and T sounds, they sharper to my ear and feel sharper... like a bird's beak -
I love 'He takes what nature gives." those words, imply without actually painting the full picture that it is over - done - and the narrator is taken aback.

I gasp for tender things I'll never tell…
in silence, secrets live inside my shell.

Excellent ending couplet.

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Hey Kathy,

It took me a minute to recognize this as a Shakesperean Sonnet because of the unexpected stanza break -used to good effect in this poem.

And it is a good poem.

You're quite sonic, aren't you? You feel the sounds.

I can appreciate that.

And the well done metaphor of warning to keep one's self carefully hid from a world ready to devour a tasty morsel that dares to reveal a peep (or bubble) of it's tender soul.

So, along that line, I humbly offer to you this suggestion as a possible alternative to L 13:

I want the tender things inside to tell…
in silence, secrets live inside my shell.

I know it's a bit of an inversion, but, not too bad, I think, to be useful.

Ah, you saw the spondee. In this poem I wanted to maximize the volta. Actually, now that I check it, I see that I've divided it incorrectly, at line 7 instead of 8, so will correst that.

I'm thinking that your turn is taking place in the middle of L 9, which is perfectly acceptable in this type of sonnet. Am I mising something?

As you wish!

Dennis!

Hi Dennis,

Sonic. Ah. I hadn't thought of it like that, but yes, I guess you're right. I feel sounds and colours, and spaces. Rhythms too. But don't we all? Perhaps it is an open ended scale. You've got me thinking now.

Oh it wasn't so much keeping myself safe, but the secrets of others. You are right though; I'd only need to breathe a hint of them and there would someone waiting to pounce! I see you picked up the mussel's breath in bubbles. Cool. That's why There's a gasp at the end. Those watery little breaths make a fuzzy pop too, which birds can hear.

But thanks for the suggestion!

Yes the volta is divided halfway through the line. You haven't missed anything.

I'm glad you enjoyed it, Dennis. Thanks .

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Liz, I have been thinking all day about your observations re the first line. Basically, are some words redundant? I have been so enamoured of the sounds that I didn't notice that.

Over here we say, 'this morning,' almost as a single word. 'This morning I went to the supermarket,' ' He had a close shave this morning.' So 'this morning' can be at any time from after midnight to noon. Therefore, 'this morning's dawn' is OK. And it's rosy. We speak of rosy cheeks, a rosy glow, and a rosy future. So a rosy dawn is ok too. I think.

But you scared me for a while.

When I first wrote it, I called it 'What Lies Beneath,' but a movie by that name had just come out! So I called it 'Hidden Things,' and it was published under that name in 'Reflections from the Moon an anthology of sonnets' edited by Beverley George, in 2003. But I am never happy with things for long.

Thank you for liking the colours, sounds and movement. I badly wanted them to be there.

You wrote:

A sea-bird holds the air; its feathers blush



L2, I also love 'blush/with sky' An excellent enjambment-allows the word blush to take on that duality. Also 'holds the air;' quite a fresh and original phrase.

*****--Huge smile---


with sky. Cool tones fold into warmth, it lands
where lilac ripples underlie the rush
of gentle surges on the shore. The tide
is out, the beach is hushed. A little boat
lies nodding, bobbing, sleeping on its side.
A filigree of lacy bubbles floats

The sounds of the "EL" such as cooL/Lands/LILac/rippLs/underLIE blend well. The alliteration and assonance is soft, and unintrusive - I loved the smooth feel of 'nodding, bobbing, slieeping on its side, I don't know much about boats, would it be a dingy boat? ... if so, perhaps you could substitute 'a little boat' with a dingy boat (the ing sounds bounces off nicely with L7.

***** Ah, the vernacular. We don't say 'dinghy boat' here; we say 'dinghy,' 'launch,' 'clinker-built,' or whatever. But yes, it is a dinghy, and nice suggestion re the sounds!.

a moment, then is gone. The sea-bird strikes
down viciously; it knows where molluscs live:
their tiny breaths betray them. Now he spikes
them in his bill. He takes what nature gives.



Loved this volta, I as the reader felt myself sitting off the shore, lounging and taking in the loveliness of the morning, the changing colors of the sky, the feel of ocean air and the scents of the sea wafting along, on me, in me - through me ... and the gentlness of nature all around. The lines and images focus on that peaceful, lulling state and with a swift turn of the volta, boom nature becomes vicious, or more dramatic in tone and the narrator appears to show this in the harsh sounds used in the 'k and T sounds, they sharper to my ear and feel sharper... like a bird's beak -
I love 'He takes what nature gives." those words, imply without actually painting the full picture that it is over - done - and the narrator is taken aback.

###### You did exactly what I wanted for you; being soothed and lulled. We all get seduced into a false sense of security sometimes. Heh.
I was really playing with the 'turn' or volta, here. I wanted it to be sudden and vicious. The bird read the signs, (which the reader probably missed,) to find the shellfish. He is not by nature vicious; it is just the way things are.
You are right again, Liz, about the sounds and the shock of it. I wanted to share some of that shock, the ruthnessness of it.


I gasp for tender things I'll never tell…
in silence, secrets live inside my shell.

Excellent ending couplet.

******* Thank you! K

.

[Guest_Don_*]

I like the image of the boat on its side, bobbing. Normally one sees an upright boat lifting and falling upon the waves. A beached boat on its side may not float, but the waves rising and falling still gives the illusion that the boat is bobbing. This is the unusual image I see with a small craft. A poetic reversal of cause and effect of bobbing action with same visual effect.

Of course for safety, any modern small craft will float regardless of axial orientation. Generally anything floating will rise and fall with bouyancy. I prefer visualizing a rowboat beached on its side half submerged.

Don

[Guest_Kathy_*]

You have it exactly, Don, and very well put; I loved your boats! Ahh, how soothing it is to see them.

Thanks.

[AMETHYST]

Liz, I have been thinking all day about your observations re the first line. Basically, are some words redundant? I have been so enamoured of the sounds that I didn't notice that.

Over here we say, 'this morning,' almost as a single word. 'This morning I went to the supermarket,' ' He had a close shave this morning.' So 'this morning' can be at any time from after midnight to noon. Therefore, 'this morning's dawn' is OK. And it's rosy. We speak of rosy cheeks, a rosy glow, and a rosy future. So a rosy dawn is ok too. I think.

Hi Kathy,

No need to worry about suggestions that I or anyone else leaves. Each one is just for your consideration, and if it hits a point in the poem that you, as the poet would like to improve, then it helps to put direction to that cause.

Yes, we speak of those rosy things too - that was why I suggested another substitute, it is often spoken of rosy, and I felt it might enhance the image itself as it is the introductory line to offer something fresh. Of course, rosy is fine - I too love the sounds between morning/dawn.

I remember that movie "What lies beneath' and I haven't seen it because the commercial just left a eebie jeebie feeling in me! :) So I am glad your wonderful poem is not named that - LOL

Big Hugs, Liz

[Guest_Don_*]

You have it exactly, Don, and very well put; I loved your boats! Ahh, how soothing it is to see them.

Thanks.

Ripples, and objects undulating on them and gentle waves is emotionally calming. Very similar to sing-song aspect of some poetry--if not overdone.

I am gratified we had the same imagery.

Don

[AMETHYST]

Hi Kathy,


Just a quick suggestion. I thought I mentioned it in my first critique but it flew by! LOL

of gentle surges on the shore. The tide
is out, the beach is hushed. A little boat
lies nodding, bobbing, sleeping on its side.
A filigree of lacy bubbles floats

In L4, perhaps a typo ... but 'float' instead of 'floats' ? ..

That's it. I adore this poem and will be keep my eye on it!

Hugs, Liz

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Hi Kathy,


Just a quick suggestion. I thought I mentioned it in my first critique but it flew by! LOL

of gentle surges on the shore. The tide
is out, the beach is hushed. A little boat
lies nodding, bobbing, sleeping on its side.
A filigree of lacy bubbles floats

In L4, perhaps a typo ... but 'float' instead of 'floats' ? ..

That's it. I adore this poem and will be keep my eye on it!

Hugs, Liz

Liz, you have spotted the very thing that gave me anguish in writing this poem. I originally had:

A filigree of lacy bubbles float But someone pointed out to me that the filigree of bubbles (plural) are the subject. Therefore it has to be 'float.' I tried all sorts of ways to fix it, so the rhyme would be perfect, but I couldn't. So, instead, I made another rhyme do the same thing, lower down.
Here:

a moment, then is gone. The sea-bird strikes
down viciously; it knows where molluscs live:
their tiny breaths betray them. Now he spikes
them in his bill. He takes what nature gives.

Actually, it isn't mandatory to have perfect rhymes. Some sonnets are even written on slants; Ozymandias, for instance. But I haven't yet been able to do it without feeling unhappy.

Sharp eyes, you!



.

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Liz, you wrote:

No need to worry about suggestions that I or anyone else leaves. Each one is just for your consideration, and if it hits a point in the poem that you, as the poet would like to improve, then it helps to put direction to that cause.

I know that, kitten. It gave me pause though, because I thought 'Egads!' (Well, it sounds good.) 'Egads!' I thought, 'she could be right! All this time and I didn't notice!'

Yes, we speak of those rosy things too - that was why I suggested another substitute, it is often spoken of rosy, and I felt it might enhance the image itself as it is the introductory line to offer something fresh. Of course, rosy is fine - I too love the sounds between morning/dawn.

Ah, I see. 'Rosy' could be a bit hackneed. Fair point.

I remember that movie "What lies beneath' and I haven't seen it because the commercial just left a eebie jeebie feeling in me! :) So I am glad your wonderful poem is not named that - LOL

You didn't miss anything, Liz. It was an ukky movie. I watched it to the end though.

+----+

.

[Guest_Don_*]

A filigree of lacy bubbles float

In the above construction, filigree is the subject compatible with singular float.
Example: Float a filigree (of lacy bubbles)

"Float" is a verb with or without an object.

"Floats" often is a noun like seaplane floats.

Juss ma onion.

Don

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Yer, I argued about it too, but I was outnumbered. Bubbles float. There's the rub. Maybe I'll try to find that series of crits, 'cos the structure of language is not my strong point, but others said it so well. Unfortunately.

But I'd love it if you are right.

[Guest_Don_*]

You need a bigger hammer.

Bubbles is the object of a subordinate prepositional phrase. It is the location of the verb following the phrase (which is perfectly valid) that confuses. Remove "of lacy bubbles" to see the structure.

The prepositional phrase modifies the subject "filagree" not the verb "float."

Don

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Here y'are:

http://p197.ezboard.com/fthesonnetboardfrm...picID=116.topic