Seasonal Tapestry, Brief look at seasons :suncloud: Options

[Peterpan]

 


Second Edit:

Seasonal Tapestry

Autumn lies scattered on the ground.
Winter sheds her frigid gown.
Spring blooms with blessings of colour.
Summer warms with salutary sunshine.



First Edit:

Seasonal Tapestry

Autumn lies scattered on the ground.
Winter sheds her white, frigid gown.
Spring blooms with blessings of colour.
Summer warms with salutary sunshine.




Original Posting:

Seasonal Tapestry

Autumn lay scattered on the ground.
Winter shed her white gown.
Spring bloomed with blessings of colour.
Summer warmed with salutary sunshine.



PP

[Peterpan]

Hi Bev,
I have to say I liked the first version for its shortened second line. I do, however, like the use of present tense in the second revision. Anytime a poem speaks in present tense it makes us look twice. I guess the norm to all writing is past tense, but to put something in the present is a sign of the author taking risks. I like that. It's both a challenge to read and write, as your mind isn't used to dealing with events of a present nature through the act of reading. We are all used to seeing these things happen in real-time, three-dimensional, live action. Your mind automatically thinks of something you read as having taken place in the past. Thus present tense is somewhat a shock to the system.

To get back to the second line of your poem, I rather liked the first draft of that. It was simple, short, pointed. Totally unlike the winter, which can be slow and excruciating and aimless in its length of time. Some years it seems winter will go on forever. Through this one line you present a striking juxtoposition to the season. Also, to use the words "frigid" and "white" when referring to winter is far too cliched.

Thanks for the read.

:pharoah2

Hello Kenneth~

As I have said before your crits are interesting and valued. You have a slightly different view and are received and noted. I have given the poem some thought over a period of time and although short and sweet it has generated a lot of debate. Possibly because of its very common content.

I was not sure of the state of 'tense' and was advised by James, Nina and Cathy to alter to present tense. Perhaps I should still just have it as:

Seasonal Tapestry

Autumn lies scattered on the ground.
Winter sheds her white gown.
Spring blooms with blessings of colour.
Summer warms with salutary sunshine.

Simple is possibly best? To be honest we do not have snow here in Johannesburg often - every ten years and considering our last two winters, global warming is here, so I used a lot of poetic licence to write this one. I needed the contrast.

On the other hand 'frigid' does describe a hard, cold winter?

Thanks for reading! Much appreciated.

PP