Garden of Eden, revised Options

[Guest_Nina_*]

Thanks to James for the comment he made which gave me the inspiration for this poem

Garden of Eden (revised with thanks to Cathy, Don and James)

Alluring winding lane
leads enticingly
to elegant splendour;
magnificent garden
in secluded enclave.

Lush trimmed lawns
border neat flowerbeds:
rich profusion
of flourishing flowers.

Rainbow colours
nestle proudly among  
rich green foliage.

Heady perfume
attracts brightly
coloured butterflies
flitting between blooms.

Sparkling-clear icy water
tumbles from majestic waterfall
into gently flowing stream.

Tranquillity surrounds.

I tread eagerly along
intricately patterned path,
venturing deeper
into magical garden:
unaware,
unsuspecting.

My mirror shatters:
paradise fractures into
deadly shards.

Illusion dissolves.

Withered, gnarled trees ,
become distorted headless bodies:
they tower menacingly above
barren, desolate landscape.

Spiders’ webs span
rusting jagged spikes;
lean brown rats
rummage rotting rubbish
on stony cracked earth

Dense dank fog lingers
over stagnant slimy pond:
death and decay
from every crevice.

Lured by childish trust
through false veneer of
beauty and enchantment:,
I’m trapped in
unrelenting, waking
nightmare…

Black reality





------------------------
Garden of Eden (original)

Alluring winding lane
leads me enticingly
to elegant splendour
of magnificent garden
in secluded enclave.

Lush trimmed lawns
border neat flowerbeds,
planted with rich profusion
of flourishing flowers.

Pinks, reds,
yellows, mauves
nestle proudly among  
rich green foliage.

Heady perfume
fills the air,
attracting brightly
coloured butterflies
who flit from bloom to bloom.

Sparkling icy clear water
tumbles from majestic waterfall
into gently flowing stream below.

Tranquillity surrounds me.

I tread eagerly along
intricately patterned path,
venturing deeper
into magical garden:
unaware,
unsuspecting

The mirror shatters:
paradise fragments into
deadly sharp,
glassy shards.

Illusion dissolves.

Withered, gnarled trees,
like distorted headless bodies,
tower menacingly above
barren, desolate landscape

Spiders weave webs
between rusting jagged spikes,
while lean brown rats rummage
amid rotting rubbish
on stony cracked earth.

Dense dank fog lingers
over stagnant slimy pond:
death and decay
emanate from every crevice.

Lured by childish trust
into false veneer of
beauty and enchantment:,
I’m trapped
in unrelenting,
waking nightmare.

Black reality


Nina

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Don

As you can tell colorful badges are colorful.  If I were truly intimidated…..?.

 :grinning:

Visit a perfume shop and jot down names of their wares.  I suspect we use floral names to describe their unique aromas.  What else smells like a Lilly?
I think you are right, but my problem is I'm fairly ignorant when it comes to flowers and don't get any sense of a fragrance from the mention of the word Lilly.  I tend to be more visual than olfactory (if that is the right word)

Length produces characteristic risks.  I am happy to see you graduating into longer works.  I frankly tend to crit short stuff for lack of time and concentration, if truth is known.  There is the change of pace avenue for longer poems.  Your tone is a major change of pace.  Short stanzas strategically located within series of verbose is a beneficial change of pace.  Quotations of conversation are a chance of pace in prose, and poems.
Thank you, very useful information to bear in mind for the future.

Ending on a happy note or sad is optional.  Most novels have happy conclusions because people live too many sad ones. I do not consider poetry best employed for escapists’ fantasy.  However, some terrific examples counter this view.  In this work of yours additional length could address returning to happy face.  Only as a change of pace artifice, you see?
It would be difficult in this particular poem, to go back to the happy face.  Once illusion has been removed, how can you ever recapture tht innocence.  Your experience is irrevocably altered by the truth.

I am looking forward to your crit many weeks from now when I am able to return to submission writing. .
and I am looking forward to reading your poetry again.  It has been so long since I have had that pleasure.

Thanks very much for this interesting discussion

:pharoah2

Nina