Merry? Go-Round Options

[Guest_Nina_*]

Merry? Go-Round (revised with thanks to James, Cathy and Fran)

Once gaily-coloured horse
on endlessly turning
merry-go-round.

Weather-worn,
paint peeling,
chipped,
scarred.

Surrounded by
noise,
bustle,
grime.

Genteel elegance
battered through time.

Fixed rigid:
limited movement
controlled from above  –
up, down,
round and round.

Trapped in never-ending circle;
weighted by burdens carried:
narrow existence.

Does it yearn to escape?
flex restricted limbs;
gallop off - different direction
far from its prison.

Light as a soaring swallow:
riderless,
         unencumbered,
                             independent,
                                                  free.



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Merry-Go-Round (original)

A once gaily-coloured horse
stands on endlessly turning
merry-go-round:
weather worn,
paint peeling,
chipped, scarred:
surrounded by noise,
bustle and grime:
genteel elegance
battered through time.

Rigidly fixed on its platform:
limited movement
controlled from above  –
up, down,
round and round:
trapped in never-ending circle;
weighed down by burdens carried:
narrow existence.

Does it yearn to escape -
flex restricted limbs;
gallop off in divergent direction
far from its prison cage;
light as a swallow soaring high:
riderless,
unencumbered,
independent,
free.


Nina

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Good morning, Nina

An interesting philosophical question. Does it yearn for freedom, or does it feel safe in it's confined life, where it has companions,  purpose, direction (albeit going nowhere in fact) and belongs ... ?

I did start to read the other crits, but I think I began to loose the plot, too, so here's my own attempt ...

A once gaily-coloured horse
{stands on} endlessly turning
[on] merry-go-round:
weather worn,  --- hyphen ?
paint peeling,
chipped, scarred:
surrounded by noise,
bustle {and} grime:
genteel elegance  
battered through time.  

You paint the picture so very well; have a lovely vision now in my mind.

Not quite sure if carosels could have genteel elegance? would bright exuberance or similar work?

Rigidly fixed {on its platform}:
limited movement
{controlled from above  –} --- line a tad confusing: God ? man ? Pulleys ? ... or did you want that double take?
up, down,
round and round:
trapped in never-ending circle;  --- wonderful!
weighed down by burdens carried:
narrow existence.

Not quite sure about that penultimate line. Would it work swapped with last ? 'burdens carried' = tautological ?

Does it yearn to escape -
flex restricted limbs;
gallop off {in divergent direction} --- ouch  : )
far from its prison cage;
light as a swallow soaring high:
riderless,
unencumbered,
independent,
free.

The last verse poses a question, so the prose bit of me feels there ought to be a question mark floating around somewhere or other, but not sure where - first line or last?

Hope some of that may be of use. As usual - feel free to toss if not in keeping with your intentions.

Fran