Merry? Go-Round Options

[Guest_Nina_*]

Merry? Go-Round (revised with thanks to James, Cathy and Fran)

Once gaily-coloured horse
on endlessly turning
merry-go-round.

Weather-worn,
paint peeling,
chipped,
scarred.

Surrounded by
noise,
bustle,
grime.

Genteel elegance
battered through time.

Fixed rigid:
limited movement
controlled from above  –
up, down,
round and round.

Trapped in never-ending circle;
weighted by burdens carried:
narrow existence.

Does it yearn to escape?
flex restricted limbs;
gallop off - different direction
far from its prison.

Light as a soaring swallow:
riderless,
         unencumbered,
                             independent,
                                                  free.



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Merry-Go-Round (original)

A once gaily-coloured horse
stands on endlessly turning
merry-go-round:
weather worn,
paint peeling,
chipped, scarred:
surrounded by noise,
bustle and grime:
genteel elegance
battered through time.

Rigidly fixed on its platform:
limited movement
controlled from above  –
up, down,
round and round:
trapped in never-ending circle;
weighed down by burdens carried:
narrow existence.

Does it yearn to escape -
flex restricted limbs;
gallop off in divergent direction
far from its prison cage;
light as a swallow soaring high:
riderless,
unencumbered,
independent,
free.


Nina

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi J

My fav folk group - The Yetties (from Yetminster in Dorset, UK) do a fab song about the demise of The Punch and Judy Man. This is different but has a similar feel. But more optimistic in the end. Wonderful.
interesting.  I've never heard the song, but I may have a look and see if I can find the lyrics on google.

I spent ages trying to explain various suggestions and finally put them all in a suggested revision at the end.
thanks for taking the time to do this, much appreciated.

OK, I’m losing the plot here so I’ll put all my ideas (and any more I think of) into a full suggestion:
oh dear, sorry about that.  Thanks for persevering despite having to track down the plot.  

Probably easiest if I respond to your final suggested revision as well.

Merry? Go-Round
yes, the question-mark is a good idea

on second thoughts the question-mark may not be a good idea because it gives me a ****** emoticon where I don't want one.
Once gaily-coloured horse
endlessly turns on
merry-go-round.
hmm this needs a bit of thought.  Do I want the very subtle change in meaning from the passive action of the horse on the endlessly turning merry-go-round (almost as if it is caught up in something it can't escape from) to the active, where the horse is the one doing the turning? also too much hyphenation for my liking

Weather-worn,
paint peeling,
chipped,
scarred.

Surrounded by
noise,
bustle,
grime.

Genteel elegance
battered through time.
yes, I'm happy with the breaks in the verse.


Movements rigidly controlled
from above –
up, down,
round and round.
again it slightly changes the meaning, losing the idea of the horse being rigidly fixed to the merry-go-round by the pole and what limited movement it has being controlled by someone else.

Trapped in never-ending circle;
weighed-down by burdens carried:
narrow existence.

Does it yearn to escape?
Flex restricted limbs;
gallop away - any direction,
far from prison.

Light as a soaring swallow:
riderless,
        unencumbered,
                  independent,
                                          free.

I'm happy with the verse breaks and punctuation and I like the movement across the page of the last four words.

I agree with you that divergent is incorrect, but I think I would prefer:
gallop off in different direction, keeping off because it does give the notion of dismounting from the merry-go-round.

Many thanks for the suggestions, plenty of "food for thought"

Nina