Malice Un-forethought, Wizard Award ~ A poem Options

[Guest_Jox_*]

© James Oxenholme, 2005. I, James Oxenholme, do assert my right to be identified as the author of this work in accordance with Sections 77 and 78 of The Copyrights, Designs And Patents Act, 1988. (Laws of Cymru & England, as recognised by international treaties). This work was simultaneously copyrighted in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and the United States of America. This work is posted as an unpublished work in order to elicit critical assistance and other helpful comment, only.

Ref: TC 0359 AD (Thanks, Fran, Dani, Nina and Alan )


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Malice Un-forethought
by TC

Prometheus, a modern man,
forged in heat and fire:
a hundred-thousand volts
powered his electric birth.

I shall call you St. Norme:
You shall have a saintly future;
a normality for all humankind.

Limbs working; voice talking,
he strode across the land.
A man of parts lived in him,
yet he only existed in them.

Yearned to be whole:
as the race from which
he’d been forged.

Though people shun
such different men:
at best to be ignored.

Asylum denied.
Dejected, he turned to his God:
Why have you rejected me?

The good doctor, gone bad,
could only weep:
You are a race apart;
different: a threat.

So St. Norme turned:
he fought against all.
Love, companionship denied:
others’ lives, liberty he took.

From conception, he had
no chance; no future.
He changed his ways, his name
to become what they made him.

Hope begat misery;
desire begat slavery;
destiny begat tyranny.

St. Norme begat the Monster.

(end)

=========================================
TC 0359 AC

Malice Un-forethought
by TC

Prometheus, a modern man
forged in heat and fire:
a hundred-thousand volts
powered his electric birth.

I shall call you St. Norme:
You shall have a saintly future;
a normality for all humankind.

Limbs working; voice talking,
he strode across the land.
A man of parts, lived in him,
yet he only existed in them.

Yearned to be whole;
of the race from
whence he’d been forged.

Though people shun
such different men:
at best to be ignored.

Asylum denied, dejected
he turned, to his God:
Why have you rejected me?

The good doctor, gone bad,
could only weep:
You are a race apart;
different: a threat.

So St. Norme turned:
against all he fought.
Love, companionship denied:
others’ life, liberty he took.

From inception, he had
no chance; no future.
He changed his ways, his name
to become what they made him.

Hope begat misery;
desire begat slavery;
destiny begat tyranny.

St. Norme begat the Monster.

(end)

====================================

NB: "The Modern Prometheus" is the sub-title of the gothic horror novel, "Frankenstein" by Mary Shelley - which bears little relationship in its portrayal of the Monster to most films (save Kenneth Brannagh's).

NB2: the original Prometheus was the chap who stole fire (amongst other things) from the Greek gods and gave it to mankind. They were rather hacked-off by his behaviour.

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[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Alan,

You have asked for more crits, I'll have another go, now that I understand enough from the foregoing.

Thank you very much.

===============

Prometheus, a modern man
forged in heat and fire: --may not matter, but this does not seem to be a sentence ?
a hundred-thousand volts
powered his electric birth.

Well, I must admit, I don’t use sentences per se in poetry. The who ends with “birth” anyway, not “fire.” But you have alerted me to the omission of a comma at the end of line one. Thank you.

I shall call you St. Norme:
You shall have a saintly future;
a normality for all humankind. -- italics, or speech-marks for verse ?

Yup, I think you’re right, thanks.

Limbs working; voice talking,
he strode across the land.
A man of parts, lived in him, -- why the mid-comma ?
yet he only existed in them.

Good Q - cock-up I think. Thanks.

Yearned to be whole;
of the race from
whence he’d been forged. -- from whence is tautology, del whence

Why is it tautology? If I deleted it, I’d have to replace it with “which” wouldn’t I? Else, we’d have:

Yearned to be whole;
of the race from
he’d been forged.

Mind you, “which” may be a better word.

Actually, I think that verse needs re-writing, now you mention it. Thanks.
Re-written.

Though people shun
such different men:
at best to be ignored. -- again, sentence ?

Doesn’t a prose sentence need a verb to be a sentence? (To shun) (To ignore). Something about a subject, too, I expect.

But no, I wasn’t writing a sentence.

Asylum denied, dejected -- move last word to next line ?
he turned, to his God: -- del comma ?
Why have you rejected me?

Yes, thanks, dejected needs moving - silly error of mine.
Comma then superfluous. Thanks again.
I have also italicized the speech.
Also altered the lines one and two punctuation.

The good doctor, gone bad, -- del mid-comma ?
could only weep:
You are a race apart;
different: a threat. -- speech marks ?

Thanks but mid-comma retained because it delineates a sub-clause.

Not using speech marks but will italicise; thanks.

So St. Norme turned:
against all he fought. -- awkward construct ?
Love, companionship denied:
others’ life, liberty he took. -- lives ? your others' is plural

Is it an awkward construct? Maybe old fashioned, I suppose? Will think on’t. Ta.
Have changed that wording around.
plural / singular - Quite right - well-spotted; thank you.

From inception, he had -- you COULD use conception ?
no chance; no future.
He changed his ways, his name
to become what they made him.

I SHOULD use conception - thank you!

Hope begat misery; -- Jox, I'm SURE you use semi-c far too often, don't ask why lol
desire begat slavery;
destiny begat tyranny.

I love semi-colons in poetry - I simply use them for speed changes. Lists can be separated by semi-colons, though. I would love to write an entire poem in semi-colons :)

Seriously, here commas would be too little delay and full-stops too greater. Semi-colons seem about right.

St. Norme begat the Monster.

I'm minded to suggest the whole thing could be cast in present tense. But if you disagree with that, then I would strongly recommend that these last 4 lines are PT.

PT = past or present tense?

I am prone to mixing my tenses - I’ll look at the issue here. Thanks.

OK all in past tense, save the speech. Thanks.

Thanks very much, Alan - I have employed many of your suggestions and some others have spurred me to different changes. A very useful crit and greatly appreciated. Thanks.

J.