Stardust ***, Free-Verse Options

[Ali zonak]

Eira, I made a couple changes as you suggested. See what you make of them. Thanks, Ali.
Since I have never been in deep-space, my write may be total nonsense. Now I believe that small particles as well as large bodies collide all the time--but where would that leave my poem? lo.,

Stardust 2nd revision

Hear the singing wind-- Coarse dust
rolls in waves across the yard; violent
gusts whirl tumbleweeds through horse pens.
Their spiny, brittle forms brush against corrugated
metal sheds to scrape dented, rusty metal.

Sand is time and time is sand; in the river
of eternity, epochs erode granite
and all human superficiality, leaving behind
dust that’s destined to return to the stars.

Our planet’s shores embody innumerable
grains of worn stone; stellar grit, drifting
through Cosmos, exceeds Earth’s
sand grains in numbers--few will collide
with one another, thus attesting to space’s infinity.

I halt to clear my eyes of blowing sand
and contemplate how a by-us conceived
deity can keep its own vision clear
of so much stardust as the entity
moves through Cosmos’s endless space.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Stardust *** 1st revision (Thank you, delightful Daniel, for your valuable input!)

Hear the singing wind-- Coarse dust
rolls in waves across the yard; violent
gusts whirl tumbleweeds through horse pens.
Their spiny, brittle forms brush against corrugated
metal sheds to scrape dented, rusty metal.

Sand is time and time is sand; in the river
of eternity, epochs erode granite
and all human superficiality, leaving behind
dust that’s destined to return to the stars.

Our planet’s shores embody innumerable
grains of worn stone, but it’s been said that stellar
grit, drifting through Cosmos, exceeds Earth’s
sand grains in numbers--yet few specks
of stardust will ever collide with one another,
thus attesting to space’s infinity.

I halt to wipe grit from my eye
and contemplate how a by-us conceived
deity can keep its own vision clear
of so much stardust as the entity
moves through Cosmos’s endless space.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stardust *** Original Version

Listen to the singing wind-- Granular dust
rolls in waves across the yard; violent
gusts whirl tumbleweeds through the corrals;
its spiny, brittle forms brush against corrugated
sheds, scrape dented, rusty metal. Sand is time
and time is sand; both wear away all superficiality.

One seashore alone amasses innumerable
grains; yet stellar grit, drifting through cosmos,
exceeds our sand grains in numbers; so it's been said.
Yet, few specks of star dust will ever collide
with one another, thus attesting to space's infinity.

I halt to wipe a grain from my eye and contemplate
how a by us conceived deity can keep its own
clear of so much stardust as it moves
through Cosmos's endless space.

[JustDaniel]

Greetings, Ali... and welcome to a rather sandy Mosaic Musings!

I had just completed four paragraphs of critique, reviewing a bit more than half of your piece, and POOF! I hit the wrong button, and it was GONE!

I'm going to try again, writing elsewhere and pasting it here... which is a good practice to get into. This is definitely not the first time it has happened to me. You'd think I'd have learned by now, huh?

If you stick around here, you'll discover that I'm not much of a free verse writer, so I'm not frequent here, but since the site's been so quiet I thought a newbie with us (though I don't think you're a newbie writer!) deserves some attention until others chime in, hopefully. I personally write mostly in meter and rhyme or in poetic forms... the latter of which you'll see if you visit Karnak Crossing, where Larry and I play with various poetic forms every day or two. We'd be glad to have you join us in the fun.

Since you asked for significant critique, as indicated by the *** ... I read your interesting piece several times, and I'm particularly fond of your opening four and a half lines. They're a fine picture of a wind storm on (I assume) the prairie somewhere. You capture the image very well, I think. The only stumble that I had was with "granular", which to my mind is a virtual synonym for "dusty", unless you mean something like "grain dust" ?


Sand is time and time is sand; both wear away all superficiality. deserve a second stanza, I think. The foregoing is a fine image. This is a stark change in perspective to a general commentary, and would weaken your opening picture. Separating them, I think, would strengthen both, and the second would serve as in introduction in turn to the next stanza.

One seashore alone amasses innumerable
grains; yet stellar grit, drifting through cosmos,
exceeds our sand grains in numbers; so it's been said.
Yet, few specks of star dust will ever collide
with one another, thus attesting to space's infinity.

L2, perhaps a comma rather than a semicolon; there is no break in continuity there... unless you say, stellar grit, however, ... Also, since you capitalize Cosmos later, it probably should also be here?
L3 I think the so it's been said seems weak. Perhaps you could begin the break in L2 with it's been said that stellar grit...

L4 No comma after yet. Also stardust ought to be one word to be consistent with its use in the next stanza. But since you use it twice, you might consider a synonym in one of the occurrences.
L5 It's hard to see a bare statement of what will not happen, with no stated basis, to attest to anything, however true it may be. It's kind of reasoning in a circle here, methinks. Maybe you'd consider restating this?

I halt to wipe a grain from my eye and contemplate
how a by us conceived deity can keep its own
clear of so much stardust as it moves
through Cosmos's endless space.

Very nice transition back to the opening picture.

L2 a by us conceived, if you keep it should be hyphenated by-us-conceived, but I would suggest something like a deity that we've conceived ourselves...
L3 seems to have a major typo or something. I'm not sure what it means.

I'll be interested to see how your conclusion winds things up once you clear this up... and I hope to see a lot more of your writing. Do you do any rhyme and meter at all?

deLighting in your sharing, Daniel