Sunset, pondering a better, non-cliche title Options

[Guest_Dove_*]

(revision)


Sunkist


Spoonfuls of sugar
frost blueberries,
with a banana on the side.

Many
mandarin slices,
strawberry swirls,
cherry toppings,
kiwi leaves,
plum halves,
and the last
sliver of peach
are plucked and packaged;
ripe pear-shaped day.

Pomegranate seeds,
grape wine perfume,
and rosemary aroma
waft around the
pealed coconut that orbits;
eggplant night.

(original)


Sunset


Spoonfuls of sugar
cover blueberries,
with a banana on the side.

Many
mandarin slices,
strawberry splotches,
cherry stems,
kiwi leaves,
plum halves,
and the last
sliver of peach;
ripe pear-shaped day.

Pomegranate seeds,
grape wine perfume,
cranberry strings,
pealed coconut orbiting;
eggplant night.

[Guest_Don_*]

Coming to the party late, I'll nit the revision.

Certainly not important because I missed it, but I did miss coconut orbiting = moon.  Seems right after you mention it.  The title missleads me to concentrate on sunshine, etc.; hence reference to a moon seems out of place.

I certainly like the multitude of fruity flavors in a melodic list.  

Line 2: maybe "frosted?

Second to last line: word "that" seems flat.  How about:
peeled coconut in orbit  with singular orbit?

My first impression was waking to a delicious eye opening breakfast.  With moon involved perhaps its  termination of a perfect day.  Throwing a title on the fire: Flavor Right.

Pleasure to read my dear.


Don