 Separation (III) |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Poetry Forums > Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse
 Nov 12 15, 22:25
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 Nomad  Posts: 6 Joined: 7-November 15 Member No.: 5,289 Real Name: Adam Hughes Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Eira  |
Tonight my prayers
are a house built with the bones of birds. Tonight the stars roar their gravity somewhere beyond our ears. Tonight the wind is louder than God has ever been. I never see the dew fall but every new sunrise my feet are wet. |
  
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Nov 13 15, 13:26
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#2
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Babylonian Posts: 78 Joined: 13-November 15 Member No.: 5,294 Real Name: Krista van der Steen Writer of: Poetry |
I read this poem before you edited it.
I miss the wet feet ending, although the alternative is ok. The repeating beginning of stanzas 1-3 is attractive and after each 'Tonight', one does expect a thought provoking statement. I think you have mostly succeeded in this. My suggestions would be to rethink the ending once more, mostly to capture the whole theme and see what it looks like witout all the 'the's' ( the bones, the stars, the wind, the dew) Very soft and brittle work, in a good way. |
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Posts in this topic
Adhamh MacAodh Separation (III) Nov 12 15, 22:25 
Adhamh MacAodh Hi Krista, good to see you here. I think you'r... Nov 13 15, 13:38 K.S. Lenk I always enjoy your work.
This poem captures, rat... Nov 13 15, 18:37 Eisa Tonight my prayers
are a house built
with the bone... Nov 15 15, 19:02 
Eisa I'm back to have another look at this. It is t... Nov 16 15, 18:46 1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
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