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Topics for Teens- Hours, Mixed foot tetrameter |
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Jan 24 07, 16:15
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Group: Platinum Member
Posts: 1,802
Joined: 24-April 04
From: Connecticut
Member No.: 58
Real Name: Ron Jones
Writer of: Poetry
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Listen, my children and you shall her why one to twelve on the clock will appear. You might think of ten or perhaps twenty-four, a dozen seems strange as a base to keep score.
The first clue is this, there's both daytime and night, a time for the sun and for stars to be bright and so ev'ry day into halves would be split and that split preferred twelve over ten, I submit.
You see, twelve is divided by digits galore; whereas ten is but split by two and no more. So dividing the day into equal length shifts Change to "So to section ..." thanks Amethyst is the reason for thinking it's one of twelve's gifts.
Final Version Listen my children and you shall hear why one to twelve on the clock will appear. You might think of ten or perhaps twenty-four, a dozen seems strange as a source to keep score.
The first clue is this, there's both daylight and night, a time for the sun and for stars to be bright. So now ev'ry day into halves would be split, and that split preferred twelve over ten, I submit.
You see, twelve is divided by digets galore; whereas ten is split by two and no more.* So dividing the day into equal length shifts is the reason for thinking it's one of twelve's gifts. *2&5
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Replies
(1 - 10)
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Jan 24 07, 16:59
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter
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Oh Ron,
Wonderful! This has such a happy rhythm, bouncy and seems to keep time with the subject. I've printed this out and will be back with an acceptable critique, but for now I wanted to say, HEY, and thanks for the enjoyable read.
Best Wishes, Liz
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Jan 24 07, 17:50
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Group: Platinum Member
Posts: 1,802
Joined: 24-April 04
From: Connecticut
Member No.: 58
Real Name: Ron Jones
Writer of: Poetry
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QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Jan 24 07, 21:59 ) [snapback]90443[/snapback] Oh Ron,
Wonderful! This has such a happy rhythm, bouncy and seems to keep time with the subject. I've printed this out and will be back with an acceptable critique, but for now I wanted to say, HEY, and thanks for the enjoyable read.
Best Wishes, Liz Dear Liz, I've written many "Lessons for Kids", all in this style. Your response gives me hope that there is some interest in the loose light verse I use in writing them. I hope you'll share your best thoughts, but please keep in mind, they are intended to inform kids and make adults smile. I don't write pure poetry. You said it's bouncy, keeping time with the topic, and you'll have trouble pleasing me more. Cheers, Ron jgd
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Jan 24 07, 21:41
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 2,085
Joined: 24-May 04
From: Time, Immoral
Member No.: 66
Writer of: Poetry
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I think you should all go metric and have a 10-hour day. That way a person would only have to work some 3 hours or so, set aside 3 hours for sleeping, 3 for recreation, and the last one would be totally free time, to be spent as desired.
Then guys like NDG wouldn't lament about not enuff hours - there'd be plenty for everyone.
Merlin
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Jan 25 07, 04:57
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Ron -- I absolutely love this. I'll be back with some proper comments when I've more time, but had to let you know this has my 'thumbs up' Snow
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Jan 25 07, 18:10
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter
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QUOTE (jgdittier @ Jan 24 07, 17:50 ) [snapback]90444[/snapback] QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Jan 24 07, 21:59 ) [snapback]90443[/snapback] Oh Ron,
Wonderful! This has such a happy rhythm, bouncy and seems to keep time with the subject. I've printed this out and will be back with an acceptable critique, but for now I wanted to say, HEY, and thanks for the enjoyable read.
Best Wishes, Liz Dear Liz, I've written many "Lessons for Kids", all in this style. Your response gives me hope that there is some interest in the loose light verse I use in writing them. I hope you'll share your best thoughts, but please keep in mind, they are intended to inform kids and make adults smile. I don't write pure poetry. You said it's bouncy, keeping time with the topic, and you'll have trouble pleasing me more. Cheers, Ron jgd No need to worry Ron, I often read your work and I am one of those very few that enjoy the lighthearted, jestful tone and bouncy, alternating meter. Mostly because you have a very strong handle on meter and variations with meter--which always compliment your work. So you don't often leave me with much to nit pick at anyway... But I will make some word choice offers and please, use what you think might benefit the poem, while anything that isnt what you're looking for is easily tossed!
Will be back with more... Hugs, Liz
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Jan 26 07, 07:18
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Group: Platinum Member
Posts: 1,802
Joined: 24-April 04
From: Connecticut
Member No.: 58
Real Name: Ron Jones
Writer of: Poetry
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Dear Liz, Ah, yes! You do know just how to please me and you already have. Having concentrated on beat and the effort to bring your smile, I admit, my ditties can use some polishing and I'm quick to accept changes so long as I must'n't skip a heartbeat in doing so. This is also why I don't post often in this room as I'm driven to focus on the meter and meter just isn't all that important in modern poetry. In anticipation... Cheers, ron
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Jan 31 07, 08:49
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter
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Hi Ron,
Sorry about the delay in getting back. I've been working on too many things at one time! Anyway ... I understand about certain choices to maintain a specific rhythm and my suggestion, was merely regarding the repeat of divided/dividing in S4. And of course, when anyone suggests something it is only for your consideration and nothing more, no one ever expects the poet to make changes that are not in line with their intent! :) At least I don't! LOL
I was thinking S3 L3, perhaps dispensing (which also partners in rhyme with 'so/shifts') and still keeps the beats in the right places. There are a few other words too that fit the meaning/rhyme and keeps the beat, there's always allotting!
I have enjoyed this poem and always welcome more of your words, they always have a strong message weaved into a jestful, light-hearted rhyme and what better than to learn through a smile.
Best Wishes, Liz
QUOTE You see, twelve is divided by digits galore; whereas ten is but split by two and no more. So dividing the day into equal length shifts is the reason for thinking it's one of twelve's gifts.
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Jan 31 07, 09:08
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Group: Platinum Member
Posts: 1,802
Joined: 24-April 04
From: Connecticut
Member No.: 58
Real Name: Ron Jones
Writer of: Poetry
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QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Jan 31 07, 13:49 ) [snapback]90789[/snapback] Hi Ron,
Sorry about the delay in getting back. I've been working on too many things at one time! Anyway ... I understand about certain choices to maintain a specific rhythm and my suggestion, was merely regarding the repeat of divided/dividing in S4. And of course, when anyone suggests something it is only for your consideration and nothing more, no one ever expects the poet to make changes that are not in line with their intent! :) At least I don't! LOL
I was thinking S3 L3, perhaps dispensing (which also partners in rhyme with 'so/shifts') and still keeps the beats in the right places. There are a few other words too that fit the meaning/rhyme and keeps the beat, there's always allotting!
I have enjoyed this poem and always welcome more of your words, they always have a strong message weaved into a jestful, light-hearted rhyme and what better than to learn through a smile.
Best Wishes, Liz
QUOTE You see, twelve is divided by digits galore; whereas ten is but split by two and no more. So dividing the day into equal length shifts is the reason for thinking it's one of twelve's gifts.
Dear Liz, Thank you, thank you! Cheers, Ron jgd
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Feb 25 07, 19:28
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Hi Ron. This has a great rhythm and rhyme scheme going and a learning lesson to boot! I really enjoyed this look at how our day is measured! I have just a few notes I jotted down for you to ponder below as you wish. Cheers ~Cleo [add] {delete} Listen, my children and you shall hear why one to twelve on the clock will appear. You might think of ten or perhaps twenty-four, a dozen seems strange as a {base} [source] to keep score. (for alliteration to ‘score’)The first clue is this, there's both {daytime} [daylight] and night, (for inner rhyme to night and also so as not a duplicate to ‘time’ in next line)a time for the sun and for stars to be bright and so ev'ry day into halves would be split and that {split} [part] preferred twelve over ten, I submit. (for alliteration to ‘preferred’ and not to duplicate ‘split’ from previous line)You see, twelve is divided by digits galore; whereas ten is but split by two and no more. So dividing the day into equal length shifts is the reason for thinking it's one of twelve's gifts. (NICE ENDING)
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Feb 26 07, 18:45
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter
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Best to you! Liz :)
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