Needs polishing for submission to The Guardian Poetry Workshop

. .


*******Third Revision*********

For The Senescent (Alternative Title - For the Aging)


To merely exist ... sitting in silence,
counting down days until one becomes none
has weakened my will. It makes no sense
to merely exist, sitting. In silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist ... sitting ... in silence,
counting down days? I have become no one.



******Second Revision******


For The Senescent (Alternative Title - For the Aging)


To merely exist ... sitting in silence,
counting down days until one becomes none
has weakened my will. It makes no sense
to merely exist, sitting. In silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist, sitting in silence
counting down days? I have become no one.






*******First Revision******

For The Senescent (Alternative Title - For The Aging)


To merely exist ... sitting in silence,
counting down days until one becomes none
has striped away my mind. It makes no sense
to merely exist, sitting. In Silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist, sitting in silence
counting down days? I have become no one.





********Original**********

For The Senescent


To merely exist sitting in silence,
counting each day until one becomes none
has left me lonely. There is no defense
to merely exist, sitting. In Silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist, sitting in silence
counting each day? I have become no one.

OPTIONAL L6 "their triumphs, growing old. What have I done

Dear Liz,

I thinl the optionalline is far stronger than the one in the poem, growing old relates more that "from afar".

Also, L8 could be closer to L2 while still retaining your thought :

counting each day until one's become none

You could in fact use that as L2 as well, thus complying totally with the rule, tho I know minor variations are allowed. Just thought yours was not sominor ?

Love
Alan

Interesting, Liz. The special attributes of the Triolet are used to advantage here, especially From here:

.................... In Silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist, sitting in silence
counting each day? I have become no one.

I will have to come back after this has settled a while, but the beginning doesn't really sit properly. ie:

To merely exist sitting in silence,
counting each day until one becomes none
has left me lonely. There is no defense
to merely exist, sitting.

To merely exist, sitting in silence, counting each day

sounds ok to me, but not:

'until one becomes none' I get what you mean, and maybe I am being too picky. But no-one would say it like that. It has to be 'counting down,' doesn't it?

'There is no defense to merely exist' is not a proper sentence either. No defense to what?

So I have to think.

Pesky things, aren't they!

.

Hi Alan,

Thank you for the feedback, especially for the optional line - I am playing around to two variations of the poem, one including that line in L6, while another incorporates the description of aging into L3, so I will be bouncing these thoughts here and there.





This is the exact line I had for L2, The idea of the Workshop this month is to do a Triolet and use make it different. I enjoy the Triolet Form for the slight variations that create such differences in meaning within the repeated lines. In L2, the intention is to show that this lonely person, counts the days until the last day become no more days. While in L8, I had hoped would inply that as she/he gets older and more people in their life are gone, one is left and then, without making memories and actually living, one they are gone, they will have been 'no one' so the change in the final word of 'none' and no-one' I felt necessary to imploy the rule of variation in words in the repeat line.

I am hoping that is how it comes across, but will be weeding it and tweaking it per critiques as they come.

I am glad that you've given me a thumbs up for the optional line, I also liked the idea of offering growing old, but am still unsure it might work best in L3.

Hugs, Liz ...

Thank you Alan! :)

Hi Kathy,

Thank you for coming in and giving me some direction with this. I am glad you pin pointed where the context improves, as I was getting that ho drum feeling in the first part also. It seemed to reach toward what I wanted to say, but not exactly touch on it. I have made some minor (poss temp. revisions) and I hope I am heading in the right direction with the revisions. I used 'defense' merely as a place holder, because I knew what I wanted to say, but the best way of saying it hadn't yet presented itself. :) With your nudge to look in the right area, has helped to find some alternatives. THank you.

In L2, as you can see, I've made a slight change adding 'down' - I hope that improves it. I am surely open to whatever help can be offered on this, I would like to get it off to the workshop by Saturday. I think the deadline is the 16th or 18th... I have to take another look.

Hugs, Liz ...

Hi Liz,

I had to look up the Triolet in Karnak... it's been so long! LOL I think I have it down (let's hope).

To merely exist ... sitting in silence,
counting down days until one becomes none
has striped away my mind. It makes no sense Should 'striped' be 'stripped'?
to merely exist, sitting. In Silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience

I thought the lines were 10 syllables (or 8). Is there a variation or is it open-ended cause the above line has 11 syllables. *smiles* Maybe:

to merely exist, sitting. In Silence...
watch the lives of others, experience

their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist, sitting in silence
counting down days? I have become no one.

What about...

counting down days until I become none...

And nope, I don't have it down. LOL Is iambic meter a requirement of the form or just an option? Darn! I knew I should have written that down before coming back here!

Good luck with your submission!
Cathy

Hi Cathy,

It's been a long time for me too to write a Triolet. I had to look them up also to remind myself what the params were. The Triolet has no specified meter or line length requirement, however I have read that the most common is done in iambic, either 8 or 10 syllable count. But the real challenge to a Triolet is the variations that they actually call for - I have read some that have used tetrameter, trimeter and even dimeter. I think the main ingredient besides the 2 rhymes through out and the repeated lines is to offer a new meaning with each repeated line.

THanks for catching my fumble (striped) LOL - I am still unsure of going with that new revision for that line. If you have any alternative please stop on in ...

Hugs, Liz ...

(You should give the workshop a try and write a Triolet too... ) :)





Hugs Liz ...

Liz,
This is well thought out.

My favorite line because it is unfortunately so true....
counting down days until one becomes none

I pose a philosophical question: Can we truly experience something another person has accomplished? or are we just making an observation and being but a witness? Do we experience it or do we just enjoy, relish, savor, champion it?

I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done

JLY

To merely exist ... sitting in silence,
counting down days until one becomes none
has weakened my will. It makes no sense
to merely exist, sitting. In Silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist, sitting in silence
counting down days? I have become no one.


Hey, that's better! Clever girl!

Hi John

Thank you so much for coming on in. I have to say, although a Triolet should be easy, because it only uses 2 rhymes and in 8 lines, you only have to come up with 5 really. But they are a challenge when someone really wants to make them speak more than those 5 lines offer in words.

I am glad you choose that line as your favorite, actually it was my first line I had in my head and after getting Line 1 in my head, I put them into their positions. But it was the thought of which I created the poem on! And I learn so much from everyone that each time I write one I learn something else that will improve the art of making them. You might want to try one on for size they are fun to make.

I see what you saying about experiencing, technically I wanted no so much 'their triumphs ... ' but life in general. "Living life through the actions of others, their triumphs, joys sorrows losses achievements - their upsets and their humoroous moments all felt for through another's living it. So I guess it is only a half truth and I will think further on it, as I would like to straighten out the context of that area. :)

If something comes to your mind, please come on in and share it! :)


Hugs, Liz

Thanks Kathy - I am also contemplating a slight change in the L1 repeats... as below, which one seems to offer the pause in the right places better.... ?

To merely exist, sitting, in silence,
counting down days until one becomes none
has weakened my will. It makes no sense
to merely exist ... sitting. In Silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist sitting in silence,
counting down days? I have become no one.


Thanks for the encouragement and support on this one! :)

Hugs, Liz

It's hard to know. But I think the version with the least commas is better: 'To merely exist, sitting in silence...'

Before I opened your thread I was thinking about titles in a vague sort of way, because 'Senescence' seems a bit dry and cold. Your poem is about terminal loneliness; something we all dread. It actually cuts deep, and that gives it its appeal, I think. Dylan Thomas called his famous Villanelle 'Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night' and I think the title is part of the magic, because it came from the poem itself.

I suggest 'Sitting in Silence.' Or 'Counting Down Days.' What do you think? Mmmmm gerund-phobia might go against you. What about 'In Silence.' Something from the poem itself, anyway. Maybe even the entire first line. ???

.

HI Liz.

I actually suggest: Senescent as the title.

I'll be back to crit your poem in a bit, working on something offline for a few.....

I'll be back.
~Lori

There's not much to crit here Liz!

To merely exist ... sitting in silence,
counting down days until one becomes none
has weakened my will. It makes no sense
to merely exist, sitting. In Silence, (Why capitalize silence)?
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist, sitting in silence
counting down days? I have become no one.

As a suggestion for L5:
I scrutinize other's lives, experience (to add more alliteration to 'silence' and 'sitting')

A poignant ending too - so sad!

Good luck in the comp!
~Cleo

Hi Kathy,

Yes, I was more drawn to that draft as well. It seems the comma's put too many pauses where there isn't much need. As for title, I like that idea and the reasoning - When I first wrote the original (just before posting for critique) I had it as while sitting in silence. But changed it to For The Senescent, as I already had a poem titled, Senescent, but wanted to fill in the detail that the narrator is growing old without actually having to say it.

Right now I am having a tug a war between "Sitting in Silence'" or "Senescent" which I also think that Lori's thoughts, simplifying the present title has some depth, the only problem with it is I already have a poem that is titled Senescent and the title for that poem fits so well that I wouldn't want to change it.

I am going to post my most recent changes to the thread and I hope it will have polished it to near completetion. As always, I am open for critique and nit picks on all drafts till I finally get it right!

Hugs, Liz

Hi Lori,

Thank you for coming in, both regarding your title suggestion and this offering. I really think that the idea of 'scrutinize' is going in the direction I would hope, I am looking to establish that the narrator's life is a dull and uneventful life and that all her/his memories, conversational interests or anything that could be spoken of are but things others do, have had done to them, experience and the only emotions that are experienced are about what is happening in other peoples lives, because he/she doesn't participate in life, but just watches it. I am not sure if scrutinize is the right word, but it has me thinking along those lines. I was very unhappy with 'watch' and had played with it awhile but couldn't think of anything that would fit. Your suggestion now has me looking at other alternatives. I do love the alliteration and inner rhymes scruntinize/lives, which seems to bounce nicely off of one another. I will be playing with that.

Also, good eye, Lori, thank you for catching my typo, I have no idea what silence was capped, but I hadn't seen it or noticed it till you brought it to my attention! Thank God for critique and great friends! :)

Big Hugs, Liz

Wow Liz! -- I have arrived late here and have nothing to say except this is powerful and well crafted (and I can relate!)


To merely exist ... sitting in silence,
counting down days until one becomes none
has weakened my will. It makes no sense
to merely exist, sitting. In Silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist, sitting in silence
counting down days? I have become no one.

That last line is awesome, poweful and poignant!

I think I prefer Senescent for the title for its conciseness.

Great work Liz!

Hugs Snow

I keep coming back to this. The others have added great feedback,and you havr esponded in an admirable way. Congratulations. I thik you have a winner here!

For what its worth, I prefer 'watch.' There's an element of passivity in 'watch' that shows this person's distance from active participation in life.

I've voted for a title too. But by any title, the poem is a great!

Hugs, K

ANother short title could simply be 'Days' ....

Days .... Hmmmm.... Perhaps if I am going to go for very short, maybe ... Solitude. Hmmm... Thanks Lori for coming in and stirring my thoughts... I do like counting the days....

I will have to keep looking ... Hugs, Liz