Eyes carefully close... don't peek.
Fingers rise, inch upwards, thread each silky strand.
Now go lower-- caress-- seek,
in this dark niche where we stand,
the softness brushed beneath a wandering hand.

Night's song bend us with your beat,
shifting our pace to your dulcet rhythmic tune.
Wet grass, cool this building heat.
Longing, flow into the dune
of time. From your magic we are not immune.

Fireflies, join to pave our way
with your flickering light... Ritual begin!
Stems call the seeds as you sway
and gavotte in blessed sin
while poppy seeds scatter riches from within.

Hi Dani,

I wish at this time to only consider the following:

Night's song bend us with your beat,
shifting our pace to your dulcet rhythmic tune.
Wet grass, cool this building heat.
Longing, flow into the dune
of time. From your magic we are not immune.

Because I wish to put "beat" at end of line two, I suggest interchanging first two lines and their last words.

Shifting our pace to you dulcet rhythmic beat,
nights' song bend us with your tune.

I'll probably be back.

Don

Hi Dani,

I'll leave the comments / help with form to others. nevertheless, congrats for your first attempt.

The poem itself is very good. The erotic aspects are beautifully woven with the environment. Very clever and very well written.

Much enjoyed, thank you.

J.

Hi Dani

Well done for your first attempt at a Lira.  As James said, this poem is very sensual and I like the way you create nature's accompaniment to the eroticism.

Thanks for the read

Nina

Hey Don,

It's been a while since you've tackled my work. :)

I do find your suggestion to work better, but the problem is that it will chnage the form. This is a Lira which consists of 5 lines with a syllabic count of 7,11,7,7,11.....

So with that in mind, can you propose something that will work better? I'm willing to better this with you insight... :)

Hugs
Dani

Hi James,

I'll leave the comments / help with form to others. nevertheless, congrats for your first attempt.


>>> I think you've earned that lift your feet up and enjoy. I'm glad you think my first attempt was good.

As a matter of fact, I introduced this form at another site 4 years ago. We opened a training thread and one member became better at it than I could ever be. :)

The poem itself is very good. The erotic aspects are beautifully woven with the environment. Very clever and very well written.

Much enjoyed, thank you.

>>> Thank you James for the praise. I find most aspects nature to have an instinctful eroticism than contains a certain magic when tapped into it. I'm glad this worked. :)

Dani

Hey Nina,

Well done for your first attempt at a Lira.  As James said, this poem is very sensual and I like the way you create nature's accompaniment to the eroticism.

Thank you so much... It means a lot that you find the interwoven connection with nature as sensual as I had intended it to be. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Thanks for dropping in.

HUgs
Dani

QUOTE(Siren @ Feb. 12 2006, 05:31)

Hey Don,

It's been a while since you've tackled my work. :)

I do find your suggestion to work better, but the problem is that it will chnage the form. This is a Lira which consists of 5 lines with a syllabic count of 7,11,7,7,11.....

So with that in mind, can you propose something that will work better? I'm willing to better this with you insight... :)

Hugs
Dani

Hi Dani,

Sorry, I did not mean to shatter the glass holding the wine.

I shall be back.

Don

O please Don,

Don't ever be sorry. I have an idea... I will work on another form of this poem... So keep your suggestions coming... I'd love to see what you can help inspire using this. :)

Hugs
Dani

Hi Dani,

Previous suggestion to change line endings would also have transgressed required rhyme scheme, which I have since learned from finding rules of a Lira.

I view your presentation as three separate Lira, perhaps connected by sensual theme.  Perhaps the first is most romantically sensual of the three to set the theme for all three.

I usually find your poetry to be sensual and attuned to nature as these are.

It is interesting that each Lira has an entity being invited to join with a silent participant or participants.
Eyes are invited to close, etc.  
Night's song is invited to entertain.  
Fireflies are invited to join.  

I suggest another word for "rise" in second line because it has same meaning as "upwards" in same line.  "Touch" comes to mind, but surely there is a better action verb.

In the second line of the second Lira you may want to exchange "dulcet/rhythmic" toward normal speech.

You expanded my vocabulary looking into dictionary for gavotte.

Thanks for sharing and introducing me to Lira format.

Don

QUOTE(Siren @ Feb. 10 2006, 17:21)

Eyes carefully close... don't peek.
Fingers rise, inch upwards, thread each silky strand.
Now go lower-- caress-- seek,
in this dark niche where we stand,
the softness brushed beneath a wandering hand.

Night's song, bend us with your beat,
shifting our pace to your dulcet rhythmic tune.
Wet grass, cool this building heat.
Longing, flow into the dune
of time. From your magic we are not immune.

Fireflies, join to pave our way
with your flickering light... Ritual begin!
Stems call the seeds as you sway
and gavotte in blessed sin
while poppy seeds scatter riches from within.

I made some very minor suggestions where the rhythm seemed to hiccup for me. However do not feel compelled to use them. I am sick with a cold and might not be getting this as you intend it. I am sorry I did not have the patience to do a proper critique. I need to go to bed.
Cyn



Careful eyes will close, not peek,
while fingers rise to thread each silken strand.
Lower to carress, to seek
this dark niche in which we stand,
where softness brushed beneath a wandering hand.

Night's song, bend us with your beat,
shift our pace to meet your dulcet rhythmic tune.
Wet grass, cool this building heat.
Longing, flow into the dune
of time. From your magic we are not immune.

Fireflies, join to pave our way.
With flickering light, let ritual begin!
Stems, call the seeds as you sway
and gavotte in blessed sin,
while poppies scatter seeds, riches from within.

Don,

Thanks for getting back to this. I'm sorry for being late in responding to you. I'm overjoyed to have introduced you to this form and gave you a new word to look up... :) I will keep your thoughts in mind and see what I can do to perk this poem up.

Yes this is a series of Lira joined together by theme... Lira is constructed of only 5 lines. I also know it is unnecessary to rhyme in a Lira. I'll be back...



Cyn,

Thanks for getting to this despite your illness. I am confident that you are way on the mend by now. (or at least I hope so) I will keep your suggestions in mind, TY so so so so much!

Hugs
dani

Nope still sick. Bronchitis now I think :-(

Hi Cyn,

Gack!  You're goin' the wrong way. Turn around and get well.

Don

Hi Daniah.

Congratulations on your first Lira!

The tension builds and your word choices are well matched to the pattern the form requires.

The only nit I spied is the same one that Don mentioned.

In this stanza:

Night's song bend us with your beat,
shifting our pace to your dulcet rhythmic tune.
Wet grass, cool this building heat.
Longing, flow into the dune
of time. From your magic we are not immune.


Why not flip L1 and L2 with this alteration instead?
[add] {delete}

Shifting our pace to your dulcet rhythmic beat[,]
Night's song bend us with your tune.
Wet grass, cool this building heat{.} [;]
Longing, flow into the dune
of time. From your magic we are not immune.


Always a pleasure to read your poetry Dani!  :cloud9:
~Cleo  :pharoah:

Hey Lori,

Finally made it back... I love the suggestions you gave me here about the switch but I am wondering, wouldn't it change the whole structure of the syllabic count (which is what a Lira is based on)?

Thanks sweetie,

Dani

Beautifully misleading words leading to an unexpected climax or is that just my mind