The Gentle Vampire Cometh REVISION (Larry, I removed
"scented." Thanks a lot.

Late evening comes with its nocturnal chill;
mist creeps beneath your door with bolts and lock.
I do not enter with malignant will;
you open up before I softly knock.

I come as friend and lover; you’ll adore
the rush of my desire. Primeval urges seep,
then crash like waves upon an island’s shore.
Are you alone? Your mother is asleep?

Don’t be afraid; I now inhale your breath,
so sweet as though you were a rose in prime;
your throat invites my bite; the kiss of death
that offers life beyond your own short time.

I listen to the turmoil in your breast
and sense your need for more than mortal love;
enraptured you will ride upon love’s crest.
Now come; but be forewarned, yet spotless dove,

held in my arms you’ll sleep in our cold tomb,
not quite in Heaven, yet—not quite in Hell--
for with our love must come such taste of doom.
Already nears the day; my love, sleep well.

Hi Jerry,

Happy Halloween to you too!

Does the poem end with that hanging S2/L1 or is there more?

Larry

This is so sad, lol. Indeed, Larry--I goofed. I have been working on an oil painting, giving my post less thought than might have behooved me. My apologies to you and others who may have wondered what this old fool was doing. Duh~ Best to yu,
Jerry

Now Jerry,

That makes more sense!

Didn't know if you wanted any critique or etc. on your post or if this is just a whimsical piece for All Hallows Eve.

I saw a few places where a "nit" is required but will relent until I hear back.

Larry

Hi Larry,
yes indeed, any suggestions will be welcome. I wrote this vampire poem quite spontaneously and as a fun piece: heaven knows, there's always a a slip up that warrants an editor's keen eye. In fact, I would appreciate it. Thank you, Larry. Take care,
Jerry

Okay Jerry,

Sorry it took so long to get back to this but the past weekend is one of our busiest of the year with our crafts.

As far as critique, let me make a few suggestions which are, of course, the "take or toss" variety:

S1/L2 - "mist weaves around..." sounds like the door is already open. Perhaps: "mist seeps under..."

S2/L1 & L3 - end rhymes don't work very well ( relieve / reef ) although they are "near rhymes". Can you change the wording
to ... "you'll adore" and "island's shore"?

S3/L1 - you might try to exchange the end of this line from "red" which doesn't rhyme at all and is repeated quickly on L2 with "... passion's breath".

S3/L3 - "throats" should be singular "throat"

S5/L2 - If you are going to capitalize "Heaven" then one must assume you should also capitalize "Hell".

I know the crits seem to be picky but there's my two cents for what it's worth.

Larry

Revised version. Thanks Larry. I just lost the original, but I appreciate your help. :) Jerry


The Gentle Vampire Cometh

Late evening comes with its nocturnal chill;
mist seeps beneath your door with bolts and lock.
I do not enter with malignant will;
you open up before I softly knock.

I come as friend and lover; you’ll adore
the rush of my desire. Primeval urges seep,
then crash like waves upon an island’s shore.
Are you alone? Your mother is asleep?

Don’t be afraid; I now inhale your scented breath--
so sweet as though you were a rose in prime;
your throat invites my bite; the kiss of death
that offers life beyond your own short time.

I listen to the turmoil in your breast
and sense your need for more than mortal love;
enraptured you will ride upon love’s crest.
Now come; but be forewarned, yet spotless dove,

held in my arms you’ll sleep in our cold tomb,
not quite in Heaven, yet—not quite in Hell--
for with our love must come such taste of doom.
Already nears the day; my love, sleep well.





Larry,
thank you for the suggested changes. I'm glad you came through with those helpful suggestions. I wrote that poem in a hurry to get it ready for Halloween, without much caring one way or the other, but I think it has some potentials for my collection of spooky poems. I'll make some changes and then re-post it within a day or two. Meantime, thank you for your editorial assistance.
Much appreciated, :)
Jerry

Hi Jerry,

Sorry you lost the original. Next time, just go into "edit" on the original and start the revision above the first
post, then note it as a revision and also note the original version as well.

One other small nit on the revision:

S3/L1 - one foot too long; get rid of "scented". L2 points the reader to the scent of roses.

Good job!

Larry

Thanks for your time, Larry. The "scented" is gone and I guess this write is done--for what it is worth. See you next Halloween or before then. Jerry

Hi Jerry,

Love this one...a sexy vampire, not like the one you posted in FV!

And it makes one think... The last stanza is wonderful. Makes one feel...Well, why not?

You've managed to make the whole piece sound so real. The vampire's desire is remarkably gentle, as the title says. It all comes thru' to this reader as sincere love!

So it's original, too. Doesn't sound so tragic or fearsome. I never see vampire movies anymore. The first one or two were enough for me, ages ago!

I'll only comment that you have the word "seep" in S1 as well as S2. Never mind, just me.

Thanks for sharing this, and I'm so glad you continue to write such marvellous poems, as well as paint.
Cheers, Syl***

Thank you Sylvia;
"I am--Dracula," lol. Too bad you can't hear me sound out that line in a Hungarian goulash-over-noodles voice like Bela Lugosi's, one of the first Dracula movie actors here in the USA. Now, Syl, you just better look out: when I don my black cape and pull it up to eyes and then wiggle my eyebrows, like Groucho Marx, I'm simply irresistible. :)

I removed "seeps" and substituted 'creeps.' So, now I'm ready to scare folks next Halloween. Yes, Halloween has become a big deal here in the States, and I like it almost as much as our pagan Christmas with that obscene jingling of the cash register.

I think the first time I read Dracula was at the age of 12 or 13. After seeing Christopher Lee in The Blood of Dracula, I recall having had nightmares.
Sylvia, thanks for reading my stuff; you are a faithful poetry friend, and I'm glad you enjoyed my Vampire poem. I do hope all is well with you and your husband? Take care, dear Sylvia.
See you soon (without fangs).
Jerry