 O weeping muse - new title - Madness |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Poetry Forums > Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse  |
 Jun 4 13, 13:09
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#1
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 Egyptian  Posts: 327 Joined: 17-May 08 From: San Juan Puerto Rico Member No.: 508 Real Name: Sergio Ortiz Writer of: Poetry  |
revision #2 thanks to Sylvia and Snow.
 O weeping muse Weeping muse... you make me fall into a thick misty river, the tundra where my poems gather. Madness enters on the wind, the jolt of a wild animal thrashing from a spasm, its eyes seek mine in despair. O my first dead— Which winter squall carries my disordered pages, the shroud of tears we will inhabit, the gravesite where all spit their epitaphs? Revision 1 - thanks to Eisa O weeping muse you make me fall into a thick misty river; the tundra where my poems gather. …Madness enters with the wind, the jolt of a wild animal thrashing from a spasm, his eyes seek mine. O my first dead, which winter squall carries my disordered pages, the shroud of tears we will inhabit, the grave where all spit their epitaphs? Original O weeping muse you make me fall through a thick misty river; the tundra where my poems gather. …Madness enters through the wind like the jolt of a wild animal rising from a spasm. O my first dead, what winter squall carries my disordered pages, the shroud of tears we will inhabit, the grave where all spit their epitaphs? ·······  ······· |
  
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Jun 5 13, 16:46
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#2
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi Sergio
It's so good to see you at MM again. I love the vivid images you have created here. QUOTE (saore @ Jun 4 13, 19:09 )  O weeping muse you make me fall through a thick misty river; the tundra where my poems gather. …Madness enters through the wind like the jolt of a wild animal rising from a spasm. Mmm... I think my muse is weeping too. I notice you have 2 through's repeated in close proximity you make me fall through a thick misty river Madness enters through the wind I think perhaps this might sound better: you make me fall into a thick misty river or perhaps Madness enters with/on the wind O my first dead, what winter squall carries my disordered pages, the shroud of tears we will inhabit, the grave where all spit their epitaphs? Does - which winter squall sound better? I'm not sure. Anyway - take or toss anything I have said. It's very good to read you again. Snow  ······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner            |
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Jun 5 13, 17:04
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#3
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Egyptian Posts: 327 Joined: 17-May 08 From: San Juan Puerto Rico Member No.: 508 Real Name: Sergio Ortiz Writer of: Poetry |
Thank you Eisa. I have used your suggested revisions. I am however, looking for a new title. The one I am using now is not very good at all.
I am glad to be back. It's been a long time. I have been writing tanka, which is an entirely different mind set. But now I am back to longer poems. My Best Wishes, Sergio ······· ······· |
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Jun 5 13, 18:40
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#4
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 8,861 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Splendid poem, Sergio. I especially like the questioning tone of the second stanza. Eisa's nits seem just right to me, nothing more need be changed, IMO. Glad to see you posting here again, Sergio! Look forward to more of your work. Sylvia ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner      |
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Jun 6 13, 04:15
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#5
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Egyptian Posts: 327 Joined: 17-May 08 From: San Juan Puerto Rico Member No.: 508 Real Name: Sergio Ortiz Writer of: Poetry |
Thank you Sylvia. It is good to hear from you.
Sergio ······· ······· |
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Jun 19 13, 00:25
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#6
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 8,861 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Hi Sergio!
Great revision. May I just suggest a couple of small changes, to take or toss?? QUOTE (saore @ Jun 4 13, 16:09 ) revision #2
Madness Weeping muse <<<<I think an exclamation mark or else 3 suspense dots would attract the reader in. TorT! you make me fall into a thick misty river;<<<<< comma, so as to flow better. the tundra where my poems gather. Madness enters with the wind; <<<< 'on the wind' is more poetic, I think Eisa suggested that already. the jolt of a wild animal thrashing from a spasm, its eyes seek mine. comma, and then maybe drop down a line and qualify the event, with a word like wretchedly, 'in despair' or 'forlorn'. TorT. Like this: the jolt of a wild animal thrashing from a spasm, its eyes seek mine in despair. (or something similar, to finish your idea) My first dead, <<<<< maybe a dash after dead. Or else as before 'O my first dead!' I like the second choice. which winter squall <<<<<<Then capitalize Which, where your question starts. carries my disordered pages, the shroud of tears we will inhabit, the grave site where all spit <<<<<gravesite is one word. their epitaphs.<<<<<<Question mark, as in your original version. Sergio, this is a splendid poem. Profound. I like the questioning finale. Perhaps Lori will allow me to nominate it for the IBPC competition, if you agree? Cheers, Syl*** Revision thanks to Eisa O weeping muse you make me fall into a thick misty river; the tundra where my poems gather. …Madness enters with the wind, the jolt of a wild animal thrashing from a spasm, his eyes seek mine. O my first dead, which winter squall carries my disordered pages, the shroud of tears we will inhabit, the grave where all spit their epitaphs? Original O weeping muse you make me fall through a thick misty river; the tundra where my poems gather. …Madness enters through the wind like the jolt of a wild animal rising from a spasm. O my first dead, what winter squall carries my disordered pages, the shroud of tears we will inhabit, the grave where all spit their epitaphs? ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Jun 19 13, 05:34
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#7
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Egyptian Posts: 327 Joined: 17-May 08 From: San Juan Puerto Rico Member No.: 508 Real Name: Sergio Ortiz Writer of: Poetry |
Sylvia I have edited using your suggestions and I would accept a nomination. Thank you.
Sergio ······· ······· |
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Jun 20 13, 18:03
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#8
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 8,861 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Hi Sergio! Love your poem! I'm off to nom it now in the correct place. You can still change whatever you please. Lori will be sending you a PM mail for acceptance purposes, but it may not reach you right away. I'm not sure when the deadline for July is. But never mind, it'll be sent asap. Cheers, Sylvia  ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Jun 20 13, 18:10
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#9
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Egyptian Posts: 327 Joined: 17-May 08 From: San Juan Puerto Rico Member No.: 508 Real Name: Sergio Ortiz Writer of: Poetry |
Thank you Sylvia. I am honored.
Sergio ······· ······· |
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Jun 20 13, 19:27
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#10
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 8,861 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
I've just posted your link in the IBPC July noms. I believe you can view it if you scroll down to where you'll see IBPC announcements. Now we have to wait for Lori to approve and send you a PM. Do remember that it's your poem and you can continue to make changes, especially if somebody else pops in to make new suggestions that you like, or you fancy some other wording anywhere. Bye for now, do keep posting! Syl*** QUOTE (saore @ Jun 20 13, 21:10 ) Thank you Sylvia. I am honored. Sergio ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Jun 21 13, 11:09
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#11
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Egyptian Posts: 327 Joined: 17-May 08 From: San Juan Puerto Rico Member No.: 508 Real Name: Sergio Ortiz Writer of: Poetry |
Thank you Sylvia, I'll be reading the IBPC section as soon as possible.
Sergio ······· ······· |
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Jun 23 13, 07:42
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#12
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Congrats on your IBPC nomintion, Sergio!
Should you make any further changes over the next few days, please let me know. Cheers, ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Jun 23 13, 07:44
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#13
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Egyptian Posts: 327 Joined: 17-May 08 From: San Juan Puerto Rico Member No.: 508 Real Name: Sergio Ortiz Writer of: Poetry |
Thank you Cleo, I will let you know if I change anything.
Sergio ······· ······· |
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Jul 6 13, 12:29
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#14
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hello,
Just an update: Based on an email from David at the IBPC, this poem will not be submitted this month representing MM. Sergio has decided to have a different poem from a different board submitted. Cheer, ~Cleo ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Oct 21 13, 19:59
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#15
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 Babylonian Posts: 69 Joined: 24-February 05 From: Houma, LA Member No.: 101 Real Name: Leigh Ann Writer of: Poetry |
Wonderful poem--especially this
"O my first dead— Which winter squall carries my disordered pages, the shroud of tears we will inhabit, the gravesite where all spit their epitaphs?" the only thing that didn't seem to quite match (at first) was " the jolt of a wild animal thrashing from a spasm" but the more I read it, the more it seems to be an integral part of the poem. I love how the whole thing ends on a question--well done! |
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Oct 21 13, 20:51
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#16
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Egyptian Posts: 327 Joined: 17-May 08 From: San Juan Puerto Rico Member No.: 508 Real Name: Sergio Ortiz Writer of: Poetry |
Thank you Leigh Ann. Thank you.
Sergio ······· ······· |
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