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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ Poetry Exhibition -> Plato's Pearls of Wisdom _ Tart! ~ When you've had it! [ Revised 10/18 ]

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 14 06, 09:06

This one will never be published, but I still welcome casual suggestions for imporvement:

Tart!

When you’ve had it!

You’ve searched for a brew to be quenching

your afternoon thirst for sweet-sour

that’s frothy, with no wrenching

rich, bubbly, fruit—power?

Want smooth and creamy

yet full of heart

not dreamy?

Chug a

Tart

!

© MLee Dickens’son 13 Oct 2006

___________________

A D V E R T I S E M E N T
___________________

I've invented an alcoholic beverage ~ Tart! ~ that not only tastes great,
but also improves a guy's ability to be a FED-UP MAN.
This is my promo for my new beverage utilizing these key words:

bubbly
smooth
sweet
tart
quenching
sour
frothy
fruit ~~(y)~~
rich
creamy

Original:
L4 ~ rich, bubbly, fruity power?
1st Revision:
L4 ~ rich, bubbly, fruity pow'r?

Posted by: Eisa Oct 16 06, 17:08

Hi Daniel, I like what you've done with this one and if as you say you'd like some suggestions, I feel the best place for it would be Herme's. Why not give it a try as this is not really a critiquing forum.

Snow

Posted by: AMETHYST Oct 16 06, 18:48

HAHAAA... Wonderfully Written, and so deliciously delightful! Daniel, I think your Ad for a FED UP man could be pushed through out Florida...

There's a lot of non manly men here, looking really fed up!

LOL

Hugs, Liz

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Oct 16 06, 19:37

Well done Daniel with this month's Pandora challenge'!

I think though you might have one extra beat here:
rich, bubbly, fruity power? [shouldn't this line have 6 syllables?]

My Q for this one: is the 'power' enabled 'fruity'?

Cheers
~Cleo

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 18 06, 15:48

QUOTE (Eisa @ Oct 16 06, 18:08 )

Hi Daniel, I like what you've done with this one, and if as you say you'd like some suggestions, I feel the best place for it would be Herme's. Why not give it a try as this is not really a critiquing forum.

Snow

Of course I know that, Snow... and I'm not looking for critique. I'm really satisfied with this as merely a novelty piece for the sake of practice, as some fun pieces are. This is not the sort of 'work' that could be utilized in any collection of poems. I'm only letting folks know if they see something more, just let me know, whether here or privately.

Again, I don't consider this to be a serious piece, and therefore am not posting it for critique.

deLighting in your oversight, Daniel

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 18 06, 15:50

QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Oct 16 06, 19:48 )

HAHAAA... Wonderfully written, and so deliciously delightful! Daniel, I think your Ad for a FED UP man could be pushed through out Florida...

There's a lot of non manly men here, looking really fed up! LOL

Hugs, Liz

Thanks, Liz. It was really fun to put this one together... and several of my co-workers got a kick out of it... and one of them is what some folks here would call a real 'tart'

-- and a very good friend whose paper for a graduate class I'm about to 'edit' for her!

deLightin' to share, Daniel

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 18 06, 16:00

QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Oct 16 06, 20:37 )

Well done Daniel with this month's Pandora challenge'!

I think though you might have one extra beat here:
rich, bubbly, fruity power? [shouldn't this line have 6 syllables?]

You're quite right, Lori. I ALWAYS debate whether to use the apostrophe or not when I want to distinguish how I intend a word to be READ (as to syllables). As you know, some folks say not to, and other folks say to do it. I think, however, in THIS case, I SHOULD include the apostrophe, since a nonet is PURELY a syllabic poem. Though there is no rhyme requirement, I've used rhyme, and in this case, power rhyme with sour... which of course some folks pronounce with two syllables

though I count only one, at least here.

My Q for this one: is the 'power' enabled 'fruity'?

Good question! But haven't you ever been overPOWered by the taste of a particular fruit in a drink? And have you not seen commercials about a BURST of lime or somesuch?

Cheers~Cleo

see now... you've got be Lightly sTARTed!

deLighting in your response, Daniel

Posted by: Jim AKA Rapid-Fire Oct 18 06, 19:45

Had to do a double take on the title to make sure it didn't say Phart..........

If I get fed up, I may have to try one of them "Tarts"

Cheers.........

WRITE ON!!

Posted by: Aphrodite Oct 26 06, 16:41

Hello Daniel,

You have done a delicious job of appealing to all of the senses. :)

I love the shape of the glass too! Quite refreshing.

Well, tarty-tart tart!

Cheers!

Lindi

Posted by: poeticpiers Dec 3 06, 05:35

This is FUN as all good poetry should be Daniel. You made your case I would buy such a brew