Printable Version of Topic

Click here to view this topic in its original format

Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ Poetry Exhibition -> Plato's Pearls of Wisdom _ TRAPPED

Posted by: alice Aug 4 09, 10:21

this was written some time ago. I have changed the title a few times..

As she turns
the sagging mattress moves
Sherry bottles clink under the bed
and a line of dirt, wall to wall
fills her unchanging landscape
Once she allowed the tug
of hands in matted hair
welcomed it
now the throb of neglect rips and tears
clinging to her neck like a warm artery
Images buckle themselves to her heart
And little secrets push shadows into her lungs
until she can hardly breathe
Red liquid runs from her mouth
And as sleep takes shape
She figures she’d rather look through a bottle
Than be trapped on the outside

Alice44

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Aug 18 09, 19:28

Wow Alice44,

I really like the metaphors used here in this one. I can envision this sad woman, perhaps beautiful and in love at one point in her past, discarded like a used paper towel trashed. The clinking of the bottles hints at drowning sorrows, the matted hair, dirt and unchanging landscape - all seem to point to an unkempt disposition, perhaps caused by depression from being dumped or just unloved. Neglect is a great buzz word here.

I really think this part sums it up:
And little secrets push shadows into her lungs
until she can hardly breathe

Enjoyed the read,
~Cleo

Posted by: ohsteve Aug 18 09, 20:19

Alice, I enjoyed this tremendously, I liked the metaphors too,
especially the shadowed lungs and breathing.
I know this is not a place for critique so won't mention my pet peeve...lol.

Steve

Posted by: Thoth Aug 27 09, 15:33

Alice,
This is one power poem!!

The imagery so precisely describes the type it scares me. I had some nasty experience of this some years ago with what we termed "the wicked stepmother" .

This poem really deserves some accolades, the best I've come across in some time! It's tragic, real and packed with emotion. One feels the depths of despair.

Hugs,
Wally

Posted by: Merlin Nov 7 09, 18:43

Hello Alice44,
and I trust the other 43 are well too.
The evils of addiction - we probably all know somebody down that road.
Many's the time it's a one-way road.

Merlin

Posted by: Sekhmet Nov 8 09, 03:36

Hello Alice - an evocative description of absolute degradation, and a chilling reminder of where drink can lead.
Yet, I worry about why you return, so often, to rename a poem written such a long time ago. It was well recieved as it stood. None of my businees, I know. I am hoping that it is simply that you are, rightly, proud of this excellent poem.
Leo