Printable Version of Topic
Click here to view this topic in its original format
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse _ Attempting a Portrait
Posted by: Ali zonak Aug 9 17, 19:35
|
Attempting a Portrait
Your hair is soft. Gossamer would feel coarse
against my cheeks. Your locks, splendidly fine,
would throw fair Venus into fits of jealousy
By daylight, when you are awake, I must
attempt to paint your portrait in oil, but I know
that once again my skills shall fail me.
Do I render this flower in radiant colors to achieve
such lovely bloom? Still, I should have failed
to do you justice. Paint those parting lips?
Ah! I must touch them and look into your eyes—
eyes that enhance your features, like the stars
that serve to beautify heaven. But you are asleep.
Posted by: Eisa Aug 11 17, 14:04
Hi Ali,
I am presuming that you painted the beautiful portrait? You are so talented!
On first read I can see nothing much to nit-pick in your lovely poem, which is a great match to the picture..
Your hair is soft. Gossamer would feel coarse
against my cheeks. Your locks, splendidly fine,
would throw fair Venus into fits of jealousy
By daylight, when you are awake, I must
attempt to paint your portrait in oil, but I know
that once again my skills shall fail me.
Do I render this flower in radiant colors to achieve
such lovely bloom? Still, I should have failed Perhaps 'still' could be deleted for conciseness?
to do you justice. Paint those parting lips?
Ah! I must touch them and look into your eyes—
eyes that enhance your features, like the stars
that serve to beautify heaven. But you are asleep.
I found the ending a little abrupt (but not in a bad way) Perhaps change to 'A pity you are asleep'
Take or toss, Ali - that might just be me. A beautiful poem & picture. I enjoyed.
Eira
Posted by: Ali zonak Aug 11 17, 14:31
I am presuming that you painted the beautiful portrait? You are so talented!
On first read I can see nothing much to nit-pick in your lovely poem, which is a great match to the picture..
Your hair is soft. Gossamer would feel coarse
against my cheeks. Your locks, splendidly fine,
would throw fair Venus into fits of jealousy
By daylight, when you are awake, I must
attempt to paint your portrait in oil, but I know
that once again my skills shall fail me.
Do I render this flower in radiant colors to achieve
such lovely bloom? Still, I should have failed Perhaps 'still' could be deleted for conciseness?
to do you justice. Paint those parting lips?
Ah! I must touch them and look into your eyes—
eyes that enhance your features, like the stars
that serve to beautify heaven. But you are asleep.
I found the ending a little abrupt (but not in a bad way) Perhaps change to 'A pity you are asleep'
Take or toss, Ali - that might just be me. A beautiful poem & picture. I enjoyed.
Eira
Hi Eira;
I like your suggestion "A pity . . . ."
For me, creating a perfect ending is about as difficult as adding the final touch to a painting--which in this case was my signature. I took a photo of my old painting before even adding my signature to it. Yes, it's mine, only one of several. It is of sentimental value to me. Thank you for reading my poem and your suggestion.
Ali
Posted by: Psyche Oct 1 17, 02:22
Hi Ali,
I've come over for a visit after a long time.
And I've been fortunate in finding this lovely painting, as well as what appears to be a true love poem.
Beautifully achieved, both of them.
The ending sounds sad, I don't know whether "asleep" may mean that this beautiful lady has passed away... After all, she would awaken and could be painted then.
Never mind, I've probably opened my mouth and put my foot in it. Please forgive.
So glad you shared these two sentimental works of art with us.
Best wishes,
Syl*** 
Posted by: Ali zonak Oct 5 17, 14:12
Hi Ali,
I've come over for a visit after a long time.
And I've been fortunate in finding this lovely painting, as well as what appears to be a true love poem.
Beautifully achieved, both of them.
The ending sounds sad, I don't know whether "asleep" may mean that this beautiful lady has passed away... After all, she would awaken and could be painted then.
Never mind, I've probably opened my mouth and put my foot in it. Please forgive.
So glad you shared these two sentimental works of art with us.
Best wishes,
Syl***
Pleased to see you again, Sylvia'
yes, I wrote that poem in one of my sentimental moments--or should I say, a moment of deepest appreciation of my wife and the many joyful years we have spent together. We both are well--although I just got out of the hospital due to a complicated upper respiratory infection from which I'm recovering splendidly. Thank you for your lovely comment, Sylvia.
Ali
Powered by Invision Power Board (http://www.invisionboard.com)
© Invision Power Services (http://www.invisionpower.com)