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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse _ Warm Coverlet ***
Posted by: Psyche Jun 25 14, 01:28
Snowflakes float in all directions:
fragile, hapless crystals
borne by chancy breezes
less stable than the heart in bloom.
Giddy water molecules
transformed into asymmetrical hexagons,
ascending, not descending,
flippant towards Chaos' rules.
One heart beats erratically,
attuned to nature’s dance
from a lofty metal bed.
Quilted and pillowed,
eyes open and close,
gaze at gauzy air.
Heart is not hampered
by diffident frozen droplets,
a myriad of them
tracing patterns on steamy
window panes,
cautioning shaded, languid eyes.
Soothing waterless tears
shed by banished hearts
on white cotton robes
in harsh winter clime…
Will snow keep this heart cozy,
under a geometric patchwork
stitched by chuckling old ladies?
God’s creatures slumber
beneath snow’s warm coverlet.
By Psyche
Changes: 'gazing' to 'gaze', S3
'exilic' to 'banished', S5 Thank you, Jerry.
'lie dormant' to 'slumber', S6
Dropped lines after "clime" to make new S. Tx Snow!
© Sylvia Evelyn, Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia, 2014.
Note: Southern Hemisphere, Winter Solstice on June 21st.
Posted by: jerryk Jun 25 14, 07:14
Hi Sylvia;
first off, I like your poem very much; secondly, I find it difficult to critique a well-thought-through poem just for the sake of changing words and phrases around. It would be as pointless as someone suggesting changes to E. A. Poe's "The Raven," which the master had revised a number of times after publication. Although I've added my thoughts to your lines, only you, the poet, will know how to improve your poem--if needed. Let's see what others have to say. Great to see your poem, sylvia. 
Jerry
fragile, hapless crystals
borne by chancy breezes
less stable than the heart in bloom. (I like the figurative language at the end of this line)
Giddy water molecules (giddy is a good description)
transformed into asymmetrical hexagons,
ascending, not descending,
flippant towards Chaos' rules.
One heart beats erratically,
attuned to nature’s dance
from a lofty metal bed.
Quilted and pillowed,
eyes open and close,
gazing at gauzy air. (I almost want to say "gaze" without the -ing ending. Not sure.)
Heart is not hampered
by diffident frozen droplets,
a myriad of them
tracing patterns on steamy
window panes,
cautioning shaded, languid eyes.
Soothing waterless tears
shed by hearts exilic (shed by banished hearts) ??
on white cotton robes
in harsh winter clime…
Will snow keep this heart cozy,
under a geometric patchwork
stitched by chuckling old ladies? (I love this line)
God’s creatures lie dormant
beneath snow’s warm coverlet.
By Psyche
© Sylvia Evelyn, Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia, 2014.
Note: Southern Hemisphere, Winter Solstice on June 21st.
Posted by: Psyche Jul 6 14, 22:54
Dear me, my good friend Jerry, I'm finding it impossible to keep up with the activities I most enjoy. That's all wrong...aargh! 
First, thank you for your praise and for mentioning "The Raven", another poem that I knew by heart in my, er...younger days. 
And I like your suggestions. "Gaze" will do fine, and I think I'll also use "banished hearts". Better flow, tx! 
Must off to read at least a couple more poems in this forum before toddling away to bed...LOL... 
Cheers, Syl***
Posted by: Psyche Jul 20 14, 23:56
Thank you, Jerry, for your suggestions. I've used both of them.
I've been awaiting others' comments, but none have been forthcoming.
Never mind, FB seems to be a powerful challenge to poetry websites.
Do you know of any sites that move faster? That would be interesting. 
I used to learn such a lot here! Living, as I do, in a Spanish speaking country, I have few occasions to speak English. Now that I'm near my daughter, we use English a fair amount, but only when her hubby is at his office. It would be rude to communicate in a different tongue in his presence!
Cheers and tx,
Syl***
Posted by: Arnfinn Aug 13 14, 07:25
G'day Sylv,
My observation I see comfortable old age looking adversity with a tinge of not knowing what to expect in the future .
Regards,
Your friend
John
Posted by: Psyche Aug 14 14, 23:15
Hello John,
Great to see you posting again in these echoing old halls.
And thanks for commenting. I didn't expect anybody to really understand my poem. Don't know whether I do myself. It seemed to be full of metaphors and such, but I'm not sure anymore.
It's midwinter here in Argentine Patagonia. We've had less snow than usual, glaciers are melting and there are mudslides here and there, some dangerous.
The poem is about dying, but hanging on for a while more under the warm coverlet of snow. Today my husband almost slipped away, became unconscious. I don't know what tonight or tomorrow will bring.
Please send up a little prayer for him, John. It's been too long. He'll not recover.
Hugs,
Syl***
My observation I see comfortable old age looking adversity with a tinge of not knowing what to expect in the future .
Regards,
Your friend
John
Posted by: Eisa Aug 26 14, 13:55
Hi Syl,
I'm sorry I've not commented on this beautiful poem sooner, but life has kept me away from MM for a while.
I like the metaphors in this and feel that it doesn't matter if we (writer & reader) don't completely understand every line. A sense of mystery can enhance a poem.
I like the subtle changes you have made. This is a well written poem and I stumble to find anything I'd change.
fragile, hapless crystals
borne by chancy breezes
less stable than the heart in bloom.
This 1st stanza is a beautiful start - lots of lovely 'f' words.
Giddy water molecules
transformed into asymmetrical hexagons,
ascending, not descending,
flippant towards Chaos' rules.
Here the 'chaos' starts the reader wondering
One heart beats erratically,
attuned to nature's dance
from a lofty metal bed.
Quilted and pillowed,
eyes open and close,
gaze at gauzy air.
Heart is not hampered
by diffident frozen droplets,
a myriad of them
tracing patterns on steamy
window panes,
cautioning shaded, languid eyes.
Soothing waterless tears
shed by banished hearts
on white cotton robes
in harsh winter clime�
I'm just wondering if a new line might be a thought here?
Will snow keep this heart cozy,
under a geometric patchwork
stitched by chuckling old ladies?
God's creatures slumber
beneath snow's warm coverlet.
By Psyche
Changes: 'gazing' to 'gaze', S3
'exilic' to 'banished', S5 Thank you, Jerry.
'lie dormant' to 'slumber', S6
� Sylvia Evelyn, Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia, 2014.
Note: Southern Hemisphere, Winter Solstice on June 21st.
[/b]
It is so good to read your work again, Syl. My thoughts are with you in your difficult time.
Eira
Posted by: pixordia Aug 27 14, 03:03
Hello Syl:
I m so happy to find you still writing...I was going through some of my old poetry files and found
a foavorite that you wrote quite a few years back " Child of Patagonia"
I am sorry to see from your writing yhat you are going through a difficult time.
Your writing is beautiful in the way you weave nature to your experiences.
Just wanting to say hello and good luck.
Fond Alohas,
Suzanne 
Posted by: Psyche Oct 23 14, 23:18
Hello Suzanne:
My goodness, somehow I missed this commentary by you, I do apologize. 
Fancy finding that old poem of mine! I'd probably change a whole lot of stuff there. I've a habit of never being satisfied, so my files are fairly full of different versions of "unfinished poems". And now I'm making Spanish versions, as well!! 
Yes, when I wrote this it was touch and go whether my husband would survive. He must have some amazing vital energy. The doctors can't understand, they've pronounced him "dead" many times, to the extent that my daughter even got in touch with a funeral parlor. This may sound like black humor, but it's true. He goes into a coma, barely a heartbeat or pulse...and then pops back! It's been nearly 15 years now. He's mentally ill and has serious heart trouble.
He's now in a good Hospice.
Thank you for your kind thoughts, glad you like my poetry! 
As MM is very slow, I haven't looked around to see whether you've posted a poem.
Hope so!
Fond Alohas to you, as well.
Syl*** 
I m so happy to find you still writing...I was going through some of my old poetry files and found
a foavorite that you wrote quite a few years back " Child of Patagonia"
I am sorry to see from your writing yhat you are going through a difficult time.
Your writing is beautiful in the way you weave nature to your experiences.
Just wanting to say hello and good luck.
Fond Alohas,
Suzanne
Posted by: Psyche Oct 23 14, 23:40
Hi Eira, again!
I'm catching up on MM !! I too have been kept away by "life". So true. Please don't apologise, I know that you've been renovating your home, in the midst of personal problems that pile up. Hey, am I mistaken, or did you have a nasty fall that kept you in bed for a week with lots of pain? Dear me, I hope that's all over and forgotten by now. I believe I wrote you an e.mail.
Getting mixed up...Moving home and adapting to my new life has taken its toll. From big city to mountains and lakes! 
A relief that you think my poem has a sense of mystery to enhance it...not just a big mess...LOL...
Yes, I'll drop that line down as you suggest. Tx! 
And thanks for your kind thoughts. I've just had to get used to Carlos's extraordinary vitality, under all the awful crisis he's been through. Had to change my mindset so as not to be on an emotional roller-coaster.
Here again some apostrophes have messed up. Too bad!!
Hugs, Syl*** 
I'm sorry I've not commented on this beautiful poem sooner, but life has kept me away from MM for a while.
I like the metaphors in this and feel that it doesn't matter if we (writer & reader) don't completely understand every line. A sense of mystery can enhance a poem.
I like the subtle changes you have made. This is a well written poem and I stumble to find anything I'd change.
fragile, hapless crystals
borne by chancy breezes
less stable than the heart in bloom.
This 1st stanza is a beautiful start - lots of lovely 'f' words.
Giddy water molecules
transformed into asymmetrical hexagons,
ascending, not descending,
flippant towards Chaos' rules.
Here the 'chaos' starts the reader wondering
One heart beats erratically,
attuned to nature's dance
from a lofty metal bed.
Quilted and pillowed,
eyes open and close,
gaze at gauzy air.
Heart is not hampered
by diffident frozen droplets,
a myriad of them
tracing patterns on steamy
window panes,
cautioning shaded, languid eyes.
Soothing waterless tears
shed by banished hearts
on white cotton robes
in harsh winter clime�
I'm just wondering if a new line might be a thought here?
Will snow keep this heart cozy,
under a geometric patchwork
stitched by chuckling old ladies?
God's creatures slumber
beneath snow's warm coverlet.
By Psyche
Changes: 'gazing' to 'gaze', S3
'exilic' to 'banished', S5 Thank you, Jerry.
'lie dormant' to 'slumber', S6
� Sylvia Evelyn, Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia, 2014.
Note: Southern Hemisphere, Winter Solstice on June 21st.
[/b]
It is so good to read your work again, Syl. My thoughts are with you in your difficult time.
Eira
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