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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse _ Maneuvers (Revision2)
Posted by: RC James Jan 31 16, 10:40
In the front yard of the small hacienda
three couples swing to the Sonidero,
their rhythmic evening cure.
At the mezcal table, downed bottles
in disarray, literary vaqueros revive,
with elan, their grandfathers’ stanzas.
A wispy woman, downplaying arrogance,
stuns the gathering’s hum-drum thought,
moves to the dancers, all intent on conquest;
her stride holds dark rhythms, rebellion.
In the last blush of light, as if expected,
Zapata appears with spurs jangling,
white horse at the gate.
He bows.
The elusive lady dances to history,
in homage to what might have been.
Revolution possesses the general;
inexhaustible, he senses victory.
(orig.)
In the front yard
three couples swing to the cure
of the Sonidero.
At the mezcal table
literary vaqueros testify
to their grandfathers' truths.
A wispy-thin woman
stuns hum-drum thought
as she approaches the dancers,
seduced by dark rhythms,
her movements deft rebellion.
In the last blush of light
Zapata's fantasma appears,
spurs jangling,
white horse at the gate.
He bows, she dances for history
as we wish we'd known it.
Posted by: greenwich Jan 31 16, 11:11
Very enjoyable, confident poem I enjoyed the pace and nod to history. I would have liked mention of more colours maybe "last blush of blue light" etc
The ability to highlight movement and legend is pleasing as is the economy of the poem
Posted by: Critter Jan 31 16, 22:40
three couples swing to the cure
of the Sonidero.
At the mezcal table
literary vaqueros testify
to their grandfathers' truths.
A wispy-thin woman
stuns hum-drum thought
as she approaches the dancers,
seduced by dark rhythms,
her movements deft rebellion.
In the last blush of light
Zapata appears, spurs jangling,
white horse at the gate.
He bows, she dances for history
as we wish we'd known it.
Quick comments...
I like this, great ending.
Not crazy about the opening line...does not measure up to the rest, even "courtyard" maybe but I am not sure... also" seduced by dark rhythms" seems a bit cliché. I am sure you can do better. But I like this, visual, romantic, and provocative...good job
Posted by: Luce Feb 1 16, 18:50
I also like that nod to history. I not only see Zapata but possibly Isodora Duncan as well. However, I think you're trying to hard to establish the setting for the ending lines:
Front yard? Maybe the plaza or a courtyard which is more Spanish-Mexican.
three couples swing to the cure
The couples may have been swinging but not necessarily touching each other. The upper classes perhaps but not peasant folk. Also, there were dances for men and dances for women. A few they can dance together but not with a whole lot of actual touching.
of the Sonidero.
I never heard of the sonidero being popular during the Mexican revolution. The Mariachi - yes.
At the mezcal table
literary vaqueros testify
to their grandfathers' truths.
I think you're trying too hard here. In the end you're describing drunk Mexican cowboys swapping stories of their grandfathers' day. To further infer the time period of Zapata, you may want to change the cowboys for campesinos instead who are just drinking and talking about everyday things.
A wispy-thin woman
stuns hum-drum thought
as she approaches the dancers,
seduced by dark rhythms,
her movements deft rebellion.
Not quite sure what stunned the audience? You don't describe it. Also, I get the feeling that you're describing Isadora Duncan here. If not, you should think about it.
Note: Isadora Duncan was born around the same time as Zapata and she did travel to South America roughly near that time. You can perhaps hint more heavily that the dancer was her.
In the last blush of light
Zapata appears, spurs jangling,
white horse at the gate.
He bows, she dances for history
as we wish we'd known it.
So what would be history as we'd like to have known it in the end? That Isadora and Zapata hooked up?
Posted by: RC James Feb 2 16, 15:34
Luce - The action is present day, the ghost or fantasma of Zaapata appears. The dancer is anonymous. The revolution would have been successful if history had gone the way I'd like it to have. R
Posted by: Luce Feb 2 16, 21:37
Your original did not have fantasma in it. It looks like you revised the original but didn't mark it as a revision.
The way it was originally worded, I didn't get the impression it was in present time. If my only clue was the word sonidero, well...it really wasn't enough of a clue for me.
Frankly, I liked the poem because it was set during the Mexican Revolution. A chance meeting between Isadora Duncan and Zapata. Both revolutionaries in their own piece of the world.
Luce
Posted by: RC James Feb 2 16, 23:44
Luce - Sorry forgot to mark it revised. I wrote the original in present day so the appearance of Zapata would have been ghostly. It was intended as all Mexican so Isadora would have been out of place in the original. Sorry for the confusions, R
Posted by: RC James Jan 19 17, 18:45
This piece's ending has bothered me for a long time, so this is what I came up with, R
Posted by: Psyche Jan 27 17, 23:32
Hi James,
I seem to have missed this one. Sorry!
Just a few comments, to TorT, as usual.
As a Spanish speaking person, I find some of the "mix" is jarring. You've even used a French expression: elan.
L1. Maybe in Colombia hacienda is the main building. In Argentina hacienda is all of the land owned, including the home. I think that "patio" would be more appropriate if you mean the home, which would be colonial style with a long front gallery. I love them, by the way.
The patio would have a deep well, also colonial style.
S3. I don't relate a wispy woman to "stride" in the last line. Striding would be more apt for a robust or at least a tall, slender woman. IMO. But that last line is very good, I like it.
Interesting piece, highly original. I just have that problem with the different languages that obstruct the flow. I would love to see your Spanish version, I'm sure you have one, right?
Best, 
Syl
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