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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse _ Hope you are my wings Revision

Posted by: greenwich May 25 16, 11:16

Revised

Whilst waiting at the station,
I feel the cold seep through my coat,
my shoes equally follow.
Yet for all of this we live in a palace
where beyond our comforts
the joy of a kind voice
is as reawakening as the bird song,
our garden with Hellebores
compliments this wonderment.
Who needs bells and whistles?
they only compact bearing.
The firmament our kingdom,
faith in nature our beholden.

ORGINAL

I feel the cold seep through my coat,
my shoes equally follow.
Yet for all of this we live in a palace
where beyond our comforts
the joy of a kind voice
is as reawakening as the bird song,
our garden with Hellebores compliments this wonderment.
Who needs bells and whistles?
they only compact bearing.
The firmament our kingdom,
faith in nature our beholden.

Posted by: Psyche May 26 16, 00:08

Hi Antony,

Interesting read. I had to look up Hellebores. I don't believe we have them in the S.H. Always learning from your poems.

As usual, I have some trouble guessing where you are going. But the word usage is lovely, so I'll have to be satisfied unless you have the patience to explain a little to me... That would be much appreciated!

Syl

Posted by: greenwich May 26 16, 10:57

The poem is about appreciating nature
The first line deals with feeling cold. This is designed to relate to feeling mortal. However from this is a sense of appreciation for nature and human goodness is compared to the tranquility of a bird song. Bells and whistles represents modernity the continual search for the best gear
However the poem ends by conforming the debt we owe to nature and its beauty.

Posted by: Eisa May 26 16, 16:31

I feel the cold seep through my coat,
my shoes equally follow.
Yet for all of this we live in a palace
where beyond our comforts
the joy of a kind voice
is as reawakening as the bird song,
our garden with Hellebores compliments this wonderment.
Who needs bells and whistles?
they only compact bearing.
The firmament our kingdom,
faith in nature our beholden.

This is quite philosophical, Antony.

I love the first lines and I feel he cold with your words.

I had to look up hellebores too Good to learn new words.

Eira

Posted by: Psyche May 29 16, 01:02

Thanks a lot for the explanation, Antony. I still appreciate your poem, which has profound meanings.

On the other hand, I feel that you've gathered together both hermetic and metaphorical lines in a way that impedes the reader's understanding of your poem.

I love metaphors, similes, dual meanings, etc., but when it all has to be explained, then I find that a bit of clarity is in order. No offense meant, perhaps it's just me.

Keep 'em coming, all the same!
Syl

QUOTE (greenwich @ May 26 16, 12:57 )