Printable Version of Topic

Click here to view this topic in its original format

Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -> Herme's Homilies _ Emma *** 1st edit

Posted by: Keith Logan Oct 26 13, 20:42

First Edit..

The cleverest of beings, she
knew well what’s best for all,
to keep herself from boredom, just
acquired a living doll.

George Knightley spoke of warning signs,
as did his brother John
but Emma understood much more
and simply carried on.

Acquaintance of her toy improved,
along with poise and grace,
had made the simple lass believe
great love was commonplace.

The mentor still improved things 'till
she split their worlds apart
and only then discovered that
she knew not, her own heart.

Original Posting..

The cleverest of beings, she
knows well what’s best for all,
to keep herself from boredom, just
procured a living doll.

George Knightley spoke of warning signs
and likewise brother John,
but Emma knew much better still
and simply carried on.

Her friend's acquaintance was improved,
she gave both poise and grace,
convinced her that the greatest love
would not be out of place.

She continued to improve things till
she split their worlds apart.
That’s when she first discovered that
she knew not, her own heart.

Posted by: Thoth Oct 27 13, 01:13

Hello Keith

(I see you asked for crits on this one)

I enjoyed this little rhyme on Emma, it starts out well and S2 defines the characters nicely but in S3 it becomes confusing; the words “she” and “her” appear eleven times! and mostly from S3 onward. The reader is unsure who is who in the end.

S3

QUOTE

Her friend's acquaintance was improved, (Who is the friend’s acquaintance?)
she gave both poise and grace, (Who gives the poise and grace?)
convinced her that the greatest love (Who is convinced ?)
would not be out of place.

Also, S3 stars with anapaestic foot which upsets the iambic metre. I hope you find these comments useful. Take or toss as you wish.

Thanks for that lovely poetic take on Emma’s quaint ways.

Cheers,
Wally

Some nits and suggestions:

QUOTE

“The cleverest of beings, she
knew well what’s best for all; (Small tense issue and coupling punctuation?)
to keep herself from boredom, just
procured a living doll.”

QUOTE

“Her friend's appearance was improved, (perhaps acquaintance is the wrong word choice here)
defining poise and grace;
convinced her that the greatest love
would not be out of place.”

QUOTE

“She went on with improvements till
it split their worlds apart
and Emma then discovered that
she knew not, her own heart.”

Posted by: Keith Logan Oct 27 13, 16:45

Hello Wally,

Thanks so much for your time and effort here. I really needed a critical eye cast over this old piece as I was too close to see things myself. I'll post an update soon, based on those useful pointers.

Keith, the happy chappy