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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -> Herme's Homilies _ Scotland Before Penicillin

Posted by: Maggie Oct 21 12, 13:09

Scotland Before Penicillin

The crofter's cottage is filled with wails.
The banshees cry.
The crofter's wife is filled with grief
For he did die.

His body stands in the corner of the room.
How did he die?
His wife says he died too soon,
And she does cry.

The wails echo across the glen.
The neighbors sigh.
The crofter had the whooping cough,
So then he died.

Peggy Carpenter Harwood

Posted by: Thoth Oct 22 12, 03:02

Hi Peggy
Nice to read one from you – it’s been a while (far too quiet here). This one has mystic undercurrents of ghosts, goblins and the hard life that highlanders endured in bygone times. Have you been reading a book perchance?

Not sure if you want a crit or not . . .

Why does his body stand in the corner of the room??

Although technically it has some nits, it is sad and deeply moving. In fact I’m quite inspired to pen a sequel in a Scottish voice. I remember well the way my wife’s grandfather, old Jock Mac Donald spoke. Few could follow his broad accent but I found it quite fascinating.

Hugz

Wally

Posted by: Eisa Oct 23 12, 15:24

Hi Maggie

It's good to see you posting again - you have been missed!

This a moving tale/chant. As Wally has said we're not sure whether or not you want a critque. If you do then place the appropriate stars and I'd be happy to help.

Snow

Posted by: Maggie Oct 23 12, 16:06

Yes, folks, I would like a critique. Is this something new to the site?

Peggy

Posted by: Thoth Oct 24 12, 17:11

Hi Peggy,

Yes, read the notes at the top of the forum. Crits must be requested or else only general comment is given.

You said this is a chant which is really a lyric of sorts. This means that unlike poetry you can use repetition and refrains freely. The structure should be simple and words catchy with a good rhythm. Since it is also a period piece, the reversed syntax can also be excused.

I think you did very well in achieving most of that with the exception of a refrain which I would love to see.

The only part that niggles me is the body standing in the corner of the room. Perhaps you could try “His coffin waits …”

On a general note you may consider cutting out some syllables to keep the metre consistent and I suggest re- arraigning some lines to improve the thought flow. I would move the banshee bit to the end for chill factor and bring in children to hint at further consequences of the dread sickness. That cuts out some repetition too.

The last thing to consider is the “voice” of the narrator. If the chant is to be authentic then one should use vernacular of the people local to the setting (in this case Scotland at the turn of the 20th century) That however is a whole new ball game so I shall leave it alone.

Here are some re-arraigned and edited lines which I hope may give you more ideas to work with. Use or lose whatever from those, it' your poem after-all, Poet.

Hugz

Wally

QUOTE

The crofter's house is filled with wails.
for the crofter's dead.
The crofter's wife is weak and ails
beside his bed.

His coffin waits , there's great dismay;
how did he die?
He went so young the neighbors say,
and children cry.

The crofter died of whooping cough,
he leaves to her.
Across the glen and across the loch,
the banshees stir.

Posted by: Maggie Oct 24 12, 17:45

Hi Wally,

The bit about standing the deceased in the corner I got when I was touring Scotland. It seems that used to be done, aided by rigor mortis.

Like your poem!!

Thanks for the time and attention, my friend.

Peggy