Printable Version of Topic

Click here to view this topic in its original format

Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -> Herme's Homilies _ Laugh Lines (Revised, with thanks)

Posted by: MFK Buckley Mar 6 12, 01:02

Thank you for the crits, I've adjusted happily accordingly. However consider a man who, if chastened, hastens to recall... F

Laugh Lines

If years from now you hasten to recall
my witticisms in another light,
inflections, buoyant once, are apt to fall,
deflecting into peevishness despite
how we are now. (Though I’ve said this before
in other arms, interpretations blurred.)
When we no longer linger I’ll ignore
you passing; it’s both best and most preferred.
But always you will be to me, as now,
endearingly disarmed, without a name.
Should memories of this conspire somehow
to recollect me harshly, you’re to blame:
the heft and cleave of me without the laughter
was all it meant, and all that you were after.

MFK Buckley

Laugh Lines

If years from now you hasten to recall
my witticisms in another light
inflections, buoyant once, are apt to fall
deflecting into peevishness despite
how we are now. (But I’ve said this before
in other arms, interpretations blurred.)
When you no longer linger I’ll ignore
your leaving; given that, don’t be disturbed.
You’ll always be to me as you are now –
endearingly disarmed, without a name.
Should memories of this conspire somehow
to recollect me harshly, you’re to blame:
the heft and cleave of me without the laughter
was all it meant, and all that you were after.

MFK Buckley

Posted by: jerryk Mar 6 12, 09:28

Hi Fran;
it's nice to meet you, and I'm delighted to read your interesting sonnet in the Shakespearean form. I noticed that you rhymed "blurred" with "disturbed" which appear to be near-rhymes? Also, the couplet contains 11 syllables per line, "after" and "laughter" ending on a weak beat. Intentionally? I still struggle with the sonnet forms and wonder whether or not some irregularities in contemporary sonnets are acceptable? Best regards,
Jerry

PS: Oh, boy! I have to read more carefully; of course yours is of the Spenserian rhyme scheme (ababbcbc cdcdee.) Sorry.

QUOTE (MFK Buckley @ Mar 5 12, 23:02 )

Laugh Lines

If years from now you hasten to recall
my witticisms in another light
inflections, buoyant once, are apt to fall
deflecting into peevishness despite
how we are now. (But I’ve said this before
in other arms, interpretations blurred.)
When you no longer linger I’ll ignore
your leaving; given that, don’t be disturbed.
You’ll always be to me as you are now –
endearingly disarmed, without a name.
Should memories of this conspire somehow
to recollect me harshly, you’re to blame:
the heft and cleave of me without the laughter
was all it meant, and all that you were after.

MFK Buckley

Posted by: Larry Mar 6 12, 11:19

Hi Fran,

Nice Spencerian Stanza as usual (and expected). You didn't note any asterisks so I'm not sure if you wanted crits. Enjoyed the double entendre'd title which I'm sure was intended.

I do have a few suggestions which you may TOT.

L1: "hasten to recall" gives the implication of someone wanting to get past a certain mental point whereas if you were to use "labor" instead, it might denote the difficulty in remembering instead of the hurriedness to do so.

L2: semicolon after "light" - it now reads as though "light" is a descriptive adjective for "inflections" instead of inflections being a descriptor of witticisms.

L6 & L8 rhyme endings: I agree with Jerry in that they are near-rhymes and detract from the otherwise perfect rhyme patterns in the rest of your stanza. Perhaps you might consider changing "disturbed" to "deterred". It is a much better rhyme and would reiterate "no longer linger" and "leaving".

Like I say, take or toss. Much enjoyed.

Larry

Posted by: AMETHYST Mar 10 12, 10:06

Oh my goodness, it's my Franny!!!

How have you been? I haven't seen you around in so long and it is always such a blessing to read your poetry. Your poetry along with Mary and some others helped me learn the little I know now, and I am forever grateful.

Anyway ... I hope this finds you doing your best both health, and every other aspect life has to offer... Great title on so many levels. The meat of the poem is forceful and I love the confessional tone, as you so often imploy in your work. I would second the suggestion by Larry for 'labor' over hasten, it gives that 'just right' feel that reflects a struggle to recall the early memories of life, of a relationship ... I especially loved and felt a camaraderie with the meaning of the final 4 lines.

Another swift and skillfully crafted poem that touched me as no other can!

Biggest Hugs, Liz ...

QUOTE

Posted by: MFK Buckley Mar 17 12, 00:00

Well Liz! Darling Girl, how lovely to meet again and how are you? It has been so long it's hard to think about it. Thank you for asking, I am well and all is well. I have far less time than previously to commit to the rigours of critique and thus this is my first foray into this section. I tend to hover over in Challenges just to keep my hand in.

I just dusted off this old thing but very much appreciate both the pleasure of the work as well as nips and tucks thanks to this poet community. Currently my work is entirely Spenserian stanzas... I prefer the constraints of the form.

I'm delighted to know you're in residence here! I look forward to the pleasure of reading you! Hugs right back, Franny

Posted by: Merlin Mar 29 12, 21:08

Hello Fran,
and it is delightful to see your name on the screen once again. What times we had in cyberspace (along with Sue) and the volleys we did. Twas grand.

I've all but given up the critique thing, and what with moving and other adventures, haven't done much with the pen for a considerable while. Also, I've moved into the other camp while still remaining here, and that (FV) has been both learning experience and a new way of looking at the written word.

Wonderful to see you're still with Spenser. I've discovered a few more poets who have used the form during my search for what is FV. There might be a mite of a nudge for me to try some myself.

All's well on the western front. I've left city life for a rural (tiny town) setting, which is my project to fix up and see what happens. You see, more motivation to get the Spens out!

There tis,

Merlin

Posted by: MFK Buckley Mar 30 12, 21:57

Tis you Merlin! Hello wise wizard, how grand to hear from you! It's been so long but volumes of volleys are a testament to good times! I was delighted to learn of your migration to rural life! I've been in my tiny fishing village for a decade now and in this, my sixteenth house, Divine Madness is where I found home. I wish the same for you. Like you, my appetite for serious critique has waned however I have been a regular in the monthly and weekly challenges here. Do visit, it's good exercise and I'd love to see you. The Spenser stanza form continues to intrigue and challenge me. I'll be on the lookout for Sue.

Nothing like spinning a few Spens among friends! Fran

Posted by: jgdittier Apr 4 12, 16:48

Dear Fran,
I've never been good at critiquing or for that matter interpriting goog poetry and those skills have receeded even more over these few years of widowerhood.
However, I still believe i often get the gist of good stuff even if I miss the subtlities.
Knowing the past I truly hope the volleys will return and we might even be blessed with Sue.
I'll not write unless my muses return, but I'll read and I'll enjoy!
Cheers, jgdittier

Posted by: JustDaniel Apr 9 12, 11:40

Greetings, Fran.

Great to see you in this forum, and I do think your modifications have improved an already fine piece. I've not had much desire to participate in critique myself for some time, and I've not had much time even for the challenges of late either, though I hope soon to return.

This is another example of your clear grasp of the Spencerian Form. You have so much to teach us in this.

It's almost eerie (no pun intended!) that this passage simply jumped out at me in this excellent, thoughtful grappling-with-aging piece:

When we no longer linger I’ll ignore
you passing; it’s both best and most preferred.
But always you will be to me, as now,
endearingly disarmed, without a name.

Since my writing almost never has had a visible visit from your pen (I suppose because I'd not been around in the past to volley with you and Sue and Ron and Eric in this milieu -- though I have with volleyed with them often in times past), you may have never gotten to know me. But I've admired your writing from the distance you've kept, and I've even been kind of jealous not to be able to interact with your skills. I hope one day you'll not simply ignore my passing here.

... and by the way, I think your pronoun ought to be possessive ['your passing'], since 'passing' is a gerund which normally is modified by a possessive noun or pronoun.

deLighting in your contributions as I have the opportunity to read them, Daniel