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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 _ ~ The Sparrow and Me~

Posted by: Aggiel Jul 23 06, 21:51

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~The Sparrow and Me~

A sparrow flies to me by light of dawn,
and rests outside upon my window sill.
I rub my sleepy eyes, suppress a yawn,
set out upon a day of mundane drill.

A sparrow perches on my window sill;
unknowing that inside I clearly see:
Out of the blue it sets down, standing still
and adds enjoyment to my morning tea.

A sparrow perches on my window sill;
no whispered note ... its quills a brownish grey.
I wonder if my little friend is ill ...
but then it flaps its wings and flies away.

A sparrow perches on my window sill.
The sun is up, the roosters crow their call.
While waiting for my songster's pure, sweet trill,
a rain begins... pale flowers start to fall.

A sparrow perches on my window sill
and sadly sings its notes; away it's flown.
Entranced, I watch it fly to yonder hill;
again, I'm left to sip my tea alone.

correction :
by replaces at L 1
UNKNOWING REPLACES NOT KNOWING L6
sets down replaces lands there L7
surppress rep...repress L3
yonder.. yon green L 19

Thanks Daniel, Liz & Lori

~ The sparrow and Me~

A sparrow flies to me at light of dawn,
It perches on my window sill.
I rub my sleepy eyes, repress a yawn
and start a day of mundane drill.

A sparrow perches on my window sill;
sits near an observer, that's me.
Out of the blue it comes and stand so still
to watch me sip my morning tea.

A sparrow perches on my window sill;
no whispered note; quills dull and grey.
I wonder if my little bird is ill;
it flaps its wings and flies away.

A sparrow perches on my window sill.
the sun is up, the roosters call.
While waiting for my songster's gentle trill,
it rains and flowers start to fall.

A sparrow perches on my window sill.
It sadly sings, " He's gone! He's gone! "
Entranced, I watch him fly up to green hill;
I'm left to sip my tea alone.

Thanks Cathy

~ The sparrow and Me~

A sparrow flies to me at light of dawn ,
It perches outside by my window sill.
I rub my sleepy eyes, repress a yawn
and set to start a day of munane drill.

A sparrow perches on my window sill;
not knowing there's an observer, that's me.
Out of the blue it comes and stands so still
and adds enjoyment to my morning tea.

A sparrow perches on my window sill;
no whispered note; its quills are dull and grey.
I wonder if my little bird is ill,
but then it flaps its wings and flies away.

A sparrow perches on my window sill.
The sun is up, the roosters crow their call.
While waiting to hear my songster's pure trill,
it starts to rain, pale flowers start to fall.

A sparrow perches on my window sill.
It sadly sings these notes , " He's gone ! He's gone ! "
Entranced , I watch it fly to the green hill ;
again, I'm left to drink my tea alone.

2003

Posted by: Nina Jul 23 06, 23:39

Hi Aggie

How lovely to have a sparrow come and visit while you are drinking your morning tea. It gives a cheery start to the day.

A few thoughts; take or leave as you wish and apologies if they upset your meter.

[add] {delete} comment

A sparrow flies to me at {sunrise} [light of] dawn , ..sunrise and dawn are the same thing
It perches outside {near}[by] my window sill.
I rub my sleepy eyes, repress a yawn
and set to start a day of {tedious}[mundane] drill. ..for meter (I think)

A sparrow perches on my window sill;
not knowing there's an observer, that's me.
Out of the blue it comes and stands so still
and adds enjoyment to my morning tea.

A sparrow perches on my window sill;
no whispered note; its quills are dull and grey.
I wonder if my little bird is ill,
but then it flaps its wings and flies away.

A sparrow perches on my window sill.
The sun is up, the roosters crow their call.
While waiting to hear my songster's pure trill,
it starts to rain, pale flowers start to fall.

A sparrow perches on my window sill.
It sadly sings these notes , " He's gone ! He's gone ! "
Entranced , I watch it fly to the green hill ;
again, I'm left to drink my tea alone.

Thanks for the read. Hope you enjoyed your sparrow's visit.

Nina

Posted by: Aggiel Jul 24 06, 00:33

Hi Nina,

QUOTE

A sparrow flies to me at sunrise dawn ,
It perches outside near my window sill.
I rub my sleepy eyes, repress a yawn
and set to start a day of tedious drill.

So the new stanza one is

QUOTE

sparrow flies to me at light of dawn ,
It perches outside by my window sill.
I rub my sleepy eyes, repress a yawn
and set to start a day of munane drill.

Aggie

Posted by: Aggiel Jul 24 06, 00:35

QUOTE

Thanks for the read. Hope you enjoyed your sparrow's visit.

Yes, Nina and your visit as well.

Aggie

Posted by: Cathy Jul 24 06, 09:21

Hi Aggie!

Such a sweet poem, although a bit sad at the end. Has the little sparrow lost someone do you suppose?

I don't know if you are writing in meter or if you want to keep some sort of rhythm so pay no mind to my suggestions if they mess things up. *smiles*

A sparrow flies to me at light of dawn ,
It perches outside by my window sill. 'it perches on my window sill'?
I rub my sleepy eyes, repress a yawn
and {set to start}[begin] [my]{a} day of mun[d]ane drill.

I see you have 10 syllables per line. But in places it seems to mess up the flow. Maybe 10 in lines 1 & 3, then 8 in line 2, & 9 in line 4? I thought that might smooth it out a bit. And maybe it's all in my head! lol

A sparrow perches on my window sill;
not knowing there's an observer, that's me. 'sits near an observer, that's me'?
Out of the blue it comes {and}[to] stand{s} so still
and adds enjoyment to my morning tea. 'bringing such joy to my morning tea'?

A sparrow perches on my window sill;
no whispered note; {its} quills {are} dull and grey.
I wonder if my little bird is ill,
but {then} it flaps its wings and flies away.

A sparrow perches on my window sill.
{The} [S]un is up, {the} roosters crow their call.
While waiting to hear my songster's pure trill,
it starts to rain, {pale} flowers [softly]{start to} fall.

A sparrow perches on my window sill.
It sadly sings {these notes} , " He's gone ! He's gone ! "
Entranced , I watch it fly [up] to {the} green hill ;
{again,}[and] I'm left to drink my tea alone.

These are only suggestions that IMO (and those are the key words, only my opinion) smooth out the flow. Not knowing how you intend for this to read it may be of no consequence so use or lose as you want. It's still a very sweet poem! *smiles*
Cathy

A sparrow flies to me at light of dawn,
It perches on my window sill.
I rub my sleepy eyes, repress a yawn
and begin my day of mundane drill.

A sparrow perches on my window sill;
sits near an observer, that's me.
Out of the blue it comes to stand so still,
bringing such joy to my morning tea.

A sparrow perches on my window sill;
no whispered note; quills dull and grey.
I wonder if my little bird is ill,
but it flaps its wings and flies away.

A sparrow perches on my window sill.
Sun is up, roosters crow their call.
While waiting to hear my songster's pure trill,
it starts to rain, flowers softly fall.

A sparrow perches on my window sill.
It sadly sings, " He's gone! He's gone! "
Entranced , I watch it fly up to green hill;
and I'm left to drink my tea alone.

Posted by: ArtesiaMeeks Jul 24 06, 10:01

Hi Aggie,

This is a real nice poem.....I like your version, and I like the "tips" you have received as well. My favorite line is: A sparrow perches on my window sill;
sits near an observer, that's me.
Out of the blue it comes to stand so still,
bringing such joy to my morning tea.

Your flow is nice. I enjoyed the read.

AG

Posted by: JustDaniel Jul 24 06, 13:07

Greetings, Aggie. This is a delightful poem about your interaction with a little sparrow. At first I was expecting an interlaced rhyme scheme, when you repeated the 'ill' rhyme in S1L2,4 into S2L1,3. I was expecting you to rhyme abab bcbc cdcd, etc. The repitition, however of a variation of the first line in S2,3,4,5 is an interesting touch, however.

By the way, when one of us revises our poem, I find it most helpful to post the original following it... and I know that you usually do that. It really helps the 'critiquer' to know the progress of the poem; it's a learning process for ALL of us then, methinks.

QUOTE(Aggiel @ Jul 23 06, 22:51 ) [snapback]79384[/snapback]

~ The sparrow and Me~

A sparrow flies to me at light of dawn,
~~It perches outside by~~ and rests outside upon my window sill.
I rub my sleepy eyes, repress a yawn[,]
~~and~~ set ~~to start~~ out upon a day of munane drill.

A sparrow perches on my window sill;
not knowing ~~there's an observer, that's me~~ that inside I clearly see:
Out of the blue it ~~comes and stands so~~ lands there, standing still
and adds enjoyment to my morning tea.

A sparrow perches on my window sill;
no whispered note[...] ~~( ; )~~ its quills ~~are dull and~~ a brownish grey.
I wonder if my little ~~bird~~ friend is ill[...] ~~(,)~~
but then it flaps its wings and flies away.

A sparrow perches on my window sill.
The sun is up, the roosters crow their call.
While waiting ~~to hear~~ for my songster's pure, sweet trill,
~~it starts to~~ a rain begins... pale flowers start to fall.

A sparrow perches on my window sill ~~(.)~~
It and sadly sings these notes, "He's gone! He's gone!"
Entranced, I watch it fly to ~~the~~ yon green hill;
again, I'm left to ~~drink~~ sip my tea alone.

The 'suggestions' I offer are NOT necessarily what I'm saying you ought to say; they are merely thoughts that you might build upon to give a slightly different and more specific air to your gentle piece.

deLighting in sharing, Daniel

Posted by: Rosemerta Jul 24 06, 16:40

Hello, Aggie,

I see others have made suggestions so I will only comment on the substance of the poem, which I liked very much. It reminded me of my parents who sit by a window for breakfast every morning and watch the hummingbirds and chickadees that visit them. There is a gentle flowing peace within your words.

Posted by: Aggiel Jul 24 06, 17:10

Hi Cathy,

QUOTE

Such a sweet poem, although a bit sad at the end. Has the little sparrow lost someone do you suppose?

Thanks Cathy. A sparrow always has a friend or two to lose out in the wild.
I wrote this few years back.I think my muse must have been sad then.

I like your suggestion and have the pleasure to write it out.

Aggie

Posted by: Aggiel Jul 24 06, 17:12

Carol,

I am always happy to share those moments with you.
Thanks a lot.

Please read my revised poem.

Aggie

Posted by: Aggiel Jul 24 06, 17:13

Daniel,

Thanks, when you are here with your golden pen, I sure will add
another good poem to my collection. The rhyme scheme you
mentioned ", abab bcbc cdcd, etc " is interesting, I may try it out later.

Sparrows are cute, aren't they ?

Aggie

Posted by: Aggiel Jul 24 06, 17:17

QUOTE

Thanks , Jackie. people are basically the same all over the world, aren't they
when it comes to watching birds and butterflies.

I like your signature quote.

QUOTE

May the brilliant colors of thy image dance well with the music of thy words.
Be yourself so others may know the real you.
(Chinese Proverb)

Aggie

Posted by: Cathy Jul 24 06, 20:00

Hi Aggie!

You've done a wonderful job with your revision(s). Now I don't know which one I like the best. *smiles* But I guess it doesn't matter cause the story is still the same. And I love watching birds flit about doing their thing.

Thanks for the read!

Cathy

Posted by: AMETHYST Jul 24 06, 21:15

Hi Aggie,

A strong poem with very active images, a storyline that is fresh, natural to the ear and good strong word choices. Right now, a specific form name doesn't come to me, however I was wondering why the continueous repeat of each first line per stanza, but the first stanza is slightly worded different. It sticks out, but it isn't a problem.

some other thoughts to follow

Best regards, Liz

QUOTE

The sparrow and Me~

A sparrow flies to me at light of dawn,
and rests outside upon my window sill.
I rub my sleepy eyes, repress a yawn,
set out upon a day of munane drill.

Very active introduction stanza. The motion of the sparrow flying toward the narrator, a dawning sun; spectacle of morning rising just behind the view and the narrator trying hard not to yawn... to me is very active and innovating... I enjoyed the images, the story it is presenting and unforced feel of the end rhymes. All nicely done.
Some minor suggestions:

L1: perhaps 'by light of dawn'
In L4, did you mean 'mundane drill."

A sparrow perches on my window sill;
not knowing that inside I clearly see:
Out of the blue it lands there, standing still
and adds enjoyment to my morning tea.

L2, 'not knowing' in light of the strong wording through out the poem, felt a little juvenile or clumsey to my ear. Perhaps... unknowing, I inside, can clearly see:
L3, perhaps...
Out of the blue, it sets down, standing still

What a wonderful still shot especially in L4, I have done that dozens of times, and could not have written it so simple, yet capturing the essence of a morning companion as you have.

A sparrow perches on my window sill;
no whispered note ... its quills a brownish grey.
I wonder if my little friend is ill ...
but then it flaps its wings and flies away.

Vivid descriptive, 'quills a brownish grey' Excellent stanza.

A sparrow perches on my window sill.
The sun is up, the roosters crow their call.
While waiting for my songster's pure, sweet trill,
a rain begins... pale flowers start to fall.

Lushious ... A moving, splendor, this is to my mind's eye and my ears... Lovely work!

A sparrow perches on my window sill
and sadly sings these notes, "He's gone! He's gone!"
Entranced, I watch it fly to yon green hill;
again, I'm left to sip my tea alone.

Clapping, Clapping... a somber, sad ending, and yet, lovely at the same time, I love the feel of the narrator returning to her tea, and how aware she/he is now of the 'alone' sense or perhaps loneliness in light of the song the sparrow sings, or that the loveliness of the moment is gone, and the narrator is reflective of the sparrows journey off beyond the green hill, I quite enjoyed the sounds, the images and flow and freshness of a lovely story, with an dual-edged sadness ...

BRAVO! :)

Posted by: Aggiel Jul 25 06, 08:04

Hello Liz,

I knew not of any specific form when I wrote this in 2003.
It's just a rhyme poem with a repeated line through out.
the way I liked it then.

I like your analysis of my poem.

Thanks a lot for the crit. and good comments , the credit of which
should go to Daniel.

aggie

Posted by: Aggiel Jul 25 06, 08:08

QUOTE

Please remember to critique at least 2 poems of other members for every 1 poem you post! Thank you ....

Thanks for this reminder.

Aggie

Posted by: AMETHYST Jul 25 06, 09:01

Hello Aggie,

Yes the revision process has improved on a very worthy poem. Good luck with it...

Also, I am glad to see that the signiture reminder is noticable. I think either Nina or Fran suggested it to remind new member what the basic rules are in the forums, I sometimes am unsure too and so I go put 3 or more to cover my tracks! LOL

Best wishes to you, Liz

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jul 25 06, 19:49

HI Aggie.

Your revisions are beautiful and I think this poem is polished.

Each stanza describes vivid scenes - we can see, feel, hear the sparrow. You've even made me think I WAS the sparrow in this sweet piece!

I have two suggestions for you to ponder below as you wish.

A lovely mood setter which I enjoyed!
~Cleo

[add] {delete}

A sparrow flies to me by light of dawn,
and rests outside upon my window sill.
I rub my sleepy eyes, {repress} [suppress] a yawn, (for alliteration and a softer daDUM)
set out upon a day of mundane drill.

A sparrow perches on my window sill
and sadly sings these notes, "He's gone! He's gone!"
Entranced, I watch {it} [him] fly to yon green hill; (or yonder hill;)
again, I'm left to sip my tea alone.

Since L2’s ‘gone’ and L4’s ‘alone’ are near rhymes and all the other stanzas have perfect rhymes, I suggest the following change to L2 (or something similar) which is a lead-in to L3:
and sadly sings his notes; away he’s flown.

Posted by: Aggiel Jul 26 06, 16:50

Lori,

It's a pleasure to have you here reading my poem
an editing it.

I like a lot of your suggestions and these two lines..

set out upon a day of mundane drill.

and sadly sings his notes; away he’s flown.

Thanks a lot.

Aggie

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jul 26 06, 20:53

Hi Aggie.

Why thank you very much! Glad to be of some help.

Enjoying your latest revision!

~Cleo

Posted by: JustDaniel Jul 26 06, 21:04

You are honing this already nice piece into something very polished and flowing. I think you have a work of art on your hands!

deLighting to watch, Daniel

Posted by: Cathy Jul 26 06, 23:37

Hi Aggie!

I love what you've done with your latest revision! You've had some wonderful suggestions and obviously chose the right ones. *smiles* It has turned out beautifully!!

Cathy

Posted by: Aggiel Jul 27 06, 05:53

Hi Lori, Daniel and Cathy,,

Yes, it cetainly has become a jewel in my possession.
It's made possible with the help from you great comtemporary
poets. Not forgetting Nina and Liz much earlier on
and moral support from Carol and Jackie.

Thanks a lot.

Aggiel

Posted by: JustDaniel Jul 27 06, 05:58

... a gem for a Gem!

deLightingly, Daniel

Posted by: Cathy Jul 27 06, 08:12

One of the great things about MM is it's great bunch of members. You can always count on getting something that spurs an idea and gets the creative juices flowing! *smiles*

Cathy

Posted by: Aggiel Aug 26 06, 14:56

QUOTE

You are honing this already nice piece into something very polished and flowing. I think you have a work of art on your hands!

Thanks Daniel.

Aggie

Posted by: Aggiel Aug 26 06, 14:58

QUOTE

One of the great things about MM is it's great bunch of members. You can always count on getting something that spurs an idea and gets the creative juices flowing! *smiles*

I totally agree with you, Cathy.

Aggiel

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Sep 16 06, 10:54

Congrats Aggie on your wizard award winning tile!

Well done!

~Cleo

Posted by: Cathy Sep 16 06, 11:09

Congratulations on a well-deserved award Aggie! Let's party with the wizards! LOL

Cathy

Posted by: Arnfinn Sep 17 06, 07:07

Hi Aggie,

CONGRATULATIONS ON YA WIZARD AWARD.

The repeat first line in each stanza (sometimes varied) was a good idea, it reinforced your title 'The Sparrow and Me' somewhat like a hidden theme.

regards,

John.

Posted by: Eisa Sep 17 06, 14:43

CONGRATULATIONS AGGIE

I really enjoyed this one.

Snow

Posted by: AMETHYST Sep 18 06, 20:34

Congratulations Aggie,

I give this several thumbs up! A beautiful, beautiful poem! :)

Hugs, Liz

Posted by: Aggiel Oct 6 06, 18:02

Hi Lori,

Thanks a lot for this tile. I am so exited to see
the wizard.

Aggie

Posted by: Aggiel Oct 6 06, 18:11

Thanks Cathy, John, snow and Liz for sharing
with me this happy moment.

Aggie