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Posted by: hellfire Sep 1 10, 12:07

I seek
neither glory nor fame,
the ambitions of youth

In shipyards lay
long forgotten ships
painted with rust
and streaks
of seagull artistry

Their frames
are built
to carry heavy loads

Posted by: Eisa Sep 4 10, 06:54

Hi - just a thought in the last stanza :

I seek
neither glory nor fame,
the trademarks of youth

In shipyards lay
long forgotten ships
painted with rust
and streaks
of seagull artistry

Their frames
are built
to carry heavy loads

As St3 is written as a complete separate stanza then I feel 'are' before 'built' would help the flow.

Snow

Posted by: hellfire Sep 4 10, 12:17

thanks for the suggestion snow

making changes asap

cheers

james

Posted by: bombadil1247 Sep 5 10, 05:24

Hi, James,

I feel some of the vocabulary choices let this down a little, but a few judicious changes could help it to sparkle.

I have problems with 'trademarks' here; the seeking is the trademark imo and better choices would include talismans/ambitions/targets or some similar word.



In l.1, I would have used 'lie' rather than 'lay' but that is just a personal preference, not a nit per se. My real concern is with the 'seagull artistry'; I know exactly what you mean, just feel there is a better way of saying it, perhaps 'seagull-tagged graffitti' or similar?



It's 'heavy' here that gives me pause since it doesn't really contribute anything; if you used the comparative 'heavier' it can refer back to the rust/graffitti and the glory/fame lines.

Just my thoughts of course, yours to use or lose as usual,
Jim

Posted by: AMETHYST Sep 6 10, 02:36

Hi James,

I liked this. I liked the essence of it, but unfortunately by poem's end I was a bit disappointed that it didn't take me anywhere. The ending didn't bring a revelation or an seen point of discovery or a connection to S1 where it offers an insight into the narrator and a sense of youth, and the shipyards and the ships. I could see a possibility that the final line, might compare the ability that both the "youth' and narrator have heavy loads to carry, and compare themselves to forgotten ships. If so, perhaps that can be made clearer. Otherwise, I enjoyed most of your images. I agree with Jim, that 'trademarks' is not the best word choice; however I thought seagull artistry was fresh. Again, if the word artistry connected with either stanza 1 or the final stanza about art in some way, It would empower it.

Best Regards, Liz

Posted by: hellfire Sep 7 10, 03:33

thanks Jim

appreciate the feedback. I must admit, was not satisfied with "trademarks" I think your suggestion suits the piece much better.

much appreciated

regards

james