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Posted by: ohsteve Aug 18 10, 18:54

What a Trip

An eternity structure with azure sparkle
sits on the space dock, pulling at the wind.
Ruthless in it's aftermath of swirling heads
an artifact that scarf's on woolen dreams.
No eternal reward will waste the dawn,
nor mark our stones with faded words of
who we once were. I can not empathize,
only realize I got wasted on the way.

Words in order of use.

eternity, structure, azure, sparkle, dock, pull, ruthless, after, head, scarf,

18 Aug 2010
© Steve Pray

Posted by: Psyche Aug 26 10, 16:43

Hi Steve!

I like this poem very much indeed. Once again, you're on the verge of R&F, but I'm not really qualified to help you in that aspect.


This is very profound, about life & death, I think. I need to read it several times, but perhaps you could explain a little to help me. It seems to me that "the trip" is a metaphor for life. I find it powerful. Your poem inspires marine visions in my mind. I'd love it if you were to explain the 'eternity structure with azure sparkle' to me, not because I don't have some inklings of my own...just don't want to put my foot in it...LOL....

I love your usage of 'scarf' as a verb, it's not at all common. I think you've made excellent use of the given words.


I'll be back, Syl***

Posted by: ohsteve Aug 29 10, 04:37

Hi Sylvia, glad you stopped by to read. In my mind an eternity structure can be of indeterminate size, though most boos I read have them as being huge. They have been around forever with little wear. But nobody seems to know how to turn them on or off. This one is rather moderate as it can sit on the wayside docks, yet it seems to be causing havoc just sitting there. This could be a metaphor for life, or maybe one for just part of life? Maybe it is just a minute, or an hour, or a day...that is up to the reader to decide. I wondered how many would catch the fact of scarf as a verb, but it works very well within the context. I would also call the structure an odd form of modern art twisting and turning within it self, so why not add some azure sparkle...lol. Always glad to see you in my posts Sylvia. I do hope all is well with you and yours. I think I might be on the verge of having to get some new medications, I find that the ones I have been taking don't seem to help as much any more, and I think I am going to have to submit myself to have some one come in daily to help me take care of myself, it just hurts so much to even get out of bed and I have a hard time standing just to brush my teeth. I am constantly falling asleep now. and my lungs up along the sides are telling me they really hurt, especially the side the biopsy was done. I am spending more time reading, hard to write much with the way my hands hurt. Still able to do some painting so that helps. The big 60 is monday, my children all asked m what I would like and I told them just a new body would work fine for me. LOL>
Love ya all
take care
Steve

Posted by: AMETHYST Aug 30 10, 00:33

Hi Steve,

Fresh and interesting subject to offer here. I was intrigued by your use of the challenge words and how they just blended into the poem without feeling forced or intrusive. I have never heard of an eternity structure, so it was enlightening to me to read your reply as well.

The title is magnificent. I also felt the motion within the images are your hook for the reader. Possibly in L1, 'in azure sparkle' Very minor and not really a nit at all. Perhaps at end of L3 a comma - Other than those small nits I rather enjoyed this, mostly I must applaud the final line. There is such a double meaning in the use of 'wasted' ... and I had to smile.

Thank you for this one. I really enjoyed it and have little more to offer to improve it. I rather like it the way it is.

Best Wishes, and big hugs, Liz

Posted by: Eisa Aug 31 10, 16:53

QUOTE (ohsteve @ Aug 19 10, 00:54 )