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Posted by: saore Aug 15 10, 11:35

Only the Rumor


I, who have rarely seen sanity,
or a caravan of Siberian huskies stroll
with their pack through the soft white snow,
have no appreciation for winter's twilight-silence,
or the ruckus of grizzlies ravaging
my provisions.

I ask: Is anyone willing
to put their hand in place of mine
on the chopping block, or their signature on paper
to demand investigations into all that has been stolen
on my passage through this life?

I have not seen tenderness,
nor do I feel excitement upon observing
the child fed from the safety of its mother's hands.
Only rumors of the existence of distant cities,
where harsh winters outlast serene summers,
accelerate the rhythm of my blood.
That chill is mine.

I, who have rarely seen self-assurance, have played
with water and snow. I've wrapped them around
my legs, given them form with my hands like a lover.

I, who am fed-up with listening to wolves
and sleeping under willows, no longer tremble
when they throw down my door to take me
where neither water nor snow exists.
Do you understand? It is nothing more
than a short visit to the crying room
of a psychiatric hospital, a show
to impress the animal
that sleeps beneath
the sheets.

Posted by: bombadil1247 Aug 28 10, 09:09

Hi, Sergio,

I'm surprised this hasn't received any comments so far, I really enjoyed it. It is far more accessible than some of your other pieces, more 'user friendly' if you understand me. I don't have any nits as such but would like to point to a few areas where you might consider alternatives. Strophe 1 is wonderful as is, I wouldn't change anything here.

In line 1/2 here, I think that 'willing' would have more impact as part of l1; just lose 'there' and bump 'willing' up.


I like this strophe too but line 4 stops me a little - I wonder if you need 'of the existence' here; I can see the difference you're making - that the existence is in question - but doesn't the reader understand that anyway? I also think you could lose 'the' before 'rumours without detracting from the sense of the line.


Another good strophe but 'seen' in l1 jars a little - surely we've all seen this in others, at least ostensible displays of same?; 'known' would work there for sense and give the invisible alliteration with 'never' thanks to the silent 'k'. Did enjoy the rest of this strophe, swimming and snow angels?

The last strophe is really strong, particularly the second part, nothing but 'kudos' for that.
Jim

Posted by: saore Aug 28 10, 15:04

Thank you Jim. I really appreciate the help you have given me with this poem. I took all your points to heart. The suggestions were excellent. Let's hope it wins some kind of a competition. It is part of my Oz series, my new chapbook, which is just about ready to send out. I just need to write four more poems to complete 30.

Sergio

Posted by: Eisa Sep 4 10, 06:46

Hi Sergio

Yes - I really like this one as it stands but on reading Jim's suggestions, I feel he has given some good ideas.

In this stanza

I, who have never seen self-assurance, have played
with water and snow. I've wrapped them around
my legs, given them form with my hands like a lover.

I am left wondering if in L1, 'I who have never seen self assurance' - if you are refering to self assurance in yourself or others?
If it is in yourself, then I agree with Jim than you could find a better alternative, eg I, who have never experienced self-assurance.

Best of Luck with the competition!
Snow

Posted by: saore Sep 4 10, 07:01

thank you Snow, yes I followed all of the suggestions he gave me, they were wonderful. The competition, well there are a lot of really good entries from other sites, whoever wins I will congratulate and wish them all the best!

Sergio