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Posted by: Kimi Jun 2 10, 02:19

Comfort in the Sand

They walk the sandy desert
Searching for love, affection.
Empty stomach, empty heart
matted hair, skin with infection.

A young soldier in the desert
weary, alone and very brave.
Lonely mind, lonely heart
losing friends he could not save.

Soldier and dog find each other
seeking comfort in the middle of war.
The maker of the stars looked down with love
for He knew each was worth fighting for.

Kim Rodriguez

Posted by: Alan Jun 3 10, 03:58

Dear Kimi,

I want you to know that I read your poems, but find it very difficult to comment as you clearly have a strong faith which I simply do not share. I feel I would be treading on egg-shells, and although you may well say you're OK with that, I feel I am not ....

Love
Alan

Posted by: merle Jun 3 10, 12:23

Hello Kimi -

I think you have a wonderful idea here...how both the soldier and dog are able to endure hardships. It is very common for new writers to 'tell' a story rather than 'show' a story and that's what you've done....told us rather than shown us. I believe you are on the right track (showing) with the title of your poem, Comfort in the Sand (great title). Take a look at Anaisa's poem, Balboa Summers, it's a perfect example of how to show a story. And practice, practice, practice...you'll get there!

Robin

Posted by: Peterpan Jun 3 10, 13:07

Love it. I will be back.

Hugs

Bev

Posted by: Kimi Jun 3 10, 23:18

QUOTE (Alan @ Jun 3 10, 04:58 )

Posted by: Kimi Jun 3 10, 23:21

Robin,
Thank you so much for sending me to anaisa's poem, i read it over and over and am getting a feel for showing and telling. It was a perfect poem for me to see the difference. showing and telling is something i was not aware of and i can see how it changes the poem.
many thanks.

hugs
kimi

Posted by: Kimi Jun 3 10, 23:23

QUOTE (Peterpan @ Jun 3 10, 14:07 )

Posted by: Alan Jun 3 10, 23:51

Dear Kimi,

Thank you. The main thing I hope to do is even more basic than technical. The sort of kind and helpful comments you've had here might put a new writer off, but please do not let this happen to you.

All of us bother to point out things like show/tell BECAUSE we see merit in your work, rather than the opposite. There are plenty of poetry sites where some specialize in tearing work, and the poet, to pieces, why, I do not know.

Here, it is rather like a jeweller polishing up a diamond in order to bring up the highlights, and to reveal the true worth in a rough gem.

So take this as huge encouragement, rather than a downer ! You clearly have something to say, which is the first requirement of a poet, so keep saying it !

Love
Alan

Posted by: Daniel Barlow Jun 4 10, 12:09

Hey kimi,

don't sweat it, it seems like you're open to learning, and that's a good attitude to have.
I think the key things in this are the beatdown, the bedraggled solider and dog, loss, displacement, but as mentioned, these things are sort of put there almost because they are meant to tug at the heart' strings rather than being explored or earning their keep. I'd try another one.

db

Posted by: Eisa Jun 4 10, 17:43

Hi Kimi

I really like the thoughts behind this piece and feel it can easily be improved. Some things to remember:

Try to find different words from the more usual.
Try not to use similar words together that mean more or less the same.

Here are some thoughts for you to consider (I’ve also tried to smooth the flow):

Comfort in the Sand

I love this title, it's so appropriate!

They [walk] trudge the [sandy] baking desert
Searching for love, affection.
Empty stomach, empty heart
matted hair, skin with infection.

L1 –perhaps something like ‘trudge’ instead of walk.
A desert is sandy, so find another description – perhaps baking/red-hot

L2 love & affection have similar meanings

Here is a different way of saying yout thoughts:

They trudge across the baking desert
searching solace and affection
stomachs gnaw with emptiness
bodies aching with infection.


A young soldier in the desert
weary, alone and very brave.
Lonely mind, lonely heart
losing friends he could not save.

Personally I’d miss this verse out as you’ve said much of it in Verse 1 and it says nothing new


Soldier and dog find each other
seeking comfort in the middle of war.
The maker of the stars looked down with love
[for He knew] knowing each was worth fighting for.

I think this stanza need to be more descriptive

I love 'the maker of stars' - can be more concise as 'star maker.

A lost dog finds the soldier, wags his tail
with pleasure to find friendship in the war.
The star-maker looked down with love
knowing both were worth fighting for.

I hope something here helps in some way.

Snow

Posted by: Kimi Jun 4 10, 23:38

QUOTE (Alan @ Jun 4 10, 00:51 )

Posted by: Kimi Jun 4 10, 23:41

Daniel,
Thank you very much for your feed back, and yes I understand and will start working on another one, I will try to use showing and not so much telling.
hugs kimi

Posted by: Kimi Jun 4 10, 23:45

Dear Snow,
Your critiques have helped so much. I hope you dont mind that i printed them off to keep. I really like the changes you made and can see the difference between the two. Choice of words make or break it, and I need to stay away from the basic terms and not repeat myself.
Thank you so much.
hugs kimi

Posted by: anaisa Jun 5 10, 11:09

Hi Kimi,

This is a nice poem.
I just wanted to add that Snow's critique seemed to make it
much more concise, can't wait to see your revision!

K

Posted by: Kimi Jun 5 10, 15:20

Hi Anaisa
Thank you, I two feel snow's critique helped a great deal, I am currently working on a revision. I hope to have it done soon.
hugs kimi