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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 _ Rings of Circumspection [revised 03 Oct 2009]

Posted by: Thoth Aug 12 09, 10:28

This was inspired by Alice's Haiku. (I can complicate anything) W

Rings of Circumspection

Rev1

There’s a woman bent and weeping
from her harbour mirror peeping,
who although she’s smiling bravely
sees her daughter frowning gravely.

Silver ripples on the water,
smile at me oh mothers daughter,
laughing eyes have changed to sighing
turned to those of someone dying.

Evening shadow fills the harbour;
be my grave, my silver arbour.
Cleanse me with your liquid stillness;
end my fears and heal my illness.

There’s a young girl knelt and weeping
through a liquid mirror peeping
and her tears corrupt perfection
spreading rings of circumspection.

Orig;

There’s a woman bent and weeping
from her harbour mirror peeping,
who although she’s smiling bravely
sees her daughter frowning gravely.

Silver ripples on the water,
smile at me oh mothers daughter,
laughing eyes have turned to sighing
turned to those of someone dying.

Evening shadow fills the harbour
be my grave, my silver arbour
cleanse me with your liquid stillness
end my fears and heal my illness.

There’s a young girl knelt and weeping
through a liquid mirror peeping
and her tears corrupt perfection
spreading rings of circumspection.

Photo by WW Schwim 2009

Posted by: Peterpan Aug 12 09, 14:47

Hello Thoth~

From a blustering Natal coastal town...50 knot winds...and my roof almost blowing off...this poem is not complicated...it is awesome! Well done. I am so envyous of poets applying form. I am sure I will get there one day. The best I can do is haiku etc...perhaps I cant count or my rhythm is bad?!

Excellent!!!!

Keep writing...keep posting.

Bev

Posted by: ohsteve Aug 12 09, 20:19

Wally, a complicated haiku? Yes you certainly did...lol. But what a wonderful complication, to me this reads like Hiawatha in its rhythm, very lyrical. Well done, you most definitely are back with mother muse whispering in your ear.

Steve

Posted by: ace Aug 16 09, 15:52

Thoth:

Vey good rhyme, excellent rhythm but best of all is the extended image. Well done.

ace

Posted by: Alan Aug 20 09, 02:25

Dear Wally,

Could well be me, but I start to read this in a sing-songy sort of way, then run smack into the tragic content !

Otherwise, excellent thoughts, well put.

Love
Alan

Posted by: Thoth Aug 20 09, 13:57

Bev,
Thanks for reading. You can do structured poetry, it is not all that difficult but like everything it requires practice. If Mistral who is Afrikaans could do it then you can too! Trouble is that when we do something new and it is not as good as something that we have practiced for years we get discouraged and tend to give up on it. Determination to succeed is the key.

Hugs, W

Posted by: Thoth Aug 20 09, 14:00

Dear Steve, Ace and Alan,

Thank you all for reading and commenting, your opinions are highly valued.

Cheers, Wally

Posted by: jgdittier Sep 29 09, 15:49

Dear Thoth,
To me, your falling paeonic couplets sound like they could easily fit a tune. Sing-song in poetry is to me poetry's real essence.
Maybe it's because I can't read music or carry a note.
It may be true that this form is better suited to a happy theme, but for me its rolling ripples raise a smile.
Cheers, Ron jgdittier
ps- ever write one in anapests with the feminine rhymed couplets?

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Sep 29 09, 19:35

Hi Wally,

I too envy you your superb poems of rhyme and rhythm. I love the sound of this!!! Excellent job in my small opinion!!!

If you like, I can help with the punctuation. You have more than a few corrections needed.

Keep writing!!! You're great to read!!!!

Peggy

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Sep 29 09, 20:01

Hi Wally,

I'm glad Peggy this one as I hadn't read it previously. Yay! What a FAB picture to be inspired by. Would you mind if I use it for the October Pandora challenge? You could come up with a starting phrase, or a few required words, or even a specific form or max number of lines to respond to if you are interested in my request - let me know!

I won't comment on the PP (ounctuation policing) since Peggy can advise you there. Let's see if there's something that pulls at me...

There’s a woman bent and weeping
from her harbour mirror peeping,
who although she’s smiling bravely
sees her daughter frowning gravely.
Nice snappy opening - good rhythm and rhyme.

Silver ripples on the water, **Your choice of the word 'silver' seems to bump the meter a tad. How about using 'platinum' instead?
smile at me [,] thy mothers daughter,
laughing eyes have turned to sighing
turned to those of someone dying.
**With 'turned so close together, it doesn't actually read badly, but I would like to another word used for one of these IMHO.

Evening shadow fills the harbour
be my grave, my silver arbour
cleanse me with your liquid stillness
end my fears and heal my illness. **Suggest 'cease' in place of 'end' for alliteration to stillness.

There’s a young girl knelt and weeping
through a liquid mirror peeping
and her tears corrupt perfection
spreading rings of circumspection.

Luv it! The ending brings the beginning back to the forefront. Great write, Wally!
~Cleo

Posted by: Thoth Sep 30 09, 05:44

Dear Peggy,

Thanks for the interest and naturally I would be delighted to get some advise on the punctuation, as you know it is one of my many weak-points.

Hello Lori,
Thanks for your comments, always good to get suggestions in a critique forum. The idea for this one came to mind very quickly after reading Alice's senru so it does need some polish. (I found the photo afterward to go with it.)

The metre is similar to that used by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow in Hiawatha and is very lyrical. The falling metre is a minor key so should suit the sadness of the poem (All paeonic beats are lyrical due to the one in four pattern)

Longfellow also used a repetition technique of beginning a line with the last or second last word of the previous line to emphasize that particular word. (Not trochaic as most people think)

QUOTE

By the shores of Gitche Gumee,
By the shining Big-Sea-Water,
Stood the wigwam of Nokomis,
Daughter of the Moon, Nokomis.
Dark behind it rose the forest,
Rose the black and gloomy pine-trees,
Rose the firs with cones upon them;
Bright before it beat the water,
Beat the clear and sunny water,
Beat the shining Big-Sea-Water.

I love this to bits, note the repetition and the paeonic meter, in this case first syllable of four is stressed.
I did this subconsciously in S2 but since it is not supported in the other strophes I should change it as you suggest.

Hugs,

Wally

Posted by: Thoth Sep 30 09, 15:02

Hey Ron,
Thanks for stopping in.

QUOTE

Damm I just can't seem to write a sad tune to the words, and no I haven't tried anapests with the feminine rhymed couplets before. Would it go something like this?

And she sang as she walked from the river
with a bag full of fish to deliver,
now her boys would be wearing new trousers
and the girls shall be sporting gay blouses.

By Jove, I do believe it's quite musical but could do better in ballad form.

Cheers

Wally

Posted by: Sekhmet Oct 1 09, 02:14

What a hypnotic and soothing rhythm this poem has. Each line is a shuttle, passing backwards and forwards on a loom, creating a shimmering, tear stained fabric.
Very beautiful.
Leo

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Oct 3 09, 10:57

Hi again Wally,

Sorry I took so long getting back to you! Was having my computer upgraded for a while.

After reading you poem a couple more times, I find that you only have one stanza that seems to need a bit of corrected punctuation. See below. As luck would have it, every single line in this stanza is a complete thought and should be punctuated either (1) with periods at the ends of all the lines and capitals at the beginning of all the lines or (2) semi-colons at the ends of all the lines except the last line with no capitals at the beginnings of the lines except the first line. Another option I just thought of: (3) You could mix up the semi-colons with one internal line having a period at the end. I used option number 3 below.

Evening shadow fills the harbour;
be my grave, my silver arbour.
Cleanse me with your liquid stillness;
end my fears and heal my illness.

Hope this is of some help. Have a good day!!!

Also, in referring back to Cleo's mention of two "turned's" perhaps too close together, could you use "changed" for one of the "turned's"?

Peggy

Posted by: Thoth Oct 3 09, 13:34

Dear Peggy
Ah, thanks ever so much for those suggestions, I like the last choice too! Will revise soon.

Hugz,

Wally

Posted by: jgdittier Oct 5 09, 08:15

Dear Wally,
Yes you can!!!
Cheers, ron jgdittier

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Oct 5 09, 11:35

Wally!