Printable Version of Topic

Click here to view this topic in its original format

Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 _ AWAKE ALONE(DPC)

Posted by: Dan Culleton Jul 16 09, 07:53

Awake and Alone (revised 8/3/09)

I live alone in a room on East Broadway in America.
It is raining here and the damp intrudes upon
the remembered warmth of this room. The cold
and the silence are your arms reaching for me.
You are in a country now from which there is no escape.
I search the faces in the street for some message from you.
No one meets my gaze. There is an arctic distance between us
which makes all frozen Russia seem a few feet of sun-baked beach.

I wait impatiently at my window for the long black car to arrive,
for the uniformed chauffeur, so silent, polite, to come for me.
I grind my teeth in the dark,
and the clock on the dresser grinds
which measured our nights with such speed:
you keep me awake at whose side I have slept so soundly.

Posted by: Marc-Andre Germain Jul 16 09, 11:48

Dan, I find this to be an engaging and touching piece. The simple & straightforward tone makes it poignantly honest and sincere. And there are some well-crafted visuals and tropes here. I've added a few comments below. I hope they help.

Mark

QUOTE (Dan Culleton @ Jul 16 09, 19:53 )

Awake Alone

I live alone in a room on East Broadway.
>>The address is a good move, I like to know where I am as a reader.
It is raining here and the cold intrudes
upon the remembered warmth of this room.
>>It could be more vivid here, but I'd be careful to preserve the tone of the narrator.
The cold and the silence are your arms reaching for me.
>>This oxymoron line throws me off somewhat, or makes me pause. I'll think that one over.
We came through much together, through many countries.
>>Pure cliche, I'd change the first phrase.
You are in a country now from which there is no escape.
All day I search the faces in the street for some message from you,
no one meets my gaze.
>>Hm, who is the "messenger"? Could this be foreshadowed or be the foreshadow of in another line or two?
There is a cold distance between us now which makes
all of frozen Russia seem a few feet of sun-baked beach.
>>A nice simile, I like it.
All day I wait impatiently at my window for the long black car to arrive,
for the chauffeur, so mute in his black suit,
to hold the door open politely and drive me away.
>>Simple, but effective. Perhaps an extra detail, you know...that one which no one notices but somehow manages to call a whole scene to mind...
All night I grind my teeth in darkness,
and the clock on the dresser grinds
>>Great sound effect here...the clock on the dresser grinds....brilliant move!
which once measured our nights with such speed.
You keep me awake at whose side I slept so soundly.
>>The last two lines round off the poem nicely. Thanks for sharing this excellent read.

Posted by: ace Jul 19 09, 16:18

Dan:

I truly emjoyed these lines; well done. I pretty much agree with Mark's suggestions, but, of course, I have one or two of mjy own:

I would use a semi-colon at the end of line 3 to tie these lines together more closely.
I would also use the semi-colon at the end of line 7.
I would particularly likedf the imagery in lines11-13. Send a chill through.
I might use a full stop after "grinds" And start the next lkine with "It".
I really appreciated the allitertive siftness of the final line.

ace

Posted by: Thoth Jul 20 09, 09:15

Stark reality and despair pour from this piece!
I love how the clips of past memories are pasted in with current activity, it shows how the narrators mind is constantly on his lost love.. The "chauffeur, so mute in his black suit, " is very clevere indeed.

A few nits and some polish needed mostly already spotted by Mark and ace but for me if you could flow the statements and images into each othe more.
Some suggestions to loose or use as you wish;
Note words in red can be deleted.

Best, Wally.

QUOTE

I I live alone in a room on East Broadway.
It is raining here and the cold intrudes (redundant)
upon the remembered warmth of this room. (very good intro)
The cold and the silence are your arms reaching for me.
(Together, )We have traveled through many countries.(and shared ??
(but now)You are (trapped) in a country now from which there is no escape.

All (Each) day I search the faces (of people) in the street,

(Forever hoping someone brings a) message from you.
No one meets my gaze.
There is A cold distance (grows) between us now which makes
all of frozen Russia seem a (like) few feet of sun-baked beach.
All day I wait impatiently at my window for the long black car to arrive.
For the chauffeur, so mute in his black suit,
to hold the door open politely and drive me away. (I love the analogy)
All night I grind my teeth in darkness,
and (while) the clock on the dresser
which once measured our nights with such speed, slowly grinds (on or time.)

You keep me awake at whose side I slept so soundly.

(You could try re-arranging so;)

"You, at whose side I once slept so soundly, now keep me awake."

Posted by: Dan Culleton Aug 2 09, 21:16

Awake and Alone

I live alone in a room on East Broadway in America.
It is raining here and the cold intrudes
upon the remembered warmth of this room.
The cold and the silence are your arms reaching for me.
You are in a country now from which there is no escape.
I search the faces in the street for some message from you.
No one meets my gaze. There is a cold distance between us
which makes all of frozen Russia seem
a few feet of sun-baked beach.
I wait impatiently at my window for the long black car to arrive,
for the uniformed chauffeur, so silent, polite, to come for me.
I grind my teeth in the dark, and the clock on the dresser grinds
which measured our nights with such speed:
you keep me awake at whose side I have slept so soundly.

Posted by: Arnfinn Aug 3 09, 04:33

G'day, Dan.

This is a very good poem. Intriguing.

Awake and Alone

I live alone in a room on East Broadway in America.
It is raining here and the cold intrudes
upon the remembered warmth of this room. >>> These three lines remind me of Bukowski. They appeal to me.

The cold and the silence are your arms reaching for me.
You are in a country now from which there is no escape.
I search the faces in the street for some message from you.
No one meets my gaze. There is a cold distance between us
which makes all of frozen Russia seem
a few feet of sun-baked beach. >>> This part is the intrigue, with ' afew feet of sun-baked beach.' a reminisce.

I wait impatiently at my window for the long black car to arrive,
for the uniformed chauffeur, so silent, polite, to come for me.
I grind my teeth in the dark, and the clock on the dresser grinds
which measured our nights with such speed:
you keep me awake at whose side I have slept so soundly. >>> Not sure of why the double use of 'grind'? However, you are waiting for a contact to renew an all alliance.

There is a story in this poem. I expect, a good plot for a novel.

Enjoyed the read.

John

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Aug 3 09, 05:42

Hi Dan,

Since this is a re-post of this same poem, I'm merged the two topics together.

PLease make sure to post your 2 critques to other's topics before posting a new topic again in this forum. I think you may need to post 4 crits to "catch up" but I'll confirm later.

Thanks and best regards,
~Cleo