To Rena, with her unseen tentacles
that slithered up too closely to my Dad.
You were an ugly version of my Mother,
a shadowy receptionist who had
proclaimed herself, not looking for a man.
I worked beside you every summer— my
girlish instincts screamed a shrill alert.
Your Christmas gift to us was mounted high
above the mantle. Mom pretended that
she liked the water scene—but then forgot
to pack it when the house was sold. She knew
Dad's drawers were full of clothes she hadn't bought,
but washed away the hurtful thought. For years
she lulled unanswered questions into slumber,
allaying past suspicions—unlike me
who checked through every call and had your number.
Oh my goodness Karen, I LOVE this - the view of a child's perception of an affair and the smooth, unintrusive ways you draw out the subject without actually throwing your reader into it. You do a lot of show here. A very difficult task, and yet, it feels so natural to the ear and mind.
There is much to rave about in this, starting with the title, as it has purpose and adds much information to the relevence of the poems meaning. I have to admit, the first line, made me think this was going to be a weird poem about monsters and I cannot tell you how pleasantly surprised and completely hooked in by the 2nd line. Your use of emjambments, and meter is lovely. Unfortunately, I have now read this 12 times, going on my 13th in a minute for last minute recheck - and could only find S1L2 to nit pick about- I also have some feedback to offer on each stanza that is working for me.
This is a must read poem, that has caught me by surprise.
Best Regards, Liz ...
Hi Karen
It is great to see you here again - your poetry never disappoints!
I love this one from start to finish.
To Rena, with her unseen tentacles
that slithered up too closely to my Dad.
You were an ugly version of my Mother,
a shadowy receptionist who had
I like the fact that 'she' is named from the start here. The tentacles and slithered were beautifully misleading!
I too stumbled a bit on the meter in L2 - easily fixed, perhaps
that slithered much too closely to my Dad
'much' has just a little more stress than 'up'
proclaimed herself, not looking for a man.
I worked beside you every summer— my
girlish instincts screamed a shrill alert.
Your Christmas gift to us was mounted high
above the mantle. Mom pretended that
she liked the water scene—but then forgot
to pack it when the house was sold. She knew
Dad's drawers were full of clothes she hadn't bought,
but washed away the hurtful thought. For years
she lulled unanswered questions into slumber, I love this line!
allaying past suspicions—unlike me
who checked through every call and had your number.
Great double meaning in the last line as well as others. This has such a natural flow - rhymes are unobtrussive (hard to do). Another fantastic poem, Karen!
Snow
Hi Liz,
Thank you for the critique and nice comments--
I fiddled with that line a few times and really like your suggestion.
Glad you enjoyed this.
K
Hi Eira,
Thanks- it's nice to be back here. I have been having major computer
problems with my website(s) and just decided to come over here and forget
my problems ;-) Good to see you, and I appreciate the comments.
K
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