I haven't written in a long while. With lack of something new and fresh to offer you, I dusted off this older Sonnet, my 2nd Sonnet infact and I am open to any suggestions and thoughts for improvement. It is a Reply Sonnet to Samuel Butler's "She was too kind, she woo'd so persistently..."
Could I Belie?
Would I have been so wise to love without
a heart to break, a voice to vow and dreams
of blissful nights-to offer less? It seems
a waste of time to entertain this doubt.
Would I be more adored by you, if I
had used you as a fool -- had played a game
and masked my care in deeper shades of shame?
To hide behind feigned words implies a lie;
perhaps this voice that says "I will be true,"
or speaks in written verse, enkindled dear,
by hands that stop to wipe away a tear,
could never spark a kindred flame in you?
Should I decide to hide a better me,
or speak of love and hope to set it free.
Liz,
I am a bit of a disadvantage because I am not familiar with Butler's poem. Perhaps I should have read that first before I comment on yours.
Overall, I like the emotions that are shared in this one and the style is one that seems classic in nature.
The word "enkindled" doesn't seem smooth and it doesn't seem to flow as well as the others.
Your last four lines are very powerful and they represent the best part and the pure essence of your poem; to me they are a little more melodic and lilting than the previous ones:
by hands that stop to wipe away a tear,
could never spark a kindred flame in you?
Should I decide to hide a better me,
or speak of love and hope to set it free.
I guess I should find the time to read the original and then come back for another visit.
Nice way to start my day.
JLY
Hi John,
Thank you for stopping in ... Although I don't think reading the poem this responds to actually will make a difference on the poem at hand (only because there isn't anything in Samuel Butlers Poem that my response poem relies on... However I would love to take this opportunity to share his Sonnet with everyone. It is a most profound and thought provoking poem...
i
Liz, definetly speak of love and set it free. I liked this muchly and I thought it related to Butler very well. My view on love has changed over the years, I used to be scared of saying' I love you' too much afraid I would lose that love if given to freely, but I have found that the more you give love the more you have to give. So I give love as much as possible, especially to those that are dear, cause you never know when or even if you'll get another chance...so give all the love you can...it will come back triple fold...
glad to see you return Liz, hope to see you here lots more.
hugs and love
Steve
Hi Steve,
Thank you for stopping in on this old but dear one to my heart. (Not so dear that I am not willing to work it out) That has always been my biggest down fall, I give with my heart, all of my heart. I still love but I pick and choose who! :)
However, this was written when Lori, Snow, JLY and I and many others played at Poemkingdom. It was in a challenge thread. A response to this poem by Samuel Butler - it was my 2nd Sonnet (after Stargazer)
So I am open to any suggestions ...
Hugs, Liz
Hi, Liz,
I'm going to put my pedant's hat on now and talk about Sonnet types and rhyme schemes.
The Petrarchan or Italian Sonnet is composed of an octet rhymed abbaabba and a sestet rhymed either cdcdee or cdecde Here is Milton's On His Blindness to illustrate
Hey Liz!
I'm so pleased to see you again. It's unbelievable that this is your 2nd sonnet! - it reads so smooth and well. You certainly have talent and it's a pleasure to read your work again.
No nits right now. It's late here in UK and I need to digest this. I will be back!
Welcome home!
Hugs
Snow
Hi Jim,
I am so grateful for you to have offered examples to show where the weakness within this lies. I also agree greatly with your thoughts that the contrast in choice of a more modern voice just might enhance the difference in feelings - etc ...
This was written back in 2002 and I would love to do something different with this ... YOu've come and left some wonderful ideas ...
Hugs, Liz
Hey Snow ...
Thank you for stopping... I think you might remember this one from PK - in the challenge forum, it was the poem that started us writing response poetry. I remember you and Lori submitted several of your own wonderful poems too ...
This one is older, but is calling to me and wants to be freshened up! I like the direction that Jim has pointed and hopefully will come up with some interesting revisions on this. Always opened to ideas and thoughts - retraining the mind to think POETRY again! LOL
Hugs, Liz
Even though written as a response poem,this lovely sonnet can easily stand on its own and I see nothing here that I would change.
You are one gifted poet... I hope you know it?
Sue
Hey Sue,
I am blushing. As I am your greatest fan and I think your poetry should be something that should be discussed in college classes all over - Actually I have Peter Spindleshanks to thank for a lot of the original revisions and touch ups. He helped a great deal. I am found of this though ... Thank you so much for giving me some much needed confidence to write again.
Blessings and BIG HUGS!!!! Liz
Liz - I've come back to read this a number of times and still cannot find anything I'd wish to change. This is good to go! Bring out another!
Hugs
Snow
I agree. I have been comtemplating what Jim had suggested, but I don't think this is one I would choose to rewrite completely. So I am going to leave it as be and considered (for better or worse) finished and move on to other poems for revisions
Hugs, Liz
Hi Liz,
I really enjoyed this. It's somewhat old fashioned in tone, but it all pulls together
well-- and written about a universal theme we can all relate to.
K
Thank you for stopping in Karen - I appreciate the feedback.
Best Liz
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